Gazing Upward

Treasuring Traditions

2012-01-02T20:39:00.001-06:00

Posted on new blog here.

Last Day to Enter Giveway!

2011-12-31T08:06:00.002-06:00

Go to gazingupward.com to enter.

Happy New Year!

Six Months with Caroline LiYun

2011-12-28T18:05:00.002-06:00

Post here on new blog. Don't forget to change your link! :)

Seeing the Light

2011-12-24T11:00:00.000-06:00

New post here.

New Blog...and a Giveaway!

2011-12-23T07:57:00.000-06:00

My new blog is done! You can now follow us at www.gazingupward.com. Isn't that easy to remember? :)

And to celebrate Christmas, the new site, and all of you devoted readers, I'm hosting a giveaway with a chance to be one of three winners! Click here to go to the new blog so you can find out how to enter.

I'd like to thank my sweet and talented friend, Caitlin VanHorn of Lark Creatif, for designing the new blog header. And thanks to Jonathan Stovall of Up Late I Create for building the site and transferring all the content on this blog over to the new one. I'm definitely not tech-savvy enough for that project.

Warm wishes for a joyous Christmas and holiday season!

Key Lime and Raspberry Dessert

2011-12-19T12:34:00.004-06:00

While spending Thanksgiving with my inlaws, I was flipping through some of their Christmas magazines and discovered a dessert recipe that not only looked delicious but also looked perfect for the holidays. The Key Lime and Raspberry Dessert was such a hit at a party that I have made it three times since. It's an especially great recipe for this time of the year when so many foods are rich and cheesy. The lightness of the pie and the tartness of the raspberries create a refreshing contrast in taste to all of the heavy hors d'oeuvres. Enjoy!

Key Lime and Raspberry Dessert

Makes 1 (9-inch) dessert

Crust:

2 cups firmly packed graham cracker crumbs

1/3 cup sugar

6 tablespoons butter, melted (I found that using 8 tbsp helped the crust hold together better)

Filling:

1/4 cup cold water

1 (.25-ounce) envelope unflavored gelatin

2 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened

1/3 cup Key lime juice

1/4 cup unsalted butter, softened

3 tablespoons Key lime or lime zest (it takes about one lime per tbsp)

2 cups confectioners' sugar

1 1/4 cups heavy whipping cream

2 pints fresh raspberries

1/4 cup seedless raspberry preserves, melted

Garnish: white chocolate curls, lime zest, fresh mint

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees.

2. In a small bowl, combine graham cracker crumbs, 1/3 cup sugar, and melted butter. Press firmly on bottom and halfway up sides of a 9-inch springform pan. Bake for 8 minutes; set aside to cool.

3. In a small microwave-safe bowl, combine water and gelatin; let stand for 2 minutes. Microwave on high for 30 seconds, or until dissolved; set aside to cool slightly.

4. In a medium bowl, combine cream cheese, Key lime juice, butter, and lime zest. Beat at medium speed with an electric mixer until creamy. Gradually add confectioners' sugar, beating until combined.

5. In a separate bowl, beat cream at high speed until soft peaks form. Best in dissolved gelatin until stiff peaks form. Fold together the cream cheese mixture and the whipped cream mixture until well combined. Evenly spread cream cheese mixture over bottom of prepared crust. Cover with plastic wrap, and chill for 4 hours.

6. To serve, remove plastic wrap, and run a knife around edge of pan. Carefully unlatch ring of springform pan, and remove. Arrange raspberries on top of cream cheese mixture. Brush top of raspberries with melted raspberry preserves. Garnish with white chocolate curls and lime zest, if desired. (I use a carrot peeler on a block of white chocolate to make the curls.)

-Southern Lady magazine, Holiday 2011 edition

How do you measure His faithfulness?

2011-12-12T19:20:00.004-06:00

I have a dear friend who is striving to dig deeper in her faith...to figure out what she really believes and why she believes it. In the process, she is struggling with the ever-perplexing topic of prayer. After sharing some examples of conversations, I could completely understand why.

You see, in general, our culture has strayed from a biblical perspective on prayer. We've left behind prayer as an opportunity for worship and gratitude to the Lord and whittled the discipline down to supplication alone. In both the Old and New Testaments, God calls us to pray. Often He calls for us to "stand in the gap" and pray on behalf of others. Intercessory prayer is one of the most precious God-given opportunities to take part in His great work on earth. However, I think we've missed that God most often uses prayer to change and mold our hearts, minds, motives, and desires. Because of our genie-in-a-bottle mentality, we expect God to demonstrate His love and faithfulness through answering our requests. This "name it and claim it" approach is not new but seems to be growing subtlely in practice and popularity. (I can go into how this approach evolved from misinterpretation of several Scriptures, but then this post will become too long. Email me or comment if you want me to elaborate and explain.) Let me illustrate the problems this mentality and approach cause.

A particular FB thread shared the concern of a new mother whose baby may have some medical issues. Responses included promises that the baby would be healed because God is faithful, a statement to go and receive God's blessing of healing and that the infant would be healed, and celebration of what the doctor will tell them tomorrow at their appointment (predicting positive news.) There are some major issues here. First of all, they are giving this woman false hope. They are claiming to believe that they know best by saying that the baby will be healed. What if healing is not God's plan for this sweet infant? What if He plans to accomplish amazing things through the medical trials of the child and his parents? And is God only faithful if He heals? That seems to be the message implied.

I'll be honest in sharing that this thriving baby inside my womb has given me reason to celebrate and praise God. I feel loved because He blessed us with this miracle. And many have commented on God's faithfulness because He has sustained this pregnancy. However, would He be any less faithful if I had miscarried? Would I be any less loved if He had allowed this baby to join Him in heaven? Did He perhaps demonstrate His love and faithfulness to me even more by carrying me through our previous losses?

The truth is that God is faithful. Period. He is faithful through the good and the bad. When He answers our personal prayers, He is not any more faithful or loving than when He reveals a different path or plan. When He allows a tiny struggling infant or a cancer-stricken victim to pass away rather than be healed, He is not any less faithful or compassionate. As long as we're residents on this fallen earth, we will not understand the magnitude and scope of His purposes and plans for our lives. As singer Babbie Mason wrote in one of her songs, "When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart." Remember who God is and trust His ability to lead us through the valleys. Some of the most mature and godly Christians I know say that they grew most in their faith and experienced God most intimately when in the midst of devastating circumstances.

I don't mean to sound so negative. There is much power in prayer. By all means, people should be praying for this particular family. Praying for the baby's healing is one request. Praying for peace, wisdom, strength, emotional stability, connectedness for the husband and wife during the wait, a feeling of God's presence, determination to trust Him no matter the outcome, wisdom for the doctor...these are all requests that can be lifted up to God's hearing ears. But we MUST not forget that, as Jesus taught us to pray, we ultimately ask for God's perfect will to prevail. And we must be careful what we say to others. We absolutely do not have the authority to make promises on God's behalf. And while healing is a miracle that will no doubt bring glory to God, potential bad news tomorrow is just as much an opportunity for God to reveal Himself.

The largest problem with comments such as I shared above is that a crisis of faith can result when circumstances don't end up as we believe they should. If we claim that someone will receive healing because God is faithful, what does this say about our faith and our Lord when He doesn't choose to heal? Do you see how damaging this can be for a young believer or a curious seeker?

So my question tonight is, "How do you measure His faithfulness?" Suppress the Sunday school answer that's popping into your mind and dig deeper into your heart. What do you really believe? I unknowingly struggled with this very issue a couple years ago (read post "A Beautiful Mess" for more details), so I now know that our hearts can harbor convictions that are contrary to what our minds "believe."

I think it's so important to encourage each other by sharing our own experiences of God's faithfulness, particularly during past times of hardship. I know my readers air on the private side given my ratio of emails to comments, but I ask that you please consider publicly sharing a brief experience in your own life of when and how God was faithful, through prayers answered to our satisfaction and through realizations that His plans were above ours. When outcomes didn't fit your expectations, how did God become more real to you? I pray our testimonies will bring glory to God and hope to those who may be enduring dark moments.

Why I Love Having a Teenage Daughter

2011-12-10T18:01:00.004-06:00

If you know me well, it's been no secret that the past few weeks have been challenging.

Pregnancy hormones raging.

Constant fatigue.

Carter awaking at 4 am each morning (part of his manic cycles).

Tough discussions with Caroline and her teachers to get her on track.

Trying to encourage and support Scott in his big trial (and biggest case yet).

Essentially being a single mom for several weeks now.

And striving to make Caroline's first Christmas season in our family a special one even though we're not all together.

Most of you moms know that you don't begin a new day refreshed unless you've had time to actually be refreshed. The frustrations, impatience, and self-control in the midst of defiance or chaotic behavior eventually build and compound internally over the days and weeks until you suddenly find your blood boiling and your temper raging in just a matter of seconds.

This morning was such a time as that. Now, I had some good reasons to be angry. But I did not have an excuse for flying off the handle as I did.

A couple of hours later, we were driving to my inlaws so they could keep the little ones while I took Caroline shopping for a few things. When we parked, she leaned forward and asked, "Mommy, are you okay?" I explained why I was struggling (and added in how pregnancy hormones don't help!). And with sensitivity and compassion, she responded, "I know you want to cry."

Boy did my eyes well up with tears then! She got it. With two active and curious toddlers, it was so refreshing to have a (young) adult with whom I could share and converse. To have someone who understood me. Our lunch and shopping excursion were so pleasant that I found myself in a more cheerful mood within minutes.

While I have many exasperating moments with my teenager, I also have many times when I am so thankful to have her in our home. She is so helpful with the little ones. (She even changed Grace's diaper tonight for the first time.) And she takes initiative to keep them in line. She is the reason why I've been able to venture out with all 3 kids this Christmas season on different excursions (as a solo parent) with confidence and peace.

I am not proud of the way I reacted this morning. My parenting goal is to always respond with a firm but calm temperament. And I'm not sure how I feel about seeming so weak to my teenage daughter. But maybe my vulnerability will allow Caroline to feel more freedom to share her emotions.

Tonight should be a relatively calm evening. Carter requested that we all put on cozy pajamas, sit on the couch, and watch a movie. So we're watching "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," one of Carter's favorites. Maybe that green joy-stealer will make me seem tame. :)

Around our house...

2011-12-08T21:24:00.003-06:00

I began this post a month ago, so it's about time I publish it. Here are some updates on the kiddos.

Caroline:

She is still enjoying school and earned all A's on her 9-week report card! She's not retaining the information though, so I'm keeping up with all the curriculum so we can review/relearn this summer.
We had a few difficult weeks during which I began worrying that she may have attachment disorder. However, after talking with beloved attachment therapist and expert Leigh Ann Harrington, I was assured that Caroline is right where most kids should be at the 4-month mark. Leigh Ann reminded me that it takes much longer than 4 months to build trust, and Caroline doesn't yet have the capacity to love us back the way we hope because she's still enduring so much grief and change .
In a wonderful turn, Caroline has been very warm, engaging, and helpful during the last few weeks. I think the Thanksgiving holidays were a turning point because we had so much family time. She seems more content and receptive now. And she even voluntarily helped me stuff and stamp Christmas cards!

Carter:

My little boy seems to be growing up. He is at such a delightful age, and he's become very affectionate and thoughtful. My heart melts at each of his impromptu "I love you's."
He loves to copy Caroline. If she's sitting at the counter doing homework, he climbs up next to her with his own notepad and pen. If she writes, he writes. If she reads, he reads. If she hops up for a bathroom break, so does Carter.
He may become our little orphan advocate. At least a few times a week, he proclaims that he's leaving for China to get Grant (simply a name we like that he's picked up on). The age of "Grant" changes, but Carter always explains that he's a boy who doesn't have a mommy or daddy. Oh how my heart melts that Carter longs to be a brother to an orphan!
Carter told Scott one morning that he wasn't scared because he was a superhero. The next day, he was pitching a fit and whining. So in a strategic parenting tactic (so I thought), I told him that superheroes don't whine or fuss. I fully expected him to straighten up and run for his cape. But to my astonishment, Carter claimed in defiance, "Well I guess I'm not a superhero after all."

Grace:

Grace has really gotten into board games and loves to play Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders.
She asks to watch her adoption video at least once a week. And she'll often say to me or to others, "I was a baby and my mommy and daddy came to get me in China!"
She likes to be right by my side whenever I'm getting ready. So she has been watching me give myself shots every day for my pregnancy. She helps by counting to 3. However, sometimes I chicken out and take a few more minutes to actually perform the injection. One morning, I was feeling particularly whimpy. And this is how Grace's dialogue went: "One....two....three!! One.......two........THREE!! One...two...three....four....FIVE!!!!" (slight pause).... POKE IT!!!!!!!" (in a loud and exasperated voice) Scott and I were so tickled that we've replayed this scene almost every day since.

Baby:

Baby #4 is almost 13 weeks! In our last ultrasound, he/she was literally doing somersaults. Last week was my last appointment with our specialist because they've released me to my normal obgyn (whom we love!). It's an exciting milestone, but I'll sure miss my weekly ultrasounds.

Looking for Land?

2011-12-06T10:50:00.002-06:00

Calling all Birmingham folks!!

With the craziness of our growing family, we've made the decision to stay put in our current home (and possibly add on) and sell our beloved lot. If you're interested in a beautiful lot (with a partial view of the mountains!) in Vestavia, leave me a comment with contact info or email me for details.

Just a few great advantages....it's zoned for Vestavia East Elementary. You can bring your own builder if you so desire. And the lot is already flat and perfect for building (unlike some other area lots that are hilly/rocky and would have to be leveled and prepared before you could even start.)

Please pass along the word to anyone interested!! Thanks!

Candid with an "A"

2011-12-01T08:45:00.001-06:00

I've been working on this post for weeks. This may be alot of info to read, but I really want to share it in case it helps someone else. Since being diagnosed, I've found two other women who also have my condition. And my friend Andrea and I have marveled at the likeness of our symptoms. Both of our homeopathic doctors pretty much gave us the same diagnosis. She has been able to visit a rheumatologist, and you can read that info here. We're assuming a rheumatologist will give me the same info.

As I've mentioned in a few posts, I've had some health issues over the last few months. Actually, the issues have been going on for several years. But no doctor could piece my symptoms together into a diagnosis. A brief recap of the last few years....we discovered through visiting a GI, rheumatologist, general practitioner, and homeopatic doctor that I had developed a high gluten intolerance, adrenal gland fatigue, and random occurrences of blue hands (suggested to be Reynaud's Phenomenon). I am embarrassed to admit that I ignored the gluten intolerance because I didn't think I ate that much wheat.

Well, fast forward to summer and fall 2011. In an effort please Caroline's palate, I was making all sorts of asian noodle dishes. And I was eating them too. And within a month, I could tell that something was not right. My immune system seemed to be shutting down. Scott and I even thought I might have lupus. Here are just a few of the symptoms I experienced:

bloating and digestive problems
mouth ulcers called "thrush"
yeast infections that would not respond to treatment (often one of the last symptoms to appear)
puffy eyes and eye infections
chronic fatigue that was worse than ever
sadness and depression (which had surfaced in May)
joint pain
peeling nails
brain fog
memory problems
unexplained weight gain (due to underactive thyroid)
various other issues that would pop up

I couldn't get into the rheumatologist without seeing my general doctor first (which I didn't have time to do). In the meantime, I got an appointment with a highly recommended Christian homeopathic doctor (Dee Baudoin) who scans your body with a hand cradle scan that sends data to a computer. She was the first person in years to put all of my symptoms together into one diagnosis. I knew it all had to be connected!

The conclusion? I have a severe form of candida albicans called candidiasis...essentially an auto-immune disease. All men and women have candida albicans (yeast) naturally in their body. Sometimes it gets out of balance and you might develop a yeast infection or thrush (happens alot when nursing babies.) However, sometimes the yeast can begin growing too rapidly and begin causing major problems .Growing mostly in your intestinal track, it can trigger food intolerances, most commonly to gluten. As your body begins failing to properly digest the gluten, it ferments into toxins, causes microscopic tears in your intestinal linining, and leaks out to your body (nicknamed "leaky gut"). The main toxin is akin to formaldehyde and is the toxin that decomposes bodies after death. So essentially, your body begins breaking itself down! Hence the immune issues. Candidiasis, if left untreated, can lead to multiple organ failure, and is detrimental for people who already suffer immune issues (such as HIV patients, etc.)

How does this disease develop? It can happen after pregnancies, extreme diets, bites from ticks or insects (lyme disease), overuse of prescription antibiotics, diabetes, birth control use, etc. There has also been a connection to previous users of Acutane.

Many doctors are not educated about candidiasis or how to diagnosis it, mainly because there is no pharmaceutical drug to treat it. And medical research is driven by pharmaceutical companies. However, our obgyn specialist said that there are some theories that candida is the root of many diseases since it causes the immune system to be so vulnerable.

How to cure it? Unfortunately, this is the tough part. You can take anti-fungal antibiotics for a time. But in order to get rid of the yeast overgrowth, you literally have to starve it. So here is the list of items you must cut from your diet:

gluten
caffeine
alcohol
fruit
sugar
dairy

So you CAN eat meats, vegetables, nuts and seeds. But of these, you can't have:

potatoes, carrots, mushrooms,
peanuts or peanut butter
cured or smoked meats or deli meat

In other words, I am starving!! And as you can imagine, it is doubly hard to eat from this limited menu when I have pregnancy cravings and aversions. Sometimes broccoli and hummus just don't cut it. On the occasions when I have cheated, I have a yeast infection within FOUR hours (and this is an ailment I've never struggled with before) and often experience other consequences as well. Pregnancy hormones actually encourage growth of yeast, so that's one strike against my healing. I am still in awe that this baby is thriving in my toxic wasteland of a body!

Here are a few links if you want more info. Many individuals feel like hypochondriacs because they experience such a vast array of symptoms. If what I've written about here sounds familiar, if numerous doctors' visits have proven no answers or relief, rest assured that you're not crazy! And there's something you can do about it.

Links:

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/213853-overview

http://www.holistichelp.net/candida-albicans.html

http://www.healthexcel.com/docs/_cand1.html

http://www.ecandida.com/candida-albicans/

So this is probably WAY more info than you ever wanted to know about me. But based on my reading and research, there are tons of women (and even men) who suffer from this disease and don't know about it. Feel free to email me if you want to discuss more. I've been discovering lots of great gluten-free products and recipes and would be happy to share!

From My Turkeys to Yours...

2011-11-24T08:00:00.008-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!!

My mom's side of the family was at the lake yesterday. And maintaining tradition from years past, the youngest kiddos presented a show (with the help and direction of my super talented cousin, Ashley).

"Two cute turkeys are we...."

"We slept all night in a tree."

"When the cooks came around, we couldn't be found."

"And that's how we're here you see!"

Carter and Grace performing with my cousin's kids, Cece and Graham.

Wishing you a joyful, relaxing, and reflective Thanksgiving holiday!

Caroline LiYun's Adoption Video

2011-11-20T16:17:00.003-06:00

It's done!! Here is the link to Vimeo if you want to watch the video on a larger scale.

You can also click on the 4 arrows button above to take the video fullscreen. However, it gets fuzzy since I didn't upload it in HD.

Caroline's 13th bday party!

2011-11-20T08:30:00.006-06:00

Our 2nd party yesterday (see previous 2 posts for details) was Caroline's celebration of her 13th birthday. We invited the girls in her school class and a few other friends. Since I knew they wouldn't be able to converse much, we held the party at a local Sips n Strokes. Caroline selected a dandelion painting, and the instructor guided them through the painting process. I had forgotten how rowdy and hyper a group of 10 to 12-year-old girls can be in a large group!! But they had a great time. Since Caroline isn't affectionate with us at home (only with the littles), it was neat to see her walk forward and greet each friend with a smile and hug. She seems to have that gift for making every person feel so important and welcome.

Grace's Sweet Shoppe in Candyland

2011-11-19T17:41:00.010-06:00

Sweet Grace is turning 3 next week!!

This awesome mural was painted by my friend's MIL last year when she threw a Candyland party for her twin girls. I was thrilled she let us borrow it!

The kids decorated gingerbread men. This was Grace's finished work.

My MIL made one of these candy decorative trees for every child!

The Candy Buffet

Two Birthday Parties in 1 Day = One Tired Momma

2011-11-19T17:38:00.002-06:00

Because both Grace's and Caroline's birthdays are next week, I thought it would be a wonderful idea to just have both of their parties on the same day since my mom was going to be in town for the littles' Thanksgiving program. And because next weekend, people will still be out of town. And then it's December which is full of holiday events. But really....WHAT was I thinking??? :)

But both parties went well and my girls had a blast. I'll post pics in the next few minutes. Now I can hopefully finish and upload Caroline's video tomorrow.

Pregnancy Peculiararities

2011-11-17T07:00:00.001-06:00

1. I must have felt nauseous the day my new gray purse arrived. It's really cute but I have a gag reflex every time I look at it.

2. My top cravings are celery, potatoes, hot dogs, and twizzlers. None of which are diet staples for me.

3. Last pregnancy, my hair grew in straighter and shinier. This time, it's a frizzy, kinky-curled mess.

4. Pregnancy dreams are no myth. I have a strange one at least 3x/week. They're so weird, I don't share them with anyone!

5. My left eye has been twitching for days. Just so you know that when you're talking to me, I'm not winking at you. Although I do think you're cute. ;)

6. Last pregnancy, I was sentimental and emotional. This time around, I'm moody and mean. God bless my children who are enduring it all!

7. I don't want to find out the sex of the baby. This is SO NOT my personality! My friends think I'm going crazy because they know me better.

8. The smell of fresh-scented garbage bags makes me most nauseated. Good excuse for not taking out the trash and leaving it to my hubby!

9. I burp. A lot.

10. Instead of hot flashes, I am cold and shivering much of the time. (I know what you're thinking... "go put more clothes on woman!")

Would love to hear your strangest pregnancy stories!! Maybe they'll make me feel normal. :)

Grace, Noah, and the Ark

2011-11-15T20:47:00.003-06:00

First of all, thank you SO very much for your comments and emails. My heart swelled with every word of celebration, encouragement, and prayer that you offered. It has been very humbling and exciting to have so many people share in our joy.

Several people had asked who took our picture. The incredible photographer (and editor, as there was a huge newspaper stand between us and the kids that she photoshopped out!) is Heather Knowles. Her business is called Sprouts by Heather. We were already doing a family photo shoot, so I asked if we could do a special picture to share the news with family.

In other news, I am thrilled to tell you that I am practically done with Caroline's adoption video!! I'm just waiting on a few digital files of our new family pics, and then I'll upload it. So keep checking back!!

I am working on another post with some updates. Between the pregnancy, my immune issues, and the video, you'll understand why I've been MIA. Oh, and I can't forget that I'll be launching a new version of the blog with a new address: www.gazingupward.com. I hope to have it live and switched over to the new URL in early December. Fun times!

In the meantime, here is a little video of Grace from a few weeks ago. Her class has been studying about Noah and the ark, and how Noah obeyed God. On the way home from school, she proceeded to tell me the full story with all kinds of cute details. Of course, when I got home and whipped out the camera, she had to be begged. and prompted. and bribed. (just kidding, the candy was from Halloween.) But she finally retold some key parts of the story. I even caught a couple of her funny facial expressions.

The "Adoption, then Surprise Pregnancy" Phenomenon

2011-11-10T14:06:00.004-06:00

You hear stories about this phenomenon all the time. You know...that couples adopt and then unexpectedly conceive within a short time before or following the adoption. In fact, after months and months of infertility, a friend of mine was recently matched with a little girl in China. Within the same couple of weeks, they found out they are expecting a baby!! So they'll travel to China in February or March to bring home a sweet toddler, and then welcome a baby in April.

Well folks, the phenomenon has struck the Brown household. It is with glee and giddiness (and still some shock) that I announce we're expecting a miracle baby on June 16, 2012!!!

While conceiving has never really been our problem, sustaining the pregnancy has. At nine weeks, we've seen the heartbeat 4x and even saw our little bean moving yesterday. We are in awe! As one friend pointed out, this is our 7th pregnancy, and the number 7 is a heavenly and significant number according to Scripture. :) I hope our unexpected blessing will be encouragement to any of you who've experienced multiple miscarriages... a healthy pregnancy can happen! Don't give up hope. And for us, it was even earlier than we ever dreamed, expected, or planned. How's that for God surprising my pants off? (no pun intended) I usually feel like I'm waiting on His timing, but this time, He beat me to it! Ha! I love it.

All 3 kids are super excited. Hence why we're announcing earlier than we planned to. They've already made announcements to their school classes, babysitters, grocery store clerks, you name it. So we decided we might as well let everyone in on our sweet news before you hear it randomly through the grapevine.

We welcome your prayers as we continue through the pregnancy, particularly the remainder of my 1st trimester. We're not out of the woods yet, but the doctors feel very positive and have been monitoring me very closely. At this point, I'm finally experiencing a release from fear that has felt paralyzing at moments. I know God is good, even if we still lose this baby. But I'm choosing to enjoy every moment with awareness that this little bean is bringing us joy each day of its already precious life.

For the Mighty and Royal

2011-11-08T13:24:00.003-06:00

I found these sweet devotionals last week and had to share. Sweet Dreams Princess and Goodnight Warrior, by Sheila Walsh, provide a precious nightly ritual which includes a brief Bible story, a related devotion, and then a prayer, praise, or promise. While the devotions aren't very indepth or original, the wording is age-appropriate and captivates my little ones.

Just a warning that both books are almost exactly the same in that they have the same biblical stories. But they cater toward boy or girl (oops, sorry....warrior or princess) in the devotion part. The author had my son at the word "warrior." I actually like this format because I can read the story just once to both kids, and then I can spend special time with each one on the devotion. It's a great way to wind them down before bed and bring their thoughts back to the God who loves them. The difference in the content of their prayers is amazing.

Oh, and a fun little bonus....the warrior cover glows in the dark!

And we're back!

2011-11-02T17:01:00.008-05:00

So sorry for the lack of posts. I promise I have good reasons. Two of which are spending time working on Caroline's adoption video (plan to post next week) and planning a redesign of the blog. I have a detailed update in the works, but in the meantime, here are some pics of pumpkin carving, our finished "masterpieces," and Halloween. It was Caroline's first, and she had a great time.

Carter had picked out a pilot costume but then decided to be Green Lantern like his cousin, Graham. Ends up that Green Lantern was actually a test pilot before he was a superhero. :)

Trick-or-treating with cousins Graham and Cece.

We had some fun hats! Here is my Aunt Judi with her hat.

And Caroline with hers...

Caroline and cousin Mary Katherine

And I have to brag on my sister....for the 3rd year in a row, she won her workplace's soup recipe contest!! This year's tastebud pleaser was a roasted tomato and basil creation. Yum..... congrats lil sis!

It Takes a Village

2011-10-19T15:00:00.003-05:00

As an adoptive mother of two special needs children from China, I sometimes feel guilty that our kids' needs are now essentially non-existent. We went into both adoptions prepared to face the potential worst-case scenario. And we came out with our expectations blown out of the water. I still harbor hopes of going back for a little boy in the future, and I find I'm continually drawn to boys with more significant special needs. Maybe God is preparing my heart for that journey.

What I know is that there are incredible, and I mean INCREDIBLE, mothers and fathers in this world who choose to adopt children with severe needs. Needs that often require daily help, therapies, and even lifetime special care. Needs that prevent children from ever living independently or experiencing life in ways that we would deem "full." In reality, many special needs kids are more satisfied and content than we can ever hope to be. They don't let their challenges hold them back.

In reality, the true heroes are the caregivers who, day in and day out, provide, nurture, and manage physical needs as well as emotional, behavioral, and social challenges. Whether it's a mom raising an autistic child, a spouse caring for a paralytic, an adult providing for an aging parent, or a friend assisting a cancer-consumed individual, caregivers can feel exhausted, isolated, and helpless.

If you're in this boat or know someone who is, read on to learn about Caregiver Village. Also, by joining, you can select one of Caregiver Village's selected organizations to receive $1!! What a great way to make a big difference for caregivers and the recipients.

Here's a description from their site:

You can also read more here.

Family caregivers are exhausted, stressed to the point of illness and frustrated by their isolation.Caregiver Village’s virtual village creates a close knit community where caregivers can discover a sense of deep personal satisfaction – and escape – from the hard, intense work of family caregiving; while simultaneously learning how to handle their stress and building online connections with people in exactly the same situation as them.

Caregiver Village members connect with friends, participate in book clubs with celebrity authors, journal, play mystery games, solve puzzles, and learn valuable information about caregiving.

Blaze of Glory

2011-10-18T18:53:00.006-05:00

Today was an exciting day for Carter.

For months, he has been infatuated with police officers, firefighters, superheroes, and even security guards. In other words...any person who "does good things and protects people." Last week, I was crowned with the best title my 3-year-old son has ever bestowed on me: "Queen of the Superheroes!" I was very flattered, and even more so when Carter said that he was going to protect me from all the monsters and bad people.

So in light of Carter's love for all things heroic (which, by the way, are even more impressive for C-man if it involves a cool costume or uniform), Sam and GramMe coordinated with the local firechief to schedule a visit for their grandson.

And out of sheer luck, I found these today at Target. PERFECT to complete Carter's fireman suit since he was fixated on dressing up for his special engagement.

I also found this adorable fireman raincoat. An unnecessary purchase but one that I couldn't help making once the inner kid in me was awakened.

A tour of the station, a look at a real pole (one of few that still exist in stations today), a chance in the driver's seat of the truck, a touch of a fire axe, and many more details are burned into Carter's memory for his lifetime. And what could top off such an amazing experience? Watching the men respond to an emergency call! The guys headed out in the truck with lights and sirens going full force, and Carter's eyes gleamed with admiration and adventure. Thanks Sam and GramMe for such a memorable afternoon!

P.S. Thank you to all of you who left suggestions for recovery services in the post below. I haven't tried any of them yet but plan to do that this week. I appreciate all your help and kind words! :)

1st Family of 5 Vacation!

2011-10-11T16:00:00.000-05:00

We just arrived home from San Destin for a 4-day beach trip. And I admit that I am patting myself on the back for making it alone with 3 kids since Scott had to come home Sunday night. I was a little nervous when he left. :)

Caroline was off school yesterday and today, so we decided to take a family vacation. This was Grace's first time at the beach, and only Caroline's 2nd trip. (She had been once before at age 6 with her foster family in China.)

One big disappointment is that my camera died within minutes of us reaching the beach on Sunday morning. I hadn't been able to locate my charger before leaving home, so I was out of luck. Thankfully, Caroline had her camera with her. But when I uploaded pics to my computer last night, I found that many, MANY of them were missing!! Pictures of Caroline's face when she first got into the ocean, pictures of us burying her in the sand (at her request), pictures of her and Grace in the water, etc. She explained that she had deleted them because she didn't like the way she looked in those pictures or in that swimsuit!! AHHH!!! Typical tween. After venting, scolding, whining, lamenting, and finally accepting that all pictures from that day were gone, I moved on. And I was thankful that she considered yesterday's pictures to be satisfactory. So here they are....

Caroline did not like the feeling of the shifting sand beneath her feet, but that didn't stop her from loving the beach. Her favorite part was jumping the waves.

While on the subject of water, I had a funny moment at the hotel the first night. I was brushing my teeth, and I suddenly stopped abruptly. You see, the last time we were in a hotel was in China where you cannot drink water without getting very ill. You have to drink and brush with bottled water. For a brief moment, I forgot I was in Florida in the great US of A, and I thought I had made a huge mistake! :)

I didn't even have to ask the kids to pose for this pic. This was a candid! I am so thankful these 3 kiddos love being together (most of the time). :)

We're thinking we might make this an annual trip. October is such a great time to be down there!

Finding God in Pumpkins

2011-10-10T15:07:00.004-05:00

Every year, we take the kids to a pumpkin patch. And that's usually where I grab a few pumpkins. But this autumn, I dropped into a local nursery to buy some mums and discovered an incredible variety of fall's favorite produce. From gray and pure white to ivory with orange and green accents, I was astonished by the artistry and beauty that God infuses into every little detail of nature. I feel sure you have all seen such pumpkins before, but I saw them anew this last week and felt inspired. Who knew you could find God in gourds??

Signs for the Soul

2011-09-27T13:18:00.005-05:00

I discovered this blog today via a picture on Pinterest, and I am obsessed with this creative and artistic woman's talents and products!! Her name is Aimee Weaver, and her blog is called "My Pink Life."

I really want to order a few of these signs off of her etsy site, but I am trying to determine how many signs I can have in my home without going overboard. She also shows a tutorial on her blog of how to make the signs yourself. You may have to click to enlarge some of the images.

I especially love the line "We do real."

This last one is the lyrics to "Lead Me," a song I blogged about last month. Love it!

Which one is your favorite? I can't decide!!!

Six Years

2011-09-24T13:26:00.010-05:00

Six amazing years since the day I married my best friend and love of my life.

Happy Anniversary Scott!

Here are the some of my favorite memories of that sacred day when I became your wife:

Seeing each other for the first time that day

A few quiet moments together before the ceremony

Preparing to walk down the aisle with my dad

Going from "Kelley Michelle Brown"....

....to "Kelley Brown Brown" :)

aka "Mrs. Scott Brown"

Being surrounded by our families and closest friends

Praying with my bridesmaids minutes before the ceremony

Our first dance to "At Last"

You dancing with your mother

Gaining a brother and sister

Julie's toast to us in the reception video that all of our "ups and downs be under the covers." (That still makes me giggle.)

Seeing my beautiful mom glow with joy and pride

Toasting champagne with my mom and sister as they tied up my train

Seeing MaMa (who is now 93) boogie on the dance floor

Leaving the reception in a sea of rose petals

Heading off on our honeymoon

And realizing we had years ahead of us to walk together.

Scott,

In some ways, the last six years have sped by. On the other hand, this is the first time I've looked at our pictures and thought, "We looked so much younger then!" :) The last six years have held many joys: Breckenridge, Jackson Hole, seminary, you becoming partner, the birth of Carter, the adoptions of Grace and Caroline, our new home, the gain of a brother-in-law and a sister-in-law, and moments I'll always treasure. Even working through the grief of each miscarriage and talking about that glorious day when we meet our seven additional children in heaven, I couldn't imagine a more sensitive, selfless, generous, supportive, and loving man to endure those hard times with. You are the most upstanding man I know, and seeing you become a father has been one of the best blessings of my life.

I'm know we will have more heartaches and trials to endure, but we've learned we can do messy and difficult when we face it together. And there's no one else I'd rather chase dreams with than you. So here's to many more messy, challenging, joyful, laughter-filled, family-bonding, sanctifying, unforgettable years as husband and wife.

I love you Mister!

Fever

2011-09-22T21:31:00.004-05:00

I have major fever. Baby fever, that is.

Oops...sorry. Didn't mean to make you fall out of your chair. No worries. I'm not preggo. And won't even try for quite a while. But I can't fight the intense desire to cuddle a wee little babe. And somehow I came upon Restoration Hardware's nursery collection tonight and began drooling over these pictures. I'm pretty sure my husband is having a heart attack as he reads this...and for two reasons.

#1...I'm blogging about baby fever.

#2... I'm staring at beautiful nurseries that probably cost $10,000.

#3...and heck, I should probably add a third reason - the photo above shows TWO cribs

But please look at these havens and tell me you wouldn't want to rock a sweet infant in one of these rooms. :)

All photos from Restoration Hardware's site.

Heaven

2011-09-20T21:04:00.002-05:00

Last night, I was with some friends while Scott was at home putting the kiddos to bed. He sent me an email with this sweet conversation:

"So, I asked Carter if he wanted to say anything to God tonight. He said yes. He then asked how people got to heaven if no one held their hands? He asked if Jesus' arms were long enough to hold his hands? He asked if he could go to heaven? He asked if God was in Heaven? He asked what did heaven look like?

I told him that to get into heaven, we had to love God and Jesus and believe in Him as our Savior. He said, "I love God."

Pretty cool conversation. Although I felt sad at then thought of Jesus reaching down and taking our son to Heaven, Carter had a big smile on his face at the idea. I know I should be happy of the thought as well - and I would be. I think I would be sad because it would mean that this world would be just a little less like heaven."

It's amazing when kids begin to grasp the concept of God and heaven. In some ways, it's difficult to explain the indescribable in terms understandable to a 3-year-old. But their little minds seem to go to places in full faith that our adult minds just can't seem to venture. I am excited (and grateful) to see where these conversations lead!

A Must Read!

2011-09-18T20:20:00.002-05:00

A friend sent me a link to this blog post by an adoptive mother who is also a gifted author and speaker. The post is called "After the Airport." And if you're pondering adoption or preparing for your journey, you must read. However, it also speaks to women in all different types of challenging, devastating, or difficult situations.

We have been very blessed that both of our adopted daughters have had minor adoptive issues relative to what you can potentially deal with. Some children come home with reactive attachment disorder, some have sensory issues, some hardly know how to receive love at all without simultaneously pushing their new parents away. The best statement Jen Hatmaker writes in this post is you can't adopt just to adopt. You have to adopt knowing that you'll have a big parenting job to fulfill. Many adopted kids need to be psychologically reprogrammed, if you'll allow me to describe it that way. The glory of the "Gotcha Day" videos and the pictures of homecomings at airports often bring you chills, tears, and smiles of wonder and joy. But once the excitement dies down, challenges continue. And some days are really, really hard. After a year and a half, we still face some of Grace's abandonment fears! Jen writes of reality of adoption so well in this post. I am grateful she shared her heart.

Pirouettes and Passes

2011-09-15T17:17:00.004-05:00

Okay, so we aren't at either of those levels yet. But Grace and Carter are on their way with the kickoff of their ballet and soccer lessons (respectively). :)

Carter with his team and coach

Getting his blue jersey

Carter's expression when the team name was declared the "Blue Butterflies." Just kidding! Kidding about his expression I mean. They really are the Blue Butterflies, and Scott was not thrilled about that. :) The Patriots logo on the shirts refers to the whole league.

Learning soccer basics

Grace was very ready for her first ballet class!

For the Love of "Happies"

2011-09-13T08:38:00.010-05:00

Last Friday, I was feeling a little blue. I wasn't sure why. I think I was simply exhausted. The littles had had their first day of school, first ballet class, and first soccer practice. Caroline had a couple of doctor's appointments. Scott was (and is) working long days to prepare for an upcoming trial. I finally realized that if I don't want my wheat allergy to continue progressing toward full-blown Celiac Disease, I'm going to have to suck it up, say goodbye to some of my fave foods, and go gluten-free. And let's face it, I hadn't spent good quality time with the Lord. It wasn't a horrible week. In fact, it had been pretty good. But I was dead tired.

Enough about my own issues. My day was not unlike the days many of you often endure. We're living through a challenging season. As high as our calling is as servants, wives, and mothers, it's still difficult at the end of the day to smile and consider our job well done. Sometimes, it seems that we're never done.

So back to last Friday. All three kids were at school. After working out, I thought I'd check out the new used bookstore in town called "2nd and Charles." And to my great delight, I found these:

Two novels by Steinbeck, one of which I'm currently reading but could not find a good hardcover copy! (Sidenote: East of Eden is fabulous! And I'm only 7 chapters in.)

One of my pleasures in life is reading. I read everything from mysteries and current bestsellers to biographies and Christian devotionals. But my favorite genre is classic literature, and preferably 19th century lit by British authors. I know...I sound pretty snobby. Or nerdy. Or both.

But I digress. Back again to Friday when I discovered this treasure. This is the cover of The Grapes of Wrath, this particular edition published in 1967. I am convinced they had this book shrinkwrapped in plastic because it has no discoloration or foxing on the pages.

Isn't the dusk jacket beautiful? And this is the what the hardcover looks like...just like my mom's copy! My mom has shelves and shelves of books that I have read or hope to soon read. And her copies are just beautiful. So I developed a habit of scouting out rare, old, or eye-pleasing copies of the books that I adore.

I also found this copy of Mark Twain's Adventures of Tom Sawyer.

Beautiful illustrations fill the pages.

After the I left the bookstore, I wondered if my sudden joy was sinful. You know what I mean.... material possessions filling me with giddiness when really I should be relying on Christ as the source of my joy and vitality. But the Lord spoke to my heart with a reassurance that many things in this world He provides for our happiness. After all, He gifted the writers with their creativity and eloquence. He blessed the musicians with their talents and melodies. He created the coffee bean from the beginning of time with the knowledge that a savory cup of coffee could comfort and rejuvenate just as He desires. Perhaps He literally meant it when He inspired the verse, "Taste and see that the Lord is good!" At 6 am in the morning, a sip of coffee makes me believe it. :)

I recalled the passage in Lamentations 3 about His mercies being new every morning. And I wondered if just maybe God presents some of his mercies in the form of "happies" that uplift our spirit and energize us enough to take the next step forward. As long as we understand that He alone is our bread of life, we can partake of the minor joys of life with gratitude and delight.

For me, a Pumpkin Spice Latte, a glowing sunset, a sparkling glass of wine, an antique novel, an enticing read, a yellow tulip ... all these things are little "happies" that can lighten my day within seconds. This book, which I uncovered in a London antiquarian bookstore years ago, intrigues me with its history and personalization.

Leo V. Quimby...Belfast...Christmas 1881, From Sister Annie.

This is the oldest book I own. And sometimes I'll open the cover and stare in wonder at the the calligraphic writing, just pondering the personality of the being whose hands one beheld this literary work. What was his home like? A modest cabin or a glorious castle? How large was Leo's family? Was Annie a true familial relation or a devoted nun? Or a forbidden love to the receiver of this holiday present? Isn't it fun to imagine?

Sometimes I lose myself in the magic of the object. And I am thankful that the Lord created such gifts. Because they're a temporary diversion from the arduous task before us. A glorious and noble task, but one that demands attention, commitment, energy, love, prayer, and sacrifice. And aren't you glad that God has such forethought, such innovation, such LOVE that He would create and inspire daily joys that can deliver a smile to our weary faces? I certainly am. So I do not feel at all guilty for bouncing out of the bookstore with my newfound literary treasures. Their beauty and literary flair gave me the umph to continue persevering. It was then that I realized my need to increase my awareness of everyday surprises and beauties that God may be orchestrating just for us. For our pleasure. For our enjoyment. For our inspiration. And sometimes, on those frustrating, hair-raising, or simply blue days...for our sanity. God is good...all the time.

What are the little happies that make you smile?

My Lil' Ladybug

2011-09-11T17:54:00.007-05:00

This is a post I started almost 6 months ago!! I took some new pics of Grace in this dress a few days ago, and she looks so much bigger now! My lil' ladybug is growing up. And the dress actually looks cuter now because the tutu hits above her knees.

I had bought this gray dress at Target and then embroidered the ladybug on there, thanks to the idea from my friend Ashley Johnson. Ashley made one too for her daughter, Finley, who was waiting in China at the time. Now Finley is home with her family!! :)
While I sew, smock, and embroider from time to time, I'm not one to provide lots of crafty DIY projects. But this one was too great not to share. I got lots of comments from people who thought I'd bought it at a boutique.

You can totally do this if I did! Just pick out a dress or t-shirt at Target or Walmart. Then select an image to embroider. Because ladybugs are associated with China adoptions, Ashley had picked it (and I copied). We googled ladybug images, and I loved this whimsical design. I tightened the material in an embroidery hoop. Using a fabric pen that erases itself after a few days, I drew a sketch on the material. Then I just filled in the sketch lines with french knots, using 5 strands of thread for the pink, and 4 for the black. I did the antennas with a simple backstitch. And voila! You have a precious outfit that was super cheap to make.

Here are a few more pics, mainly showcasing Grace's funny expressions more than the dress. :)

Here are a couple of (bad, blurry) pics I took the other day. What happened to her chubby little cheeks and baby legs???

Happy embroidering! Send me a pic if you decide to make one. I would love to see your creations! I think I might do a dragonfly next?

Day by Day

2011-09-10T08:53:00.006-05:00

The last few days have shown progress in bonding and promises of a beautiful mother-daughter relationship in bloom. Four memories stick out in my mind:

- Grace and Caroline were sitting side by side on the kitchen stools. I stood in the center, wrapped my arms around them, and kissed them each on the forehead. In a spontaneous act, Caroline reached up and kissed me on the cheek. This is the first time she has ever kissed me or spontaneously initiated affection!

- I dropped Caroline off at church where an older Chinese woman is discipling her each week. I watched from the car as she walked in, and she looked back at me no less than 6 times! There seemed to be such comfort in the fact that I was there watching over her rather than just dropping her off and driving away.

- Caroline and Scott were sitting down on the couch to watch the movie "Annie." (She saw the littles watching it earlier and was interested in it.) I was exhausted and announced that I was heading to bed. Her response was, "Awwww." Scott's eyes widened and he gave me a big thumbs up. Disappointed that I wasn't hanging out with her?? This was new! :)

- Beginning the first week we arrived home, Caroline asked continually to get her ears pierced. We didn't want to give her too much right off the bat, so we told her she could get her ears pierced when she finished all the levels of the Rosetta Stone English program. So last night, we celebrated her milestone with this:

And as we walked around the mall afterwards as a family, she had a beautiful smile and a look of pure joy. I don't think it was just because of her new earrings. I think she realized that we keep our promises. That I hold her hand when it hurts. That Scott and I are just as giddy when she is happy, and that a Friday night at the mall with her family is fun because we all enjoy being together.

In a post last week, I mentioned our realization of Caroline's lack of cause and effect knowledge. While this is common in adopted kids, I somehow didn't anticipate dealing with this issue. Shame on me! I have to admit that this problem has begun to annoy/scare/frustrate me because occurrences happen on a daily basis and I have no idea how to prevent them. It can be something as silly (and gross) as Caroline picking up a can of carbonated milk (a Chinese drink) from the day before, and taking a swig of it. (She had left it in the car and, you would think, would realize the milk had soured. The littles even recognize when their sippy cups have old juice/milk in them and will not take a sip.)

Or it can be as potentially dangerous as what happened on the soccer field Thursday night. Carter had his first soccer practice. The field was FULL of kids, parents, and coaches, as the league has tons of teams sharing the area. Scott gave one of the soccer balls a gentle kick to head it back in the direction of Carter's team. Caroline said, "No daddy!" And then proceeded to kick the ball with full force. Let me remind you that were in a field FULL of people. The ball went flying and nailed the leg of a dad! The dad was very understanding, and we were thankful the ball hit him and not the head or body part of a 3-year-old. But we were mortified!

In one other instance, the littles were swimming in our inflatable pool outside. Caroline ran up behind Grace, scooped her up, and threw her into the pool! Grace landed on her back and head on the hard bottom! She could have been seriously injured, and she was scared to death!

So you see, the issue is never that Caroline is trying to cause trouble or be mean. All of her actions are out of a quest for fun or simply out of ignorance. She has a really bad habit of just darting out in to parking lots after exiting the van. She doesn't think through the consequences, some of which should just be common sense, and thus many of the situations have been potentially dangerous. I am not sure how to correct this behavior because what I certainly don't want to do is discourage her from playing with the kids, touching anything, or having any fun. But I have no idea how to stay one step ahead of her. I am looking through my adoption books and have posted my concern to an adoption yahoo group I'm a member of. But I welcome suggestions and insight from anyone - adoptive parents or not. I'll also do a follow-up post with the information I find. Parents soon to adopt older kids....just keep in mind that this can be an issue.

Some of the best advice I received this week came from Caroline's pediatrician (Dr. Amy McCollum) who is also a college classmate of Scott's. She and her family adopted a little boy from Africa a couple of years ago, so she is familiar with adoptive issues. This is what she wrote to me in an email yesterday, and it spoke to my heart:

"I know you are already doing this, but just taking it day by day is probably the best approach. Being loving, consistent, and present every day, praising her when you see little blips of the character traits you are hoping she will embody as she grows into a young lady - these are the same things any parent can do to guide their "tweens".

Trust God's choice for her as your daughter and you as her mother - I know you already do this, but there might be days you have to choose this willingly."

I've been so focused on the "end" result, and what milestones that I need to help Caroline reach, that I've become discouraged or overwhelmed at times. The concept of taking it day by day right now is so simple and wise. So that's my new motto: "day by day."

Kentucky Darlings

2011-09-09T06:30:00.000-05:00

Scott took Carter and Grace to Kentucky last weekend for his cousin's wedding while I stayed at home with Caroline. The littles' Aunt Noelle took these adorable photos!

First Day of School for the "littles" and Caroline's Poster Project

2011-09-07T22:57:00.000-05:00

They were all about the sillies this morning.

Sometime during the last month, I've apparently adopted a habit of calling Carter and Grace the "littles." And today was (finally!) their first day of school! Carter was so excited, and our house was bustling with even more energy and enthusiasm because they had their two great friends to get ready with!! Due to the storms, many people in our city are(were) without power. So the Giffens joined us last night for dinner and, in Carter's words: a sleepover!

Lia Kate and Virginia Grace

Starting next week, parents drop the kids off in the carpool. But for the first couple of days, we all walk them into their rooms. Both kiddos were eager to meet their new teachers. This was Grace's first day of real school (versus Mother's Day Out).

Carter walked right into his room with a big grin. Grace did the same, carrying her bag on her shoulder and walking with such confidence across the room to one of the teachers whom she looked up at and gave the sweetest smile as if to say, "I'm here!"

I don't remember if I've mentioned it here on the blog before, but Grace has never said goodbye to me or blown me a kiss or shown any emotion whatsoever whenever I've left her at church or at Mother's Day Out last year. She wouldn't cry, and she would have the best time while I was gone. But I could tell that she had some hesitations or fears. Maybe because church and nursery settings most resemble orphanages. She would never act this way when I left her with a babysitter or dropped her off at her grandparents' house. Last year, I knew she was fine. But somber expressions and silence coming from a highly verbal and expressive child were disconcerting at each and every drop off.

Today, I was astonished and delighted to hear Grace call out to me, "Bye Momma!" I know this might seem like a silly milestone, but I believe it's a huge one! For Grace and for her mommy. :)

Two cute sayings from Carter on our way home this afternoon:

Telling a story from last school year: "Once upon a time, my teacher..."

"Daddy, I had a race on the playground today and I was the fastest in all the WORLD!!"

In other Brown kid news, our 5th grader is student of the week! This honor means you help the teacher with special responsibilities and showcase your interests and life with a poster. Caroline has had such a great time working on the poster project this evening. And unlike her timeline assignment a few weeks ago where she didn't want to share anything about China or her new family (presumably because it highlights her recent status as an orphan which carries such a stigma in China), she was very excited to include pictures and quotes of said details. She has been growing in curiosity about Jesus and the Christian faith, and I love that she drew this angel. I am in awe of her artistic talents! I chuckled when I read that she considered herself a fat kid, and I teared up that she included the first picture I ever saw of her.

When the poster was almost completed and we were translating some phrases, Caroline and I suddenly heard a strange sound...like water spilling. We looked down and saw... our dog Jackson PEEING ON HER POSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I'm totally and unbelievably serious. We jumped up, me scooping up Jackson and throwing him onto the tile floor, and Caroline yanking up her work of art to allow the urine to slide off her oh-so-pretty angel sketch. The accident didn't ruin the poster too much. (It did mess up one her pictures from China.) And we were both able to laugh. But Jackson sure didn't gain any brownie points with Caroline on that one. He's in the doghouse tonight!

Here's the finished product!

And here are some close ups:

Not sure if you can read the yellow, but it says, "I have family in China." This is picture of Caroline at age 6 or 7 (?) with her foster mom.

So what's your favorite part of the poster?

And there she was...

2011-09-03T22:19:00.000-05:00

Let me begin by offering my deepest apologies for totally leaving you hangin'. I know I don't have any excuses. But here are the activities that have kept us buzzing about.

Caroline is still loving school, but we've spent many hours on homework since I have to translate so much for her. Her English continues to improve, but we still have a long way to go. I won't lie...I do get discouraged some days when we can't communicate and the translator can't quite convey our meanings. I long to have a conversation with her in which we can maintain eye contact, read each other's tone, and express moods through facial expressions.

I was grateful to have my mom come in town for a week to help with the kids, and especially to work her magic in my yard. She has a much-coveted green thumb, while mine must possess poison. I manage to destroy everything I touch. She helped me weed, prune, trim, plant and spread stones, pebbles, and pine straw. Thank you Mom! (And thanks Dad for flying her down!)
Carter and Grace begin school on Wednesday, and I do believe we are the last preschool in town to start. Carter begs to go to school EVERY day. He is so excited that the big day is drawing near at last. He'll attend school 3 days, and Grace will go 2 days a week. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to having some free hours to myself throughout the week! We can finally get into a routine, and I can finally get organized.

I truly have felt like I'm living in survival mode the last couple of months. It's an understandable place to be at first when a new child is added into the family. But people eventually start to think you're flaky when you take days (and sometimes weeks) to respond to emails and phone calls. And forget birthdays and birthday parties (that are marked on your calendar). And use words or phrases that make no sense. Or better yet, when you just break off in mid-sentence because you can't remember what you were going to say. My friends and family (and sweet blog readers) have been very patient with me. Xie Xie!! (Thank you.)

I have at least organized my list of projects and activities to enjoy during my spare time. Because I'm never too busy to make a list. In no particular order, here are my foci: (or "focuses," as I first typed and then stared at with confusion)

1. Get back to exercising 3x/week like I did pre-China trip...I had so much more energy!

2. More time reading my beloved books

3. Write more

4. Blog regularly

5. Be more intentional about learning Mandarin (taking lessons and doing Rosetta Stone)

6. Work on photography skills

7. Spend at least one day a week in deeper Bible study (using commentaries and all the amazing resources that I insisted on purchasing after seminary but have neglected since becoming a mom)

These things might make me sound overly ambitious, but they are not busywork. These pursuits bring me joy. And I'm giddy just thinking about it all!

In addition to my ongoing activities, here are my short-term projects:

1. Caroline's Gotcha Day video

2. Blog redesign (we're talking major overhaul)

3. Print all pics from China and organize into photo albums

Grace and Caroline are doing so well together now. They still get sassy with each other, but that's what sisters do. They have little games they play together. And Caroline's favorite way to play with her siblings is to sit on the back of the tricycle and pedal with her sister or brother sitting in front.

Exhibit A:
You might notice the scrapes on Caroline's leg. Two weeks ago, she had a little bike accident. And it wasn't on this bicycle.
She was playing outside with her cousin and decided to try out MK's bike while MK was getting more basketballs. Mary Katherine walked out of the garaged to see Caroline flying down the driveway. I don't think she had ever ridden a bike before, and she crashed into the fence. She had scrapes and gashes all up the left side of her body, and even on her right arm. She never cried, and even had a hard time letting me comfort and pamper her that evening. I finally translated that I just wanted to be her mommy and to comfort her but that she was pushing me away. I told her I was there to help her. She softened after that, but she still remained pretty stoic and independent all week with the exception of allowing Scott and I to help bandage her wounds.

One thing we've learned about Caroline (and had read in cases of other adopted children) is that she doesn't have a sense of danger or caution. She even gets too rough when playing with the kids because she doesn't seem to know how to control her energy. She doesn't understand linear thinking or consequences. For example, last night she was lying in her grandfather's hammock. She kept swinging it, and I warned her it would flip. She said (with a little bit of annoyance) that she was being careful. A few seconds later, after some efforts to swing higher, the hammock flipped and dumped her onto the ground. I could tell she was embarrassed. We know that we really have to monitor her more closely. In time, I suppose those instincts and perception of risks will kick in. (Insight from some experienced parents of older adopted kids??)

Over the last few weeks, Caroline and I have had some very difficult days. Realistic expectations prepare the mind, but nothing prepares your heart for the moments of rejection, mistrust, and hurtful comments. I've shed some tears and even wanted to throw her backpack at her one morning when I dropped her off at school. But I'll say that I have not once wavered in our decision to adopt an older child. I have not once thought we made a mistake or questioned God about His plan for our family. Sometimes my heart wells up with love for my new daughter. Even following moments of discord when I should feel anything but the warm and fuzzies. That's been proof enough to me that the Holy Spirit is working in my heart and supplying all my needs.

I know that much of her behavior is normal for a tween. But when you don't already have a foundation of trust, a history of intimacy, a knowledge of personality and character, a treasure of fond memories from childhood, it's challenging as a mother to discern the root of the behavior. We're still getting to know our daughter, and it's like asking, "Will the real Caroline LiYun please stand up?" Mothers and daughters typically have a strong bond before the hormones and mood swings ever hit.

Several weeks ago, Caroline opened up to me about her life in China. For three hours, she typed on google translate and shared stories and truths with me, some which were difficult to digest. Contrary to my assumptions, she did not have a happy family life in her foster home. Her honesty allowed me insight into her perception of parents and her lack of experience in a true mother-daughter relationship. It helped me to see why she is so independent and finds it strange that I want to help. She also shared that she had never been told "I love you" before we spoke those life-giving words to her. In her 12 years of life, she had not once been told that she was loved. Or treasured. Or wanted. She explained that it is because of her background that she has to "consider so much." And why she finds it hard to trust others. You expect as much from orphans, but the hard realities are mind-boggling and devastating when you are face-to-face, looking into the eyes of the affected child. Will you join me in praying that Caroline will soon trust Jesus as her Lord and Savior and that He will perform a miraculous work of restoration and healing in the depths of Caroline's heart and the dark corners of her psyche?

In addition to at least trusting me enough to open up, some sweet and positive signs of bonding have been Caroline's new routine of seeking me out (if I'm not in the family room) to hug me goodnight and turning back to smile at me as she walks into school.

Carter and Grace have always been best buds. But lately, they've been really sweet together. They pretend to head to school or work, and they set up offices on different sides of the room. And then the conversations go like this:

Carter: Bye Grace! I'm going to work! See you later!

Grace: Bye GuhGuh! I love you! Have a good day! (blows a kiss)

Carter: Okay!! I will miss you!

A few minutes later...

Grace: I'm coming home now!

Carter: Me too! Hey Grace. I really missed you today (hugging his sister).

Grace: I missed you too! Okay, time to go to work again!

And once again, I've rambled. That's what happens when I cram three weeks worth of updates into one post. To conclude, I want to share one last story. It is a year ago today that I saw Caroline's face for the first time!

You can read the full story and timeline here. I am still in awe at how everything unfolded. I remember opening the advocacy email from my agency and immediately being taken with an 11-year-old girl, having just told my close friend that I wanted to adopt a child that age (years down the road, of course!). All weekend, I stared at her picture and description with this strange feeling that she was mine. Having only been home with Grace for four months, everyone laughed, scoffed, or simply humored my declaration that we would adopt her. But nothing could stop God's incredible plan for our family. Not even my own doubts and fears. And now I am staring at this beautiful girl across the room in our home!!

I just ran over to Caroline after typing the last paragraph to tell her about the importance of today. She gave me the sweetest smile I've seen in a while. Just maybe she'll fall asleep tonight feeling special, desired, and loved. A precious moment to celebrate, dear friends!! :)

Happy Labor Day weekend!!

Many Firsts

2011-08-15T09:26:00.000-05:00

What a crazy week it has been! First of all, I loved reading all the responses about Caroline's dream. Of course, we'll never fully know the meaning. But my foremost thought is that God was saying, "It doesn't matter how short or tall you are.... as long as you grow up always facing the sun/Son." Regardless of the meaning, it was so encouraging to see Caroline so excited and intrigued by God. She didn't care as much about what He said as she did about having a dream about Him. He is working!

Since my last post, there have been lots of "firsts" in our family. Last weekend while at Lake Martin, Carter transformed from a fearful boy who could barely stick his face in the water to a brave and adventurous swimmer who leaped off the dock (with a life jacket, of course) and swam around to the ladder as if he'd been swimming for months! It was unbelievable to watch. I think all the instructions and instincts just finally clicked together, and he realized he could control himself in the water.

Carter and cousin Tripp

Another first was the meeting of Caroline and some family from Mobile and Fairhope.

Lily (who is also 12) and Caroline hit it off and especially bonded over jumping off the upper deck ledge! It was really cute to watch them hold hands, take deep breaths, prepare to jump, and then giggle when neither of them took the plunge. We'd have to count to ten several times before they'd actually jump.

Carter and Grace continue to idolize their big sister. The two girls still have daily spats, but I guess that's what you get with sisters.

Part of the issue has been that Grace has become extremely clingy with me and will yell at Caroline if she tries to help her when Grace only wants me. Then Caroline gets made and begins antagonizing her. I know that Grace is feeling insecure and jealous, and many of her abandoment issues come from her subconscious (thus awaking her numerous times each night). And I know that giving her affection and love is what she needs more than discipline (although there has to be balance.) But it's hard not to just get mad and want to lock her in her room for an hour. (Which is what you're told NOT to do with an adopted child!) I have to pray hourly for patience!! At the same time, Grace can be such a cutie. Lately, she's been standing on the fireplace to perform, saying "Ladies and GIRRRLLLLSS!!!!!" with a sweeping arm gesture. Then she'll lean forward and whisper, "Clap your hands."

Grace and Cece listening to Justin Beiber on Caroline's iPod

Speaking of entertainment, Carter caught a TV clip of JP proposing to Bachelorette Ashley. When he asked what was happening, I said they were going to get married. (I guess we'll see. LOL) Anyway, he ran to get dressed "just like that guy on TV." And he informed me that he was going to get married. When I asked who the lucky bride was, he said, "Mommy!" I was delighted! He put on his "suit" and ran outside to get a flower to put on his lapel. No roses in the backyard, but a pink snapdragon worked just fine.

Oh the details he picks up on! I melted when he took my hand, smiled intently up at me, and walked us forward singing, "Duhhh duh-duh dah!!" He later referred to me as his "married girl."

Caroline had her first day of homeschooling last Thursday. She had expressed interest in staying home with me for a couple of months, and we were going to focus mostly on her learning English. I worked out lesson plans until November, when we planned for her to begin 5th grade.

Just an FYI to all of you parents who are using Google Translate...it's not as accurate as I thought! I had translated a few chapters from The Jesus Storybook Bible and then thought I should translate the translation to make sure it was correct. Well, let me advise you to leave out any type of metaphor or analogy. One sentence translated back as "God is a kitten who chases her tail." The original statement was that you can learn about God in the way a kitten chases her tail. (I know.... you need the context of the chapter to understand.) I had also typed out a brief version of my testimony. I had written that I understood my life had not been as difficult as hers but that I had experienced pain and loss as well as redemption and restoration through God. I was horrified to see that my sentence was translated back as "My life has not been bad because your life has been." OH MY GOODNESS!!! Totally not what I said! So to make a long story short, I had to keep reworking the English sentences, translating them, copying and pasting the Chinese into the translator, and then seeing how it translated back to English. It was a long process.

While I enjoyed teaching Caroline on Thursday, she had decided just days before that she actually wanted to go to school. But we were worried about her just sitting in class all day and not understanding anything or having any way to communicate with her teacher. Well, Thursday morning, the ESL teacher called and gave us some information (that would have been helpful weeks ago). They proposed giving Caroline an iPad to have at her desk so she could use Google Translate. They had also placed another Chinese student in her class who already knows some English. And on top of that, they placed some other kids from the summer ESL camp so that Caroline would have some familiar faces. So, we went up to the school and let her peek in her class and look around. It was an amazing blessing that a girl she had met recently and clicked with was also in her class! So Friday morning, my girl had her first day of "real" school, as she called it.

She loved it!! We'll see how she feels after this whole week. But I think she'll pick up on English faster. And I also think she'll be more motivated to learn the language as she makes friends. My cousins, Leigh Ann and Ashley, have been wonderful as they've helped me navigate the carpool lines, had their own 5th graders (Mary Katherine and Tate) walk Caroline into school, advise me from backpacks to clothing trends, and been prayer warriors and encouragers each day. I couldn't have made it through Friday without them, as it was a huge change to jump into with less than 12 hours to plan. I am really thrilled for Caroline and admire her courage. But I will say I'm sad when I look at all the work I had put into her lesson plans and think of the time we would have spent together. However, Caroline is very social and independent. In some ways, we may bond faster having time apart becaues she'll see me more as a refuge when she comes home from school vs. the teacher/mom/disciplinarian that she can't escape from.
Another thank you goes to my sweet friend Susan who watched Carter and Grace for me ALL day Thursday as I homeschooled and then spent the afternoon visiting the elementary school and finishing Caroline's registration. She had four kids on her hands!

I am rushing to finish this and Grace is trying to type too, so I have no idea how many typos are in this post. Oh well....more to come soon. I'm finally getting my act together! Thanks for your patience!

Interpretation of Dreams

2011-08-05T16:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, Caroline and I discussed the potentially discouraging news that she is 97% done growing , according to doctors. And she is very petite. In the midst of the conversation, I suggested that she could pray to God for growth. In China, she often said, "When I grow up, I want to be tall." So I knew she would be brokenhearted to hear that she may only be 4'10". Since we haven't had very many discussions about God yet, I had to explain that God answers prayers and performs miracles. But sometimes He doesn't answer prayers the way we want them answered because He has a more perfect plan for our lives. However, He does care about every concern or desire of our heart. So she could pray to God, even if she wasn't sure what she believed yet, and she could tell Him her deepest desires.

This morning, she woke up and immediately wanted my attention to Google Translate. She asked whether I had ever dreamed about God. I told her that I had. And she said aloud in English, "He said.." and typed, "As long as you grow up always facing the sun." I felt goosebumps as I believe that God could very well have spoken to her. I am not sure how to interpret the dream...maybe sun was really "Son." Maybe sun was translated from "light" which is often used as a parallel to God. Either way, she seemed very encouraged.

Ironically, Carter spent last night at the lake with Grand Mary and Papa and watched "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." If only Joseph were here now to interpet Caroline's dream! For fun, what is your interpretation of her dream? How would you understand what she heard in her sleep??

How to Guarantee a Big Hug from your Chinese Daughter

2011-07-31T15:45:00.004-05:00

Present them with.....dried squid.

A very popular snack in China is dried fish/squid, and this is one of Caroline's favorites. I found some through Amazon (Amazon never fails me!) and had it shipped here. When I opened the box, I grabbed the bags and ran to Caroline because I knew she would be overjoyed to have a familiar and beloved food reach her distressed and over-American-food taste buds. She. was. ecstatic. She broke into the biggest smile I've seen in a while, and she threw her arms around me in a big hug.

It felt so good to bring her joy. I know...it was over dried squid. But I was giddy all afternoon.

The last few days have been really great, and Caroline and I have definitely had some bonding moments. I can't go into details, but let's just say that God equipped us both to face some major milestones. And I found that I may handle tween issues much better than toddler tantrums! Thank you so much for all your prayers...they are obviously working!

Our biggest challenge this weekend is staying cool. Our air conditioning is out, and the thermostat currently reads that is is 87 degrees in our house. Luckily, the unit for the kids' room is working, so we've all been sleeping in that small part of the house. But we can't hang out there 24/7. The chocolate chips in my pantry have actually melted! Hopefully we can get someone out here tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm sitting in front of a box fan and taking advantage of the situation as an excuse to be lazy and eat out. :)

Grafted In

2011-07-29T11:48:00.002-05:00

God is still using Dr. Karyn Purvis' bible study guide as a huge blessing in my life, mainly in reminding me of concepts, facts, and approaches I learned pre-adoption that now need to be applied post-China. One of the most important points I've been reminded of is the need of adopted children to develop trust, self-worth, and self-efficacy. As a parent to Caroline, my role right now is to help her believe "I am safe, I am precious, I am heard." (page 12 of Created to Connect)

Through awareness of Caroline's history and needs, Dr. Purvis teaches that I can, with God's help, lead her to healing and restoration. The challenging part is creating a balance of nurture and structure, and discerning which is appropriate for each situation. From a practical standpoint, I've realized that I'm more likely to be compassionate and employ the best approach when I've: (a) prayed that day; (b) had enough personal time to be refreshed. In fact, a child psychologist I once consulted said that the four most important things moms can do to maximize their impact is to get good rest, exercise, spend time with the Lord in prayer and study, and have an hour of personal time each day. Unfortunately, I tend to feel guilty when I take time to read, nap, or do something I enjoy. Because I can't help but think of the bills I need to send, or the 4-day old emails I need to return, or the friends I need to check on. Then I'll get the bright idea that I can cram all things into one day. So I make iced coffee in the afternoon, drink myself silly with caffeine, and try to stay up as late as I can still be productive. This lasts until 1:30 pm the next day when I crash on the couch during naptime and I lose valuable hours in the day to achieve the very things I hoped to get done.

Does anyone else feel the same way? This isn't a complaint by any means...it's just a question of how to balance everything and make personal time a priority when you feel selfish in doing so. At some point, a ball has to be dropped. And even when I've succeeded in simplifying our lives, the to do list seems endless. While driving the kids around to lessons has been a relatively new experience this summer, I actually enjoy the guaranteed down time that comes along with it. For instance, during Caroline's piano lesson (the toddlers were at summer MDO), I had an hour to read and do my quiet time. I think I may like this development in our schedule!

Anyway....moving on! Caroline and I have had some really fun moments during the last few days. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with fondness for her. And what do you do when you feel love for your small child? You scoop them up, embrace them with a bear hug, and cover them with kisses and zerberts. I'm not sure that would go over well with my 12-year-old. So instead, I restrain my zeal and just look at her with crazed eyes and a goofy grin and hope she can sense how big my heart feels because she's in our lives.

One of the challenges of adopting an older child is connecting her with friends, assessing talents and skills, fitting her into existing groups, etc. These are things that typically happen organically as your children grow up. In Caroline's case, we're essentially grafting her in to social, academic, and church contexts and opportunities. And with all the options and connections that have come up, I feel like I've got a bunch of puzzle pieces that I need to figure how to fit together. Does that make sense? Carter and Grace's involvement in all these areas will happen naturally as they grow and develop and make friends each year. There is a great website that friend Kelly started last year called We are Grafted In, and it's a great adoption resource. I never realized before now what a great title she chose!

We feel blessed that, despite the challenges, God is truly grafting Caroline into our family, and she seems to be taking to our roots. Kelly wrote an incredible blog post on grafting as a metaphor for adoption...you can read it here.

“But some of these branches from Abraham’s tree—some of the people of Israel—have been broken off. And you Gentiles, who were branches from a wild olive tree, have been grafted in. So now you also receive the blessing God has promised Abraham and his children, sharing in the rich nourishment from the root of God’s special olive tree.” (Romans 11:17, New Living Translation)

Have we really been home THREE weeks today? Impossible! :)

Sketches & Supper

2011-07-27T19:47:00.006-05:00

We discover more about our new daughter every day. I noticed in China that Caroline enjoyed doodling, so we journeyed to a crafts store on Tuesday to buy some art supplies. I thought it might be therapeutic for her to draw or paint when she doesn't know how else to express her emotions. Anyway, it had been our most challenging day yet (in fact, I stomped into the store leaving her behind me, and she asked a few minutes later..."Are you not happy?" I emphatically said NO!"), but after some good honest discussions, she emerged from her room with a smile, a new attitude, and these awesome sketches! Okay, I know I'm probably biased. But the drawings of the anime characters look darn good to me!

Recently, Grace will spend as long as an hour (which equals 3 hours in toddler time) coloring, decorating paper with stickers, and streaking glitter glue across her masterpieces. She loves art! So it was precious to see a 2-year- old and a 12-year-old side by side, enjoying the same activity together. How often does that happen?

And to boot, Caroline isn't just good with a pencil. She's great with a spatula too. She whipped up this yummy dinner for us last night! Essentially, it's just eggs, green peppers, salt, and soy sauce. But it was really tasty, and she made it all by herself. She was nervous about cooking for us and even said, "You might not like this food. It's Southern after all." (meaning Southern China) I assured her that eggs and salt are favored in Southern America too. The real test was that Carter ate his entire portion! The kid typically will not even touch anything green. Unless it's a green Sour Patch Kid. But he ate every last bite of the egg and green pepper dish, which especially pleased his big sister. I really like this assistance in the kitchen deal, so I asked for an encore tonight. :) (By the way, the picture below doesn't do the eggs justice but it's the best I could do....I was hungry and didn't feel the need to evenly spread out the peppers. You get the idea.)
The last couple of days have been a real turning point. Caroline is picking up on English phrases rapidly now, and the light in her eyes is coming back more and more each day. Keep the prayers coming... God hears them and is using the petitions to bring glory to Him!

Gardening

2011-07-25T13:24:00.006-05:00

photos by Caroline; taken during zoo trip last week

I still can't get that song "Lead Me" out of my head. There is one particular phrase that keeps lodging in my mind and challenging me in my spirit, and it's the lyric "give them the best of my life." On Saturday night, as I was on my knees in our kitchen cleaning up the latest apple juice spill, I complained to my husband, "Is this really my life right now?"

I know. I sound bitter, ungrateful, and whiny. It had just been a long day of cleaning, laundry, playing referee between my toddlers, tempering my tween's 'tude (as friend Elissa calls it), and using a toothpick to pry PlayDoh out of the soles of my shoes. What I really wanted to do was lounge on the couch with my suspenseful novel, sip on a glass of wine, and relax to my heart's content until I felt like heading to bed. But I felt guilty as soon as my complaint left my mouth.

So that lyric has been popping up in my thoughts, and I've struggled to figure out what that looks like in parenting my children. I felt very convicted because I certainly don't give my kids my best on a daily basis. And my incredible husband often just receives my leftovers. How do I give them my best? Especially when I feel so defeated and run-down? The answer came during my quiet time this morning.

I've been working through "Created to Connect," a bible study companion to the highly acclaimed Christian adoption book The Connected Child. Author Dr. Karyn Purvis provides so much wisdom and direction. In chapter one of the study, she reminds parents that we are to be "mindful of their child's 'heart, mind, soul and strength' even as they learn to fully embrace their child's past, present and future. By loving and nurturing our children in this holistic way we can give them the gift of 'real hope' - an opportunity to heal and become whole - even as we teach them about and point them toward the source of everlasting hope in Jesus Christ." She explains that just as the Hebrew fathers in Deuteronomy 6:5 reminded Israel to "Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength," we are to love our children in the same way...the same way that we were created to be loved by our Father. And we take this seemingly impossible approach by placing our hope in the One who helps us, sustains us, and leads us.

The study encouraged me to focus on the amazing qualities of my new daughter - gifts and traits that she has had long before we knew her name. I felt a connection to contributor Cheryl Macdonald who shared her experiences with the daughter they adopted at 12. I couldn't believe the similarities when I read this paragraph by Macdonald:

"As with my backyard garden, there are also other things in the garden of my daughter's heart and life that I did not plant but cannot ignore. There are hard things that do not give life and instead seem intent to steal the beauty and joy from her victories. There are the fast-growing vines of fear and loss that try to choke out the trust and sense of permanence that has blossomed between us. And then there is the stubborn root of self-reliance that impedes vulnerability and healthy attachment. Nurturing the beauty and healthy growth in my daughter's heart and life requires constant vigilance, regular work and the humility and willingness to call upon and utilize available resources (much like the 'weed man') when needed."

(Click here to access the full study guide. It is free!)

I've been so thankful to have some incredible resources placed in my life...especially other adoptive moms. I have loved talking to mom Elissa who brought home 12-year-old Hope two weeks before us. Hope and Caroline are so similar, and we even set up a phone call for them yesterday. Caroline was pretty hesitant (in fact, she flat out refused to talk on Friday), but they ended up talking for over half an hour! I think she loved having someone to speak Mandarin with. And Elissa and I joked that they were probably exchanging stories about their crazy mommas and the ridiculous food we serve them. (By the way, here is a link to Elissa's blog. She is one of the funniest bloggers I've ever read.)

On a totally random note...In the car this afternoon, Grace said with a huge smile and much enthusiasm, "I love purple and pink. Purple and pink make me happy!" Maybe God is trying to remind me that it's the little things that can bring a smile.

Anyway, it was a great lesson for me to put on paper the qualities in all my children that I adore. And the ones that need some "weeding,"....well those are ones that I am called by God, as a mother, to tend to. I have to be intentional and alert. He gives me grace and patience if I ask. I just have to remember to ask! (And yes, I may just have to stick some post-it notes around my house to remind me.) And as the bible study taught me, persistence in pruning and weeding will lead to blossoming. And I will have the joy of witnessing the work God will bring about. That's some motivation to keep me going, even when I don't feel like it.

Hope your Monday is going well. I'm off to tend the "gardens." :)

Puppy Love

2011-07-24T13:39:00.003-05:00

She's been caught red-handed. Not just petting Jackson, but even going so far as to cover him with a blanket. Caroline probably wouldn't verbally admit it, but I believe she's smitten. :)

Carter has been obsessed with going camping in the mountains. We couldn't accomplish that just now, so we sent him camping in the next best place....the exciting wilderness of our back patio. He slept there most of the night.

And Grace's current beloved phrase is "how 'bout that?"

As in, "Mommy, can I have a fruit snack?"

"No Grace, not for breakfast. But you can have one after lunch."

"Okay, Mommy, How 'bout that?"

(Don't be fooled...she is not always that easy-going.)

"Lead Me"

2011-07-23T12:40:00.006-05:00

First of all, a thousand thank yous for your words of encouragement and affirmation. I teared up a few times because I don't at all feel inspirational, equipped, or successful in my parenting. But on the upside, these feelings have driven my prayer life to a new level.

A few mornings ago, I heard a new song on the radio. It's called "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real. I immediately fell in love with the melody and lyrics. It's written from the viewpoint of a husband and father, but the concept also relates to the feelings and prayers we have as wives, mothers, friends, caretakers, servants, and more. The words are so real, particularly for men. I downloaded and played the song this morning for Scott, as I know he feels so much responsibility and pressure to work hard, provide for his family, love, play, and lead our family.

Here is the video from YouTube. Listen to the lyrics, and I promise you will be touched.

When Expectations Meet Reality

2011-07-22T09:01:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts during the last week. My computer was hijacked by my 12-year-old when she discovered that she could watch Chinese TV shows and movies online. The last week has been great in that we've had some steps forward. But it's also been difficult in many ways. There is a lot I won't share on here for the sake of my daughter's privacy, but here are some recent observations and thoughts. I've had a lot to process this week!

EXPECTATION: Because I did so much reading, talking to adoptive families of older children, praying, researching, etc., I thought I'd be more confident in how to handle each situation.

REALITY: I am constantly second-guessing myself and my decisions. Just like babies, every child is so different that not one can be treated "by the book." I continuously battle questions such as Are we bonding quickly enough? Should I give her more space? Do I teach her more English phrases today or is she overwhelmed? Do I lay down the law now or go easy with her for a few more weeks?

EXPECTATION: Given that Caroline is 12 years old, I thought she might more easily grasp the truth that I repeatedly tell Grace and Carter: "Mommy always comes back."

REALITY: Knowing her background of being abandoned at nearly 2, leaving beloved caretakers at the orphanage at 5 to join a foster family, being adopted domestically and then going back to the foster family two weeks later, and then leaving the foster family she has loved for 7 years, this girl probably has more heartache, insecurity, doubts, fears, confidence, and courage than I could ever imagine. This past weekend, she asked Scott how "we could love a random stranger." We explained to her that we have loved her for months, and we also choose to love her and nurture her. Last night, when I asked Caroline if she believed that we love her, she responded on Google Translate with "That bad." When I asked what was bad, she replied that she might lose us again one day. My heart skipped several beats as I realized that she still has fears that she'll lose her forever family. She finds it "bad" to believe in our love and to return our love because she thinks it's necessary to protect her heart. Deep down, she fears that we'll leave her. It had been a rough day, so I assured her that no matter what she does or says, even if she is really angry or rude to me, we will love her and will never leave her. She is our daughter forever. Her response was, "that would be best of course."

EXPECTATION: I knew food would be an issue, as nearly all Chinese people find American food hard to adapt to. Chinese food typically doesn't include butter, cream, cheese, herbs, or seasonings, so meals can taste incredibly foreign to them. Just as some Chinese delicacies might make us bite our lips and cringe.

REALITY: I have been making HUGE meals with the hopes that at least two items would appeal to Caroline's taste buds. Some nights, she hasn't liked anything I've prepared. I wanted her to be honest and tell me her true opinions, but when she has (and even made a gagging motion after tasting my chicken pot pie!), the flesh in me wanted to stomp away and let her go hungry. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT??? Even when I know she may not like the meal and I totally understand where she is coming from, I find it difficult to not take it personally and to stifle my sinful reactions. I have to remind myself that I would make a gagging motion too if I were taken to China at age 12 and given chicken feet for dinner. I took Caroline to an Asian supermarket and we stocked up on some Chinese ingredients, snacks, and noodles. And really, she has done so well trying and eating new foods. She strives to not be picky, and even when she gives honest feedback, she is not being rude at all.

EXPECTATION: Given Caroline's affection and enthusiasm in China, I anticipated being best buds when we returned home. I dreamed of spending time together reading her bilingual books, bowling on the Wii, watching So You Think You Can Dance, playing games, learning English and Mandarin phrases, and more.

REALITY: I lost my cool factor pretty quickly. When we're in my minivan, she sits all the way in the back even when it's just the two of us! :) She hasn't really wanted to spend time with me. She has preferred reading, watching Chinese movies, and some crafts. While I candidly share my dreams, I also knew it was unrealistic to expect that closeness. But even when you have realistic expectations, the reality is harder to embrace when it arrives. I talked to one mom on the phone last night who adopted a 12 year-old from China two weeks before us. She has so much wisdom and insight, and she shared that her daughter responded the same way. She suggested that both girls might have become scared when they realized they were starting to fall in love with their new families. Maybe they even feel guilty for loving a new family when they loved their foster families. And just maybe they're freaking out and pulling back because they don't know how to process their emotions. I know that Caroline and I will continue to bond in time. Twelve is a difficult age because kids still long for the comfort and boundaries from their parents while also feeling the need to spread their wings and test their independence. A hopeful sign that we're progressing in attachment is that every morning this week when I have dropped Caroline off at ESL camp (English Second Language), she has looked back at me right before walking in. She wants to be sure I am watching her and that I am still there. I hope to entice her to cook with me this weekend, as she has expressed interest in preparing some of her Chinese favorites.

EXPECTATION: With China's Communist history and mentality, I assumed parents had strict regulations and rules.

REALITY: We just learned from a Chinese friend that since the government cracks down so hard, parents usually don't censor much. One of Caroline's frustrations is that she feels "over-regulated" because we limit her time on the internet, we don't allow food in her room, and we have forbidden her to read comics online. While the anime comics are very popular with tweens and teens in China, many of the stories are incredibly violent, provocative, and inappropriate. However, the whole concept of parents censoring media is new to our daughter so it seems abnormally unfair to her. I never expected censorship to be one of our first battles! But the flip side is that Caroline loves to read good books and has finished two classics in three days.

EXPECTATION: That Grace and Caroline would form a tight bond very quickly.

REALITY: It's Carter and Caroline who have clicked immediately. Grace has really taken to her big sister too but it's so sweet to observe how much Carter and Caroline enjoy each other. Yesterday, Carter climbed into Caroline's bed so they could each read their books. He is also very protective of her. EVERY time we get in the car, he says, "Remember your seatbelt Caroline! In America, it's the law." (In China, no one wears seatbelts.) Last week, when we dropped Carter off at his grandparents to spend the night, he stopped playing and ran up to his big sister before we left. He held up his pointer finger, saying, "Remember your seatbelt!"

It's been a hard week in that we've had to establish more boundaries, discuss disobedience, and face our tween's sadness and frustration. But we've also had sweet moments, laughter, hugs, and breakthroughs in understanding. My heart melts every time I hear Caroline's sweet voice call "Mommy." I continue to pray for wisdom and discernment to know when to push her forward or when to step back. I want to be more affectionate without smothering her. I want to encourage her to open up without prying too much. I want to make our authority as her parents clear without appearing too harsh. Sometimes I just wish she would let her walls come down and cry in my arms. Then I remind myself that we've only been home two weeks. We have a long road ahead, and we're with her on this journey to eternity. She's stuck with us!

Lake Pics from Weekend...Post to come soon

2011-07-20T13:44:00.004-05:00

Caroline's first sea doo ride

Caroline and cousin Mary Katherine

Carter and Daddy

Grace contemplating whether to jump into the water

Grace and cousin Cece

Grace feeding Caroline

(Apparently this is a rite of passage for each new family addition...I just realized I have a very similar picture of Carter feeding Grace a cheerio last year!)

Angels in Construction Hats

2011-07-13T16:07:00.004-05:00

Photo by Charissa Hanson, November 2010

We had quite a scare this morning. I was walking Carter and Grace into summer camp, and Caroline had decided to stay in the car. Holding two bags and a beach towel in one hand, I held Carter's hand with the other, and he held Grace's hand. Our trio had just taken a few steps forward to the right when I suddenly heard men yelling. Unbeknownst to be me, Grace had stumbled and fallen, letting go of her brother's hand. And when I looked back, she was on her hands and knees about a foot away from the tire of an SUV that was backing up. I lurched to grab her, and the mom suddenly saw me and braked. I was so shaken that we just bolted into the church.

When I walked back outside, I searched for the men who had yelled warnings. I finally found a group of construciton men and thanked them for alerting my attention. Whenever the 3 of us are walking in a chain, I alternately glance at the kiddos and then around us for moving vehicles. So within a couple of seconds, I would have seen Grace had fallen behind. But given that she fell so close to the car and, at the same, it was backing up, a few seconds might have been too late. I have teared up several times today thinking of what could have happened, especially given that our Sunday school class has been praying for a little girl who ran behind her father's truck last week and was run over. She was critically injured but survived and will recover in time. I thought I was being careful with all of us holding hands and moving slowly, but I realized how quickly tragedies can happen. I have given endless thanks today that my precious Grace was saved and that God used men on their work break to play a part.

Whenever close calls happen, you immediately been reevaluating your priorities. This afternoon, when Grace awoke from her nap, she crawled into my lap and cuddled with me. Periodically, she'd place her little hands on my cheeks, turn my head, and say, "Mommy look at me." For a 2 1/2-year-old, she has incredible eye contact. When she is speaking to you, she wants to have your full attention and eye contact to connect. As she looked so deeply into my eyes this afternoon, I realized she was looking for much more than a response her to exclamation about Kai-Lan's playhouse. She was saying, "Mommy, look at me. Really look at me. I am not feeling very secure right now, and I need you to reassure me."

I have honestly felt so annoyed the last couple of weeks by her constant questions, temper tantrums, sassiness, and jealousy. Today I realized that I need to get to the root of the issue and give her more attention. Simply by stopping and looking her in the eyes, I can make her feel loved and cherished. I really believe she's questioning how she fits into her momma's heart and life right now with our new addition, and I want her to know that I love her so much it hurts. It's sad that it took a nearly tragic incident to reveal all this to me, but I am thankful God knows exactly how to get our attention.

On a lighter note, I received a call from the vet surgeon this afternoon and learned that Jackson did very well in surgery today. He will spend the night there and will hopefully be able to come home with us tomorrow. This morning as we waited in the animal hospital, Jackson was shaking uncontrollably with fear. Carter, who typically antagonizes our dog, put his arms around Jackson's neck and kept saying, "It'll be okay Jackson. Don't worry." And Caroline even kept coming over to pet Jackson. He's definitely winning her over!

Thank you, thank you for all the coupon and grocery tips!!! I plan to check out all the sites tonight and make meal plans accordingly. You all are amazing!!!!!!! I think my husband is more thankful now than ever for this blog. :)

Jet-lag has zapped my creativity so I don't have a title

2011-07-12T14:54:00.005-05:00

Why these huge smiles?

You probably won't believe me, but Grace and Carter were grinning from ear to ear because they were going to....summer school. Really, it's a summer camp on Mondays and Wednesday for the rest of July, but Carter likes to call it school. And I was so thankful that they didn't get upset when they realized I wasn't dropping off Caroline too. Grace has been jealous when Caroline and I leave together. It's such a great blessing to have a few hours these two mornings when I can focus on Caroline's needs and know the kids are having a blast.

It's hard to truly evaluate what's like going from 2 to 3 kids because it's still early. But I will say I felt like a ping pong paddle trying to lunge and hit back three balls this morning. I was trying to help Caroline with her piano exercises, periodically jumping into Carter's "office" to be his client, and running sprints into the kitchen to fetch Grace more juice, more yogurt, and anything else she could think of to keep me in the room.

And I'll confess that I lost my cool a little at the sporting goods store when we were trying to buy some running shoes and workout clothes for Caroline, and Carter was picking out which sports bra was his size, and Grace dumped out all the "necessities" in her pink purse which she insisted on bringing into the store. Now if those run-on sentences tire you out reading them, then you get the gyst of how I felt today. :)

But all in all, I'd say that we're all doing pretty well. We decided to stay home from church on Sunday because we didn't want to overwhelm Caroline with too many new experiences at once. Also, because she's already a little skeptical (not sure if this is the right word) about our faith (as she has no religious upbringing), we wanted to teach her some things about church and our beliefs first so she has a foundation. On Sunday morning, we read a Bible story together as a family and prayed. Then I had her read and listen to an online devotion in Mandarin that a Christian adoption group had recommended. She has listened to one of the devotions each day and seems to be receptive, so this is a good start! We've told her that we want to share with her about our God and all that we believe because our faith is the most important thing to us. However, we also told her that it will be her choice to follow Jesus Christ. We won't force her to adopt our beliefs. I think she felt more open to learning when she learned she had a choice. The same is true for Carter and Grace. We can't make them believe what we believe, but we certainly pray with all our hearts that they will one day choose to love, serve, and follow the Lord!

On a light note, we've been laughing at my confusion of words. Especially in China, I would exclaim a phrase in Chinese to the kids without realizing it. And then when I couldn't think of the right Mandarin word to speak to Caroline, I either came out with French or an English word spoken in a Chinese accent. :) For example, "Ni find thee maga-zeeeen." Embarrassing, I know.

Then, I was trying to get Grace down for her nap yesterday and she was not following my instruction. For a brief moment, I turned to get the electronic translator, somehow thinking that would help get my point across! Can I blame all this on jet-lag??

Caroline had her first piano lesson yesterday and picked it up very quickly. She has enjoyed practicing and is eager to learn more.

She surprised me by deciding to participate in an ESL camp at school next week. The camp is every morning from 8:30-11:30 am. When I told her on Google Translate that I was glad she was going but that I would miss her, she placed her hand on my shoulder (she was sitting behind me on Grace's bed) and left it there a few moments. So sweet! After next week, she'll start tutoring lessons with the ESL teacher. We also bought Rosetta Stone today so she can work on her English that way as well. She picks up more every day.

Oh and a cute story from yesterday.... her piano teacher, Julia, is an old friend of mine. Julia is very slim and petite and had some clothes, jewelry, and shoes she wanted to give away to Caroline. When we got home and laid it all out on my bed, she said, "Oh! Show Daddy...Daddy say no more shopping!!!" All afternoon, she anxiously waited for Scott to get home so she could play her little joke. And he totally fell for it. He was giving me eyes that said, "How could you spend so much money????" Caroline just giggled and giggled and then looked up the phrase "Fool you!" on google translate. It was a great moment.
But speaking of spending lots of money, we got some bad news yesterday. Bad news for our bank account, and bad news for our sweet dog Jackson. He hasn't been acting right for quite some time. I even found blood in his urine before we left for China and took him to the vet. The doc put him on an antibiotic while we were gone, but Jackson seemed even worse the last few days. Xrays taken yesterday revealed a jagged stone in his bladder. The only way to remove it is through invasive surgery. So we take him to a specialist in the morning for an evaluation, and they may even do surgery tomorrow afternoon. And I about developed my own stone when the receptionist said the preliminary estimate for the surgery was between $1200-$1400!!! So for all of you expert coupon-clippers and savers out there, I need your help! With little spare time right now, I am tempted to pay someone to clip me coupons and help me save on groceries. But I suppose that defeats the point. On a serious note though, if you know that, say, chicken is on sale at Publix, such a comment would a HUGE blessing! :)

And pray for sweet Jackson that he would do well with the surgery and recovery.

Adjusting

2011-07-10T13:37:00.006-05:00

The little kids are napping, Caroline is reading, Scott just headed to the office to catch up on work, and I am marveling at the fact that I'm sitting here (awake) with a few moments alone. Lately, as soon as I am alone, I crash into a deep sleep. Thank you for being patient with me in posting an update.

Let's see... where to start. Here is a picture Caroline took out her window on the airplane. With the long flight being her 2nd plane ride ever, she was very intrigued with the view and took tons of pictures.

Here are two pictures from our homecoming at the airport that I didn't have for the last post:

Incredible friends who came so late to welcome us home: Michelle, Joy, Emily, Susan, and Amy

And Caroline with some of her new cousins (Mary Katherine, Alex, and Tate) who brought her flowers and candy! They have been so sweet and excited about Caroline's arrival in the US, and we have a feeling they will be pretty tight buds. We'll head to the lake this coming weekend so they can hang out and have some bonding time over swimming, skiing, UNO, and other fun games that don't necessarily require language skills!

Grace and Caroline have been doing so well together!! I am so thankful. I admit I was worried for a little while but figured Grace would come around. She is just fiercely attached to me (which is great adoption-wise) and possessive of my attention. I presume she's been feeling like her mommy was being taken away.
I was also worried when Caroline informed us at the airport on the way home that she doesn't like dogs or any animals (despite telling us she liked dogs earlier in the week). Jackson is a Maltese, so he's small and doesn't slobber or shed. But he DOES rejoice in sitting on the lap of anyone who will sit still. To our surprise, Caroline will pet Jackson and let him sit close to her. But after getting up, she's been immediately heading to the sink to wash up. And not just her hands...she washes up to her elbows! :) Through the translator, she kept insisting that dogs carry bacteria and germs and mites. I tried to tell her that Jackson is an indoor dog, takes monthly treatments to prevent fleas, and had just had a bath the day before. But my arguments were to no avail. I am actually just encouraged that she tolerates our sweet dog!
On our drive home from the airport Thursday night, Carter cracked us up with his comment, "Daddy and I are so excited to be going to work again!" And later in a poignant moment, he said, "Daddy, I just want to be like you."
So sure enough, on Friday morning, Carter dressed up in his "suit" and tie like Daddy. He grabbed his blue briefcase and a banana (what Scott grabs on his way out the door). As Scott headed out to his car and waved, Carter went out the back door waving and went to "work" in the playhouse in our yard. It was precious! And just to be honest, I am getting this whole story heresay from my mom, as I was still sleeping. :) My parents came over to help with the kids and even cooked us dinner Friday night!
Some fun welcome home surprises were these balloons that my cousin Ashley and her family put on our mailbox.
And this priceless banner and post of pictures that our house/dog-sitters, Lindsey and Martha, made before we arrived home. They had even printed a picture from Gotcha Day and put it in one of Caroline's empty frames in her room. They are amazing!!!! Martha had even gone grocery shopping for us to stock our pantry and fridge. Thank you sweet friends!

Some highlights from the last couple of days:

When we got home after midnight Thursday night, Caroline loved looking around the house and then spent several hours organizing her room, framing pictures she had brought with her, setting up her bookshelf, etc. She and I didn't go to bed until after 3 am. But she was so excited, I wanted to let her make her room her own. I have to admit that I cringed when she moved the bookcase, rearranged some items, and put some stickers on the lamp and dresser. Until now, I have had total decorating control over the whole house. But I realize I have to relax and allow her to create a bedroom that is truly "tween" and her own.
Friday, I let Caroline sleep until 12 pm and then woke her up. We spent the day playing and resting and visiting with my parents. Courtney (my sister) joined us for dinner. And then Scott's sister Julie and his parents came over for dessert. Julie gave Caroline a game set that includes badmitton (Caroline's fave sport), and we all had so much fun playing in the yard. We found that she is VERY coordinated! I am checking into tennis lessons for her since the US doesn't really sport a strong badmitton program.
Another activity Caroline has LOVED is playing our piano. She has spent a ton of time on the bench picking out tunes from "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" to "Fur Elise." She says she has never played a piano before now. So she's either tricking us, or she's got a knack for music. By Saturday, I had her a piano lesson scheduled for this week. :) It might sound crazy to be throwing her into activities, but she has made it clear that she gets restless and wants to have some things to do. I think she'll love having some piano exercises to practice.
Yesterday was a challenging day. We are trying to establish rules but don't want to overwhelm our new addition. We've told her that she can't lock her door, she has to eat in the kitchen, she has to ask before she eats snacks (particularly sweets or junkfood), lights have to be out by 10 pm, etc. Caroline began to cop an attitude with us (I'm sure her ideal family she envisioned didn't include rules), and we had to establish the mindset that we are her parents. We value her opinions and input, but we ultimately make the decisions and expect her to obey us. She seemed to understand this and was very cooperative the rest of the evening.
One funny thing that she did before our "talk" was her effort to sleep. She had already napped for several hours and Scott had to wake her so she would sleep last night. He explained with the translator why it was important for her to get up then and that she could go back to bed early. About 10 minutes later, we couldn't find Caroline. After a brief search, Scott discovered her in her closet sleeping on some pillows she'd piled on the floor. He woke her again. Five minutes later, she was missing...again. Scott found her under her bed!! We were aggravated at the time because she wasn't following Scott's orders, but it's funny to think about now. The poor child just desperately wanted some peace, quiet, and sleep and couldn't fathom why her new parents were so bothersome. :)
Yesterday, I took Caroline to get some new clothes (since most of the clothes I had brought to China were too small) and shoes. Another funny note, the reason the clothes were all too small was because the measurements emailed to us a few weeks prior to our departure were incorrect. Her weight had been rounded down by 8 lbs! I laughed when I realized what had happened because isn't that a typical female thing to do?? I mean, honestly, who of you has your ACTUAL weight on your driver's license? I am pretty sure mine is from high school.
And one more update from our first 2 days home....Caroline woke up at 5 am yesterday. She waited until 6:20 to wake us up. But in the time before that, she had made her bed, made Grace's bed (Grace ended up in our bed during the night), cleaned the den, and had breakfast.

I have more to update, but this post is long enough. I guess I need to keep the posts more frequent to avoid hour-long reads. And I know if I don't get these updates on "paper," there's no way I'll remember the details even a month from now.

Thanks for all the reminders that tweens are moody and emotional even when they aren't adopted. That definitely helped me realize that she wasn't reacting to us personally and we aren't necessarily doing anything wrong. But I still covet your prayers as we transition. I will write more tomorrow about yesterday and today's emotions, challenges, and progress.

Hope you're having a restful Sunday!

Much love,

Kelley

Sweet Home Alabama

2011-07-08T15:51:00.006-05:00

After 28 hours of traveling, we finally arrived at the Birmingham airport at 11:20 pm. It was a challenging journey given that I only slept one hour total during our travel, and we were so frustrated when we got skipped over in customs at the Chicago airport which led us to miss our connecting flight home. Then our re-booked flight was over an hour delayed in departure. Thankfully, the kids did pretty well. But I could tell that Caroline wasn't sure about this whole America thing. This is how the kids looked on our last flight home...

Carter would tell everyone he saw that we were going home to Alabama. When we were just 30 minutes into our van ride from Guangzhou to Hong Kong, he asked, "Are we on the other side of the world yet?"

The long flight went pretty well. Grace and Caroline had a few clashes along the way, mainly because Grace is very hot and cold with her big sister. And Caroline finally told me on the translator, "I don't like her right now." I told her that I understood and was so glad she was honest with me. I also let her know that I appreciated how patient and persistent she had been in playing with Grace despite the little princess' diva attitude.

Carter, on the other hand, absolutely adores his big sister. When we got through customs and then reached the luggage recheck point and were told we didn't have time to make our flight, I was practically begging the airline employees to let us on whether our bags made it or not. Carter burst into tears, and we didn't know the reason until later when he explained that he thought the "police officers" weren't letting Caroline through. The poor boy thought his sister wouldn't be allowed to fly to Birmingham with us, and he said, "I want her to live with us!!" For ten minutes afterward, she carried him and he kept hugging her neck, looking at her face, and hugging her tightly some more. So sweet!

The moment finally arrived to greet family and friends who had headed to the airport very late to welcome home our new daughter!

Meeting her cousins, Tate, Alex, and Mary Katherine (my cousins' kids).

Mary Katherine has been so excited to meet Caroline! They will be in the same grade together.

Caroline and Scott's mom

Caroline and Scott's dad

Caroline immediately recognized my sister, Courtney (who goes by Aunt Coco)

With my family (minus Court's husband, Ivan)

With Scott's parents. Julie was there but I don't have any pictures with her in them...sneaky Aunt JuJu! :)

So thankful to be home with out any meltdowns from the kids! They were troopers.

Caroline and Aunt Coco

I will post more pics that other people are sending me. Thanks for all your prayers for our journey home. More updated info to come tomorrow when I've had enough sleep to create coherent sentences. :)

New Arrival Time

2011-07-07T15:00:00.004-05:00

This is Emily posting for Kelley. I just got a call that they didn't get through customs in time in Chicago to be allowed to board their next flight. They'll be taking a later flight and will now be landing at 10:15 tonight.

The Sun is Setting

2011-07-06T08:16:00.007-05:00

It's hard to believe that we're heading home tomorrow morning!! We are ready. Last night, the group embarked on the Pearl River Dinner Cruise. The food is...well...let's just say we all grabbed McDonald's an hour before we left for the cruise. But the views are spectacular. We witnessed a beautiful sunset. And the lights on the buildings are a sight to see.

Our guide Rebecca was very ill yesterday and had to go to the doctor (104 fever!). So our guide from Nanning, David, was in Guangzhou and filled in for Rebecca. Our family was thrilled to see him! Especially LiYun....we think she has a little crush. And she is going to hate me one day when she reads this. :) On the cruise, Scott and I had our first picture taken together, just the two of us, on the entire trip. Isn't that sad?? A hard part of this trip has been that we haven't had any time together, any moments to really connect and digest all that's happened. A date night is in order when we get home. A date where I can wear my fun new Chinese dress. :)

This morning, the group headed to the zoo. Grace particularly loved the panda which she kept calling a "teddy bear." It was so ridiculously hot and humid that we spent some of the time under covered tables downing water. (And dried fish...a popular snack in China that only LiYun and the kids indulged in. I thought I was open to trying new foods, but I've found I'm more reserved than I thought!) When we walked around, Carter was once again the main attraction. People would turn from the animals to stare and snap pictures of Carter. I started joking that we should throw him into a ring and charge people 2 yuan for a high five, 5 yuan to touch his curls, and 10 yuan for a picture. :)

All of the visa for the adopted kids were issued and picked up this afternoon, and it was exciting to realize everything is finally approved, processed, and completed. United States of America...here we come!

I have to confess that I've felt emotional and moody today. I am beyond exhausted. I've been sharing a bed with three people, entertaining kids or working to communicated with LiYun, completing paperwork, and more. I am never by myself, even when getting ready in the bathroom. And it's. driving. me. bonkers.

This afternoon, I walked by myself to get some Starbucks iced coffee. It was the first time in two weeks that I was alone. And it was so freeing that I felt an impulse to throw my arms wide and spin around like Fraulein Maria in The Sound of Music. Seriously. I need some personal recharging time.

While Carter has struggled with not having a schedule, he has done GREAT with adjusting to a big sister. He adores LiYun. But I guess he decided he wanted a little one-on-one time because he asked me this afternoon, "Mommy, can we go buy some lemonade and the rest of the family stay here?" So we had a little Mommy-Carter date to the grocery market.

Today was a turning point for Grace...she has been having a ball jumping on her big sister and having tickle fights. Her little voice is so cute when she calls out "LiYun!!" But this morning, prior to the big transition, she was still keeping her distance. And when Grace refused to sit next to LiYun on the golf cart at the Zoo, I caught LiYun sticking her tongue out at her little sister! At first, I was dismayed. But then I realized it's a good sign if she's feeling comfortable enough to express her true emotions. I am sure she has had her feelings hurt by Grace's "rejection" over the last week.

Some changes have definitely taken place over the last two days. LiYun has made an effort to hang out with some of the other girls around her age (one 13 year old just adopted, and a few siblings that are here). She is no longer sitting with me on the bus when we go places. And I'm a little sad, but I think it's a good sign she is being social. And she seems to be getting past the phase of simply wanting to please me. (But can I be honest and say I'll miss that pleasing phase a bit?) :)

We leave super early in the morning via 3-hour van ride to Hong Kong. We'll fly out to Chicago (flight time approximately 12 hours), and then have a short flight to Birmingham. We get in to the Birmingham airport, and 4:43 pm, and I can hardly wait to walk into our home. I have loved our time in China, but being crammed into a hotel room with three kids is testing my patience. And I'm ready to climb into bed where the sheets don't feel damp.

Pray for us as we journey home. This will be Caroline's second flight of her life, and it's a very long one. And I know she'll be a little overwhelmed when we get home. She is not accustomed to having so much space, and I will have to determine how to balance giving her privacy with ensuring that she engages with the family. Pray that she will be motivated to learn more English. She's become reliant on the translator, and we will have to push her to practice words. I think she's self-conscious.

Pray that she will be grateful for the family she now has. I sense that she likes all her new material belongings and freedom. Actually, she told me the two things she loves most about being in our family is freedom and happiness. (I had asked her this question.) I asked her to clarify what kinds of freedoms. And she said painting her nails and buying more books! I informed her that we would establish some rules when we got home such as a bedtime, etc. She moaned a bit but seemed okay. I guess I'm just nervous that she's happy because she has new clothes and polished nails. She's been asking for more and more things. And she even brought me my mascara this morning and asked me if she could put it on. (I said no.) I don't want her to view me as a genie who can grant all her wishes. I want her to view me as someone who can provide love, comfort, protection, advice, assurance, a shoulder to cry on, lessons on life and faith, and motherly attention. To be perfectly honest, she's been a bit sassy tonight. And a little demanding. (As in charge her iPod. Now.) And I feel a little disenchanted. But this isn't anything I didn't expect. And she and I already communicated last week that we realize each other is not perfect and that we will disappoint each other at times. However, reality isn't always fun. And I share this so you don't think we live in a constant state of Rory & Lorelai bliss. (reference to Gilmore Girls)

Thank you for all the comments and emails. I can't access blogger to respond, so please know that I will when we get home. Your insights, advice, scripture references, and prayers have touched me so deeply. It is comforting to know I am not traveling this road alone. I have the Lord guiding me, but also amazing people who are lifting us up along the way. I am humbled by how many people have invested a few moments of their day to check in on us and our journey. Thank you!!

I'll leave you with a fun little list:

What I'll miss in China:

noodles for breakfast

the language ( I am picking out phrases now!)

great deals on books, clothes, etc

room service and no cleaning dishes

good coffee and tea

the cities and unique cultures

What I won't miss but will remember with a smile:

stares

smells (all kinds!)

chicken feet

being in a hotel room with three kids

squatty potties (I wish I had Carter on video when he first ran up saying "They have potties that go all the way down to the floor!!!!!)

four of us sleeping together in one bed

feeling sticky and sweaty all the time

Next post will be from home. Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!

Dressing Up

2011-07-05T07:00:00.003-05:00

All the families from our agency, Lifeline, who are in China now

Some of the older kids and siblings

I bought a Chinese traditional dress when we bought LiYun's, and she wanted me to wear mine for the group pic. Carter insisted on buying himself an outfit and then wouldn't put it on because he said it was "too hot."

Lil' Miss Grace (who was quite a diva during photos and wouldn't pose)

My beautiful daughter

I don't know if the detail of the dresses show up in this close-up, but they're beautiful. I think I'm going to host a Chinese party just so we can wear them. Ha! :) Who wants to come??

Scott finally got a smile out of Grace by throwing her up in the air.

Doesn't LiYun look so grown up? I seriously miss her pigtails. From the back, the lines of the dress resemble the style worn by Kate's sister in the royal wedding. And LiYun's silouette could definitely rival Pippa Middleton's. (Scott is begging me to delete this line. But it's true! I'm so impressed with LiYun's grace, elegance, and maturity. She carries herself very well. But I'm also mourning the fact that she is not a girl but rather a young woman. I wasn't expecting that.)

Happy 4th!

2011-07-04T08:08:00.009-05:00

The last couple of days have gone really well. LiYun has had a few moments when I thought she seemed sad. But she gets more comfortable with us everyday. Today as the five of us walked to the pool for a swim, I told Scott that it's beginning to feel very normal to have a 12-year-old.

Yesterday, we went to the US Medical Center for the required testing, reviews, and immunizations. LiYun only had to have 2 shots, so we were thankful for that. She didn't flinch at all and even went in to comfort a 13-year-old girl who was so scared of the shots that she began crying.

Okay, wait...that was Saturday. HA! I am totally losing track of which day is which. So yesterday....yesterday we went to Liwan Plaza shopping mall. Our guides, Rebecca and Lily, are awesome. And they have activities planned for each day. So they helped the families shop for traditional Chinese dress, pearls and jade, and other items. Many parents buy pearls for their children for a big occasion such as high school graduation or marriage. When I explained to LiYun that we were buying her a pearl necklace for her wedding day, she said, "Too early???" I laughed and explained that we're saving them for her wedding day...which is YEARS away! (Twenty years away, according to Scott.) I think she thought for a second that she was being whisked away to America for an arranged marriage. :)

Because they string the pearls while you are there, you can customize your jewelry by adding additional beads, black or pink pearls, etc. So LiYun designed necklaces for both herself and for me which tiny pearls and then some aqua beads. They're really pretty!

When we got back from the mall, I noticed LiYun had a small tear in her shorts. I told her I could sew it, but she insisted that she do it herself. She found the sewing kit and stitched up the hole in just minutes. I'm telling you, this girl is resourceful!

LiYun met a 12-year-old whose family is adopting a little girl. And they live in Vestavia. What are the chances of that? The girls may even end up being in school together. Piper was so sweet to LiYun, and I translated that she wanted to be friends. When we got to the mall, LiYun walked up to Piper and took her hand. They walked like this for several minutes...it was so sweet! Unfortunately, they dropped hands right before I snapped this picture.

At the recommendation of many families with adopted older children, we headed to a HUGE bookstore with Lily and her 15-year-old daughter. This bookstore has 6 floors. And my new daughter and I discovered that we share a passion for books. And even more specifically ... classics. My CLS friends, you will love that she grabbed Jane Eyre, Anne of Green Gables, The Little Princess, The Secret Garden, The Little Prince, Little Women, and more!

We bought most of these in bilingual versions that have the English on one page and Chinese on the opposite page. So we can read the books together as she learns our language. She also picked up several Chinese books so she can keep up her Chinese. And then I got some elementary level books that teach cultural fairytales and stories American children learn when young. It's a great way for her to begin learning simple English words too. We even bought some Harry Potter study guides that have Chinese and English so we can read and discuss (as we both have read them all and love them). Before we left, she also picked out two books: one with stories about a mother's love, and one with stories about a father's love. People were staring at us as we carried gigantic piles of books to check out. But LiYun and I were in literary heaven. (We actually have to buy a small suitcase tomorrow in order to get all the books home.)

In addition to classics, she reads all sorts of genres. She even bought a reference-type book in Nanning that gives tips for everything from how to clean to how to help popping ears on an airplane to the best methods for cooking rice. Our guide Lily was impressed that she was reading this and joked that her teenage daughter Angela needed to read it. I told LiYun that when her English gets good, she needs to teach me all the wisdom she learned from this practical book.

Last night, I could tell LiYun was a little down. We asked her if she wanted to call her foster parents, and for the first time, she said yes. So she had a brief conversation with them and then talked to her best friend. And after some rounds of UNO with Scott and me, she was smiling big. I can't remember if I already shared this, but she loves to throw down draw 2, draw 4, or skip for her daddy. And when she does it, she gives him the cutest look!

I have noticed a change in LiYun in the week that she's been with us. At first, when we would say, "I love you" to her, she would respond quickly with an "I love you." But now, when we say it, she says "really?" or "yes?" almost like it is starting to sink in that we do love her. I believe we're getting past the point where she says what she thinks she supposed to say. When we tell her how beautiful she is and how everyone here tells us that she is so stunning and elegant, she acts surprised. She seems like a confident girl, but deep down, I believe she has always struggled with confidence, given her orphan status. And she's shocked that people here think so highly of her . It's sweet to see this change and I love that she's seeking reassurance and confirmation from us, like "Yeah, you really love me?" It's a step in the right direction.

Today, we headed to Shamian Island to shop and play. The island is where we stayed when we came to adopt Grace (White Swan Hotel). The agency now puts all families in the Garden Hotel in the main part of Guangzhou. Being on the island made me miss it though. With statues, tall old trees, beautiful flowers, cobblestone paths, and unique architecture, Shamian Island is so charming. We took some pictures on the Red Couch at the White Swan...this is a tradition for adoptive families.

We purchased a few more souenirs and then let the kids play at the playground behind Lucy's. LiYun ran around playing with Carter and Grace and helped them climb.

I have mentioned before how much attention Carter gets here in China. He is getting just as much attention in Guangzhou as he did in Nanning. Many Chinese carry umbrellas to protect their skin from the sun because pale skin is more beautiful than dark skin in their eyes. I think Carter's pale skin is why he is such a celebrity. That and is curly hair. Anyway, he gets LOTS of attention everywhere we go. I am even picking up the Chinese phrase, "he is so beautiful" when people here say it. ;o) Grace gets a lot of attention too. People here comment on how very coordinated and strong she is for a 2 1/2 year old. Everyone assumes that she is the newly adopted child and that LiYun has been with us longer. But when Grace pipes up and says something in English, they get confused and start asking questions. It is funny to see people's reactions.

While watching an older Chinese boy hang on the monkey bars today, Carter informed me that he wants a 7-year-old brother. I giggled and told Scott (who gave me the eyes and "scolded" me about getting our son to lobby for another adoption). :) I told Carter that I thought he would enjoy a younger brother because he would do a great job taking care of him. Carter replied, "But a big brother would take care of me!" Seeing all the kids here, from ages 1 to 13, I can't help but think that we're not done. To be honest, I fear we'll end up with 7 or 8 kids. That was most definitely never my plan. :) We just need to get home and settle down as a family of 5. But it's pretty funny how many families share that they start having an inkling about another adoption while still in China!!

For now, I'm ready to focus my attention on my sweet kiddos and learn the dynamics of life with such a wide age span. I always love being in China, but I am definitely itching to get home now so the youngest two can get back on a schedule. I am eager to show LiYun her home and city. And I am so anxious to see my family and friends. I miss you all.

It was fun to spot other American families today because most were sporting red, white and blue. I hope you all have a wonderful July 4th! Enjoy some fireworks for us!

Unexpected Conversations...and Ones I Wish We'd Have

2011-07-02T09:29:00.005-05:00

LiYun has initiated some good conversations and shared some interesting tidbits, although we have a long way to go as far as her being open with us. The last couple of days have been full of ups and downs. Yesterday (Friday) was our last day in Nanning before we flew out to Guangzhou for the second portion of the trip. LiYun seemed subdued all day but would force smiles when I glanced at her. I would ask if she was sad, and she would adamantly deny it. But I could tell that so much was going through her mind.

LiYun's best friends

David (our guide) told us that when he had driven LiYun's two friends home the night before, they shared that LiYun was one to be happy all the time and laugh a lot but had some sadness or conflict in her heart. They said that she doesn't cry very much and is very private about what she's really feeling. So as I expected, she has some walls up. I have continually reassured her that it's okay to be sad, it's expected to miss her foster parents, and she won't disappoint me by experiencing those emotions. But I feel like I may smother her or push her away if I tell her these things too many times right now. So I'm praying for other ways to support her and encourage her.

On the way to the airport, I took her hand. For about 15 minutes, she gripped my hand, squeezing it tighter when we'd hit a bump and my hand would naturally move away. But then suddenly, she pulled her hand away quickly and said, "Hot!" I was then left wondering if I should have tried to hold her hand in the first place. Part of the rollercoaster the last couple of days has been my own struggles with doubting myself. I am reminding LiYun to be open and honest with her thoughts. And yet, I confess to feeling disappointed when she remotely reveals the very emotions I'm encouraging her to share. Several moments, I've begun taking her distance personally and have had to fight back the false notions that she is rejecting me as her mother.

Fortunately, LiYun perked up when we got on the plane. This was her first flight, and her giddiness was contagious. As we lifted off, she said once again, "Mommy, I am very very happy." I can definitely tell that today was better, and that we're getting more comfortable with each other and with the sometimes awkward silences. I've been encouraging her to practice her English more, and she's doing a great job! The electronic translator is still giving funny translations, but we're discovering LiYun is also clever and witty. For example, while Carter was throwing a temper tantrum, she wrote something that translated as "Carter calls kill pig same." Translation of translation....Carter's crying fits sound like a pig when he's being slaughtered. Ha! I told her I was thankful that she could bring humor to the situation.

I forgot to mention that LiYun's foster parents were very grateful for the gifts we had brought them. And then they got out parasold and Chinese fans to give the kids. I know they don't have much, so this was such a generous and sweet offering.

Today, someone in our group (there are nine Lifeline agency families here in Guangzhou) asked LiYun about her American name. I reminded her that she could choose whether to be called Caroline or LiYun. And I also added that we could call her LiYun as a nickname if she chose Caroline. Her exact translated response was, "Caroline. When in Rome, do as Romans do." Very clever. And surprising! I assumed she would keep LiYun. I also saw on the first page of the diary notebook she showed me that she had written in "Caroline LiYun Brown." It was a journal we sent a few months ago in a care package, and we had shared her name in the letter. I thought it was so neat that she had written in her new name months ago.

Speaking of names, LiYun discovered today that she has another name: Zhu. We were given a copy of the birthnote that she was found with. To be honest, we were a little disappointed that the birthmother had not written more. The note consisted only of LiYun's birthdate and a Chinese character "zhu." David and the orphanage director that Zhu was LiYun's given name before she was abandoned. I shared the note with LiYun today...she had never seen it before. And she immediately said, "My name is Zhu?" She didn't seem overly affected by the note. I told her it was very special to have a note from her birthmom and that she could talk to me if she ever wanted to discuss her biological parents with anyone.

LiYun before her first flight!

Keeping a diary is one tidbit that LiYun spontaneously shared. She also asked me a question today out of the blue. That question was whether we were going to adopt an orphan again. I told her that Daddy and I talk about it, and that I'd love to come back for a boy. She said she very much wanted us to adopt again, and that she specifically hoped for a brother of the age 11. Put in this crazy conversation I didn't think would happen so soon, I also told her that I hoped to have another baby. She seemed excited by that idea too. But she vocalized her disappointment when I told her that we wouldn't be adopting again for at least two more years.

Some prayer requests:

- Carter has had A LOT of fits. We're talking screaming, crying, hysterical, almost panicky tantrums. We can't always pinpoint what the trigger is. We know that he thrives on routine and predictability. And that is NOT what this trip is. Add on jet lag, strange places and smells, new foods, a new sibling, and all kinds of changes, and you can get one cranky and moody child. But his fits are so often that LiYun wrote, "Why is Carter always angry?" When he's behaving and sweet, he is a doll. He likes for LiYun to hold him or play "monsters." But I think his crazy fits are disconcerting to her as well. I know they are to me!

- Grace and LiYun have both developed colds. Our hotel room in Guangzhou is so humid that the sheets and clothes laying out feel damp. Please pray that God would keep all of us healthy.

- Grace hasn't seemed to experience any sort of stress or anxiety over being in China again. But I can tell she is jealous. I can see that she craves my full attention and resents LiYun for stealing some of it. Please pray that she will warm up to LiYun again and shower her with love and affection.
- Please pray that God would continue to lead me in how to comfort LiYun. I need to know when it's okay to just let her be and when I should step in and hug her or start talking with her.

- Pray for LiYun's heart, that she would be able to process all that's happening and that she would feel at ease talking with me or simply leaning in for hugs when she feels most vulnerable.

Sweet Noelle didn't get into too many pictures because she was behind the camera. She flew out this morning for home, and we miss her already!

Thank you! More details to come tomorrow...My eyes have closed three times while trying to finish up this post.

Our Top Twelves

2011-07-01T19:00:00.001-05:00

Our perspectives so far on adopting LiYun vs. our experience with Grace. This is meant to be both serious and humorous!

Top 12 Reasons It's Easier to (Internationally) Adopt an Older Child:

1. She can dress herself.

2. She is potty trained. :)

3. She can order great Chinese food for us.

4. She can share her background, if willing.

5. She understands that she is being adopted vs being "kidnapped."

6. She goes to sleep without having to be rocked or carried up and down the halls for hours.

7. Hugs and affection carry more meaning.

8. Games like UNO can involve the whole family more than peek-a-boo.

9. She can carry her own luggage.

10. She is grateful for new items and automatically says thank you.

11. She cleans up after herself and folds her own clothes.

12. She has been prepared for the changes and challenges that lie ahead.

Top 12 Reasons It's Harder to (Internationally) Adopt an Older Child:

1. Language Barrier

2. Awkward silences

3. She has to choose us too. She has the option to say no.

4. She reads books that we have no clue about.

5. I can't sneak a peak at her journal because it's written in Chinese anyway.

6. I can't check up on her social network site (QQ) because it's all in Mandarin.

7. She is already asking about meeting a boyfriend in America!

8. She stays up later than me (that will change when home) and I can't rock her to sleep.

9. Sharing our Christian faith with her will be more challenging because she probably already has some rooted beliefs.

10. She has long-held expectations and dreams for being in a family, and not all will be met or realized.

11. She already asks for money. :)

12. She knows what she is leaving behind. And unlike a baby, she may not cry to communicate her heartache or needs.

Miscellaneous Pictures from Nanning

2011-07-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

Hellos and Goodbyes

2011-06-30T11:23:00.008-05:00

**Warning....very long post!

Yesterday morning (Wednesday) started off with a call from our guide that we would have to postpone our orphanage visit due to the rain. In other words, the new director doesn't like families to visit the social welfare institute at all. So we had a free morning to play in the hotel and do some more crafts. LiYun took a nap along with Carter and Grace. And then it was time to visit LiYun's foster family.

We loved meeting her foster parents and her foster brother's wife (the brother had left to go back to the city he now works in). They were very warm and offered us tea and fresh fruit. You'll see in the pictures Carter's toothpick and pineapple creation, the family, and LiYun's room. Her room was the width of the twin mattress with about 3 feet from the end of it where you could stand or sit on a stool. But small as it was, I loved being able to see where she has slept for years and spent her time.

LiYun's room at foster family home

We were able to ask the parents questions through David, and we learned a good bit about our daughter. We discovered she has always been very sensitive about not having parents, and she has also been jealous of other girls from school having more than she did. So it made much more sense to us that she had asked if we could help her buy small gifts for her two best friends. Giving them gifts means that she now has a family...she has means to offer presents to them.

We were also told a story about LiYun when she was around 8 or 9 years old. A neighbor asked her where she was from. She replied that she didn't know. He asked her who her parents were, and she said she didn't know and that she was an orphan. After asking her several times, she said, "You have asked me this three times in one week. What is the significance of this?" And from that point on, she began working very hard in school to prove that she could succeed despite being an orphan.

LiYun was very tickled by the discovery that her new parents are younger than her foster brother (Scott is one year younger than him). LiYun's foster mom told her that because I am younger, there is not as big of a generation gap between us and that maybe she could communicate more with me.

The foster parents have done a wonderful job of raising LiYun. One of the risks of adopting older kids is that their values and personality are already molded when you become their parents. We are amazed by LiYun's manners, maturity, and sweet spirit. She always carries the groceries or bags for me. She takes the kids to wash their hands or get dressed. She expresses gratitude for everything we give her. And she even told David to tell us that she is a "traditional girl." Meaning that she isn't into being wild and crazy. That was certainly good to hear!

On the way to visit the family, we talked about inviting the parents to dinner, and David said he would make a reservation at a nice restaurant. Knowing that we would be footing the bill, LiYun told David "Only if it's okay with Mommy and Daddy, and no place too expensive."

After our visit at the apartment, we all got into the van to head to dinner. LiYun and I were the first ones to climb in. And before anyone else got in, she turned to me and asked, "Are you happy?" I am not sure whether she was wondering if I was happy with her, or with her foster parents, or what. But she seemed to need reassurance. Several minutes later, she said, "Mommy, I am very happy."

I was surprised that LiYun was not more emotional when we parted with her foster family outside the restaurant. David said that she cried a bit on Monday and that she had already told them all she wanted to say on that day. I was also surprised that she stayed closer to me during the whole afternoon and evening. I guess I expected her to want to stick close to her foster parents. They were certainly shaken up by the reality of losing the girl they've raised for the last 7 years. Scott later told me that on the way to dinner, both the dad and mom wiped a few tears away.

Scott and me with LiYun's foster parents

This morning, we had a quick visit at the Nanning Social Welfare Institute where LiYun spent 3 years before foster care. She had the chance to say goodbye to a few friends who are still there. Her foster parents showed up to visit, wanting to see all of us one last time. LiYun seemed a little shocked to see them again. I asked her tonight if she thought we were leaving her when she saw them there at the SWI. She said no. And on the electronic translator, she wrote, "I will never leave you. I will not run away. Therefore, I invite you to rest assured."

I have told her over and over again that it's okay to be sad with all the big changes. And she repeatedly assures me that she is not sad. David warned me that she might be "performing" for us, fearing that if she shows sadness, we will not keep her. This may very well be true. But I also think she is so focused on moving forward and having a family that she isn't grasping the magnitude of what's happening. I think she may end up grieving more in a few weeks or months. However, I also think the foster parents did a good job of preparing her.

On the way back to the hotel from the SWI, we stopped by her finding place to snap a few photos. Since it was raining, only David and Noelle got out to take the pictures. David said he had not told her what we were doing and that we could tell her about her finding place when the right time came. However, as we were waiting in the van, she got out the electronic translator and this is what the translated messages said.... "This transport center where I was discarded?" My heart stopped when I read those words. I showed it to David as he got back in the van, and he was astounded that she had put it all together. LiYun is a very observant and perceptive girl. I was glad she asked though because we were able to have a brief but good discussion. I told her how much her parents loved her to leave her in a place where she could quickly be found and have access to opportunities for a better life. I asked her if she remembers anything about that day (she was 22 months old), and she doesn't.

LiYun's finding spot

This afternoon and evening, LiYun spent time with her two best friends from her school. They came back to our hotel to watch a movie and play. It was so neat to see LiYun laughing and being silly with the girls. She seemed so confident while in her element. And she was clearly proud to present the gifts and show them her new belongings (not to mention, her new brother and sister). They also ate through ALL of our snacks. :)

Scott and I were faced with our first "big" tween-parenting decision when they asked us (through David) if they could go window shopping in the adjoining mall by themselves. We had no idea what the mothers allow their kids to do. With the input of David, we ended up letting them go on their own for an hour. We gave her a small amount of money. And they came back with lollipops for Carter and Grace. :) The two friends were very sweet and had even called David on his cell phone over the last few days to make sure LiYun was doing okay. (She had called them from our hotel room, but I guess they wanted to be sure she wasn't just pretending to be okay.)

I have to admit that by 8:00 pm, I was ready to have my girl back. I loved that she was able to hang out with her friends one last time before we leave, but I also sensed the "I have to be cool in front of my friends" attitude. She was still very respectful but I just missed having her to myself. I realized how much I enjoy her company. The girls were getting pretty rowdy about this time, and it was getting late. So David took them home, and LiYun played UNO with Scott, Noelle and me. She seemed down at first, but she told me that saying goodbye to them was good because she was "departing for something better."

I have felt pretty emotional today. I got choked up saying goodbye to the foster parents this morning. And I just watched LiYun walk around the hotel room taking pictures so that she will remember it. I feel like we've just gotten over jet lag and got settled with our new daughter in this hotel room, and now we have to pack up and fly out tomorrow to Guangzhou (which will be LiYun's first flight). I am emotional about taking LiYun from her friends, family, and the city that has been home to her for 12 years. And I am surprised at the depth of love I already feel for this girl. I didn't think I would love her so much so soon. She has certainly made it easy because she communicates a lot with me. She is polite, helpful, affectionate, and considerate. There is so much more to learn about her, but I am anxious to discover the good, the bad, and everything in between.

She wore her hair down today (like I wore mine last night) and
didn't pin back her bangs...she looks so grown up to me!

I apologize for such a long and rambling post. I am so tired that my sentences may not even make sense. I feel like I am leaving out so many details, but I will include them tomorrow if they come to mind. Thank you for your continued prayers and encouraging words. We are humbled beyond belief by your comments. It is a joy to travel this road with you.

Much love,

Kelley

Elation & Exhaustion

2011-06-29T15:00:00.000-05:00

I am so tired, so I apologize for the brevity of this post. I promise to include a full update tomorrow. I want to be able to do justice to the significance of the events today. But in the meantime, here are a few pictures from this morning.

It was interesting that LiYun put her hair half up today, the way I've been wearing mine. I have never seen her hair different than the pigtails...from pictures dating back several years, she always had that same hairstyle. She looked so grown up today that I almost wanted her to put her hair back up in pigtails!

The visit with the foster family went very well. I will include more details tomorrow, but LiYun told me after parting with them, "Mommy, I am very happy."

Naptime

2011-06-29T01:05:00.001-05:00

Settling In

2011-06-28T07:16:00.004-05:00

I have to admit, when I woke up this morning I thought LiYun might have changed her mind about being adopted by us. After some challenges in translations last night and then feeling her toss and turn in bed, I feared she might be doubting her decision. But when we met up with David, she told him she was very happy. (Although she did admit to not sleeping well.) The rest of the day kept getting better with each hour.

While at the office to do the interviews and paperwork to legalize the adoption, Carter and Grace stayed with their Aunt Noelle in another room. When we got back, Carter had out his "briefcase" and said he was doing paperwork so he could become LiYun's new brother. I am always amazed by the concepts that Carter understands at the age of 3.

Tomorrow, we will visit the orphanage where LiYun lived from ages 2-5, prior to foster care. We asked through David if she had any good memories there, and she said "not really." But she is looking forward to seeing a few of her friends still living there. While in foster care, she had to make monthly visits so she befriended the girls during those times. We are bringing candy for them, upon her request. And we are also donating a basic digital camera, as that was an item the orphanage director said they needed. I do like the idea that a new camera will provide nice photos of the children that will be treasured by adoptive parents. We inquired whether we could get any baby pictures of LiYun (from the age 2, when she was brought to the orphanage), and they said they would try to find some. Please pray that they will follow through with this. I would hate for LiYun to not have any physical representation of her life before the age of 5.

Speaking of pictures, she asked us if we received the pictures of her birthday that her foster brother had sent to us via email. We never received them. I know God is over all the details, so I'm not too upset. But it would have been amazing to get those pictures back in November and have an email address to contact her throughout the wait.

We had another great lunch with the help of David and LiYun ordering for us all. Then our guide left us for the rest of the day and we all went back to the hotel to rest. The afternoon seemed like a turning point for LiYun and me. We played UNO with Scott and Noelle. We did crafts with the kids. And she and I had an hour long conversation on google translate. I learned that she enjoys badminton and in-line skating. And she would love to learn taekwando and to play the piano. (Her expression was priceless when I informed her we have a piano at home.) After dinner of Pizza Hut pizza (her request), she and the kids went swimming in the indoor pool. From her expressions, she seems even more joyful than yesterday. I do worry, however, that she may be disappointed when we resort back to the daily grind of life. :)

One of her friends is coming to play with her on Thursday morning, so we look forward to being able to glimpse a part of her life and history here in Nanning.

Just a few sidenotes... when Scott brought back the pizza, we discovered they had included several pairs of plastic gloves! I guess they think such a greasy mess should be handled with care.

And while doing crafts, LiYun used glitter glue to decorate a sign that says "I love you -LiYun" and presented it to me. While I know she doesn't really love me yet, and she may even think it's just what I want to hear, I was touched that she would even feel comfortable expressing a sentiment like that. And when she calls out to us, she says "Mommy" and "Daddy"... I still do a double take hearing that in a voice that isn't coming from a toddler.

To be real, it hasn't been all fun and games. Carter had a MAJOR meltdown earlier because Scott went to get the pizza without him. And I later heard LiYun imitating it to her friend on the phone! :) He and Grace have both pulled away from LiYun at times, and I had to explain to her that they're into being independent...they're not rejecting her. There have been moments when I have had to set expectations or limits and I fear crushing her spirit. And there have even been a few moments when I've missed life with just the four of us. But I think that's because there's not yet the intimacy of knowing LiYun as well as a mother would know her 12-year-old after raising her for her whole life. I know that intimacy and normalcy will come in time. What I can honestly say is that she seems to fit into our family. And I would have never dared ask that she be as brave, patient, mature, understanding, and loving as she has been in the last 30 hours. Wow...has it really only been one day?

Oh, and one more sidenote....I forgot to mention yesterday that Noelle and Stuart missed being together for their one-year wedding anniversary so that she could come with us!! So we are so thankful to them both for allowing her to join us on this journey. She has been helpful in so many ways. I will be so sad when she flies home on Saturday. (And thank goodness LiYun is so hands-on with the kids...I feel more confident about surviving the rest of the trip without Noelle's help!)

Love to you all.