Please understand, these fears are not completely unfounded. Yesterday, a family on the China adoption community online forum shared their news that their son has been moved to a hospital. In just days, he went from running to walking to limping to barely holding his head up. The orphanage has notified this family that he will have a major surgery to help this unexpected spinal condition, but the outlook at this point isn't great. And while the boy has another special need, this spinal issue appeared out of the blue. Of course, this is an exception and not the norm. I know that.
The biggest source of my fear, I believe, is the mindset that has been programmed by my experiences. Four times, we've had a child on the way...and then we lost him or her. That's what I've become used to. What I expect. While I consciously predict that everything will be fine, the fear sneaks up on me without me realizing it. And before I know it, my heart is racing and I am filled with dread. The fear pops up in my dreams or in quiet moments of reflection. Sometimes it even takes me a while to recognize the icky feeling that's come over me.
Why I am blogging about this? Well, I guess I hope that declaring my fear publicly will cause it to lose power over me. Facing the enemy head-on often weakens the battle. But I also have to keep pressing on to truly trust God. Not trust Him that nothing will happen. But trust Him even if something does.
I covet your prayers as I try to surrender each moment of fear to our sovereign and loving Lord.
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11 comments:
Unfortunately, I remember that fear well....and how powerful and consuming it can be. Please know that I am praying for you and that "God would keep you in perfect peace when your mind is stayed on Him"(Is 26:3).
Sweet Kelley,
Please know that you will definitely be in my prayers and thoughts in the coming months. Fear can paralyze you, especially when it deals with losing ones so precious to us. I can't wait for Virgina Grace to be in your arms forever, and I will pray that she is w/ you sooner rather than later.
Truth be told, I am feeling the fear too right now. So close to holding a baby girl/boy, but fearful it will all still be taken away. Our experiences will always be apart of us, but I pray they don't define us or our outlook on how powerful the Lord is today, forever and always.
Hey Kelly its Heather.. I have been keeping up with you guys on the blog and am so excited that you guys will be having a little girl as well. I know that has to be hard to not worry and completly trust that Lord especially like you said with past experience but He will take care of everything and I just wanted to let you know that we will be praying for yall thru the rest of your journey to Virgina Grace!
I always read your blog in my google reader, so I rarely see your actual blog unless I click over to comment.
I don't know when you changed out the design, but I absolutely LOVE it. So beautiful!
Continuous prayers for your sweet family, Virginia Grace, and you!
Blessings
Praying for you friend. LOVE YOU.
Praying for you Kelley!
i dont blame you at all for the fear. you have suffered great losses in the past and the devil know how to prey on our weaknesses. i will pray that God shows Himself clearly in your every day activities and that you will remember how victorious God is over all evil and fear.
Your are in my prayers. I know how tough this journey is emotionally, but you have never been out of God's arms. He is with you and your child always.
Blessings,
Amy
(I just found you from Andrea's blog. I look forward to following your journey)
I just wanted you to know I nominated you for an award too!
You wouldn't be a mother if you didn't know worry or anxiety! Keep casting your fears on Him and loving that sweet little girl with all your heart. She is already so blessed because of your love and prayers! Know of ours as well...
Precious Kelly, my heart goes out to you right now! I can't imagine how that must've been to go through 4 times! No wonder you are scared!
Fear has been an issue I have struggled with for YEARS. Since I was a teenager I have been CONVINCED I would be widowed at an early age (ridiculous I know). Many horrific details to go with that...but it was at a point this year that I was TERRIFIED for Rusty to leave the house - imagining the worst case scenario EVERY time!
I have found FREEDOM from that though, through PRAYER & counseling from dear friends. I KNOW that the truth is these are all LIES from the devil! He is our enemy, always looking for ways to devour us. I completely understand what you mean about those feeling 'sneaking up'. Now when that happens I pray out loud to silence the lies in Jesus' name, and I turn to Phil 4:8. I do not let myself think through the horrible 'what ifs', because then the enemy wins the battle for my mind! Instead I think of all my blessings... all things BEAUTIFUL, TRUE, LOVELY... etc...
LOVE YOU and will be praying for you! I can't wait until that beautiful little girl is in your arms!
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