Confession of Fear

Over the last few weeks, I've felt fear taking hold of me. It actually first appeared a couple of months ago, but it seems to be growing stronger every day.  My fear is that Virginia Grace will never make it into our arms.  I've had nightmares about her foster mother kidnapping her because she doesn't want to give her up. I've worried about some random tragic accident or health crisis taking our little girl's life. I've had thoughts of a bad diagnosis or financial crisis canceling approval to bring her home. 

Please understand, these fears are not completely unfounded.  Yesterday, a family on the China adoption community online forum shared their news that their son has been moved to a hospital.  In just days, he went from running to walking to limping to barely holding his head up.  The orphanage has notified this family that he will have a major surgery to help this unexpected spinal condition, but the outlook at this point isn't great.  And while the boy has another special need, this spinal issue appeared out of the blue.  Of course, this is an exception and not the norm. I know that. 

The biggest source of my fear, I believe, is the mindset that has been programmed by my experiences. Four times, we've had a child on the way...and then we lost him or her.  That's what I've become used to. What I expect. While I consciously predict that everything will be fine, the fear sneaks up on me without me realizing it.  And before I know it, my heart is racing and I am filled with dread. The fear pops up in my dreams or in quiet moments of reflection.  Sometimes it even takes me a while to recognize the icky feeling that's come over me. 

Why I am blogging about this? Well, I guess I hope that declaring my fear publicly will cause it to lose power over me.  Facing the enemy head-on often weakens the battle. But I also have to keep pressing on to truly trust God. Not trust Him that nothing will happen. But trust Him even if something does. 

I covet your prayers as I try to surrender each moment of fear to our sovereign and loving Lord.