Caroline LiYun's Adoption Video

It's done!! Here is the link to Vimeo if you want to watch the video on a larger scale.

You can also click on the 4 arrows button above to take the video fullscreen. However, it gets fuzzy since I didn't upload it in HD.

It Takes a Village

As an adoptive mother of two special needs children from China, I sometimes feel guilty that our kids' needs are now essentially non-existent. We went into both adoptions prepared to face the potential worst-case scenario. And we came out with our expectations blown out of the water. I still harbor hopes of going back for a little boy in the future, and I find I'm continually drawn to boys with more significant special needs. Maybe God is preparing my heart for that journey.

What I know is that there are incredible, and I mean INCREDIBLE, mothers and fathers in this world who choose to adopt children with severe needs. Needs that often require daily help, therapies, and even lifetime special care. Needs that prevent children from ever living independently or experiencing life in ways that we would deem "full." In reality, many special needs kids are more satisfied and content than we can ever hope to be. They don't let their challenges hold them back.

In reality, the true heroes are the caregivers who, day in and day out, provide, nurture, and manage physical needs as well as emotional, behavioral, and social challenges. Whether it's a mom raising an autistic child, a spouse caring for a paralytic, an adult providing for an aging parent, or a friend assisting a cancer-consumed individual, caregivers can feel exhausted, isolated, and helpless.

If you're in this boat or know someone who is, read on to learn about Caregiver Village. Also, by joining, you can select one of Caregiver Village's selected organizations to receive $1!! What a great way to make a big difference for caregivers and the recipients.

Here's a description from their site:

You can also read more here.

Family caregivers are exhausted, stressed to the point of illness and frustrated by their isolation.Caregiver Village’s virtual village creates a close knit community where caregivers can discover a sense of deep personal satisfaction – and escape – from the hard, intense work of family caregiving; while simultaneously learning how to handle their stress and building online connections with people in exactly the same situation as them.

Caregiver Village members connect with friends, participate in book clubs with celebrity authors, journal, play mystery games, solve puzzles, and learn valuable information about caregiving.

Get involved and join now!

A Must Read!

A friend sent me a link to this blog post by an adoptive mother who is also a gifted author and speaker. The post is called "After the Airport." And if you're pondering adoption or preparing for your journey, you must read. However, it also speaks to women in all different types of challenging, devastating, or difficult situations.

We have been very blessed that both of our adopted daughters have had minor adoptive issues relative to what you can potentially deal with. Some children come home with reactive attachment disorder, some have sensory issues, some hardly know how to receive love at all without simultaneously pushing their new parents away. The best statement Jen Hatmaker writes in this post is you can't adopt just to adopt. You have to adopt knowing that you'll have a big parenting job to fulfill. Many adopted kids need to be psychologically reprogrammed, if you'll allow me to describe it that way. The glory of the "Gotcha Day" videos and the pictures of homecomings at airports often bring you chills, tears, and smiles of wonder and joy. But once the excitement dies down, challenges continue. And some days are really, really hard. After a year and a half, we still face some of Grace's abandonment fears! Jen writes of reality of adoption so well in this post. I am grateful she shared her heart.

Day by Day

The last few days have shown progress in bonding and promises of a beautiful mother-daughter relationship in bloom. Four memories stick out in my mind:

- Grace and Caroline were sitting side by side on the kitchen stools. I stood in the center, wrapped my arms around them, and kissed them each on the forehead. In a spontaneous act, Caroline reached up and kissed me on the cheek. This is the first time she has ever kissed me or spontaneously initiated affection!

- I dropped Caroline off at church where an older Chinese woman is discipling her each week. I watched from the car as she walked in, and she looked back at me no less than 6 times! There seemed to be such comfort in the fact that I was there watching over her rather than just dropping her off and driving away.

- Caroline and Scott were sitting down on the couch to watch the movie "Annie." (She saw the littles watching it earlier and was interested in it.) I was exhausted and announced that I was heading to bed. Her response was, "Awwww." Scott's eyes widened and he gave me a big thumbs up. Disappointed that I wasn't hanging out with her?? This was new! :)

- Beginning the first week we arrived home, Caroline asked continually to get her ears pierced. We didn't want to give her too much right off the bat, so we told her she could get her ears pierced when she finished all the levels of the Rosetta Stone English program. So last night, we celebrated her milestone with this:

And as we walked around the mall afterwards as a family, she had a beautiful smile and a look of pure joy. I don't think it was just because of her new earrings. I think she realized that we keep our promises. That I hold her hand when it hurts. That Scott and I are just as giddy when she is happy, and that a Friday night at the mall with her family is fun because we all enjoy being together.

In a post last week, I mentioned our realization of Caroline's lack of cause and effect knowledge. While this is common in adopted kids, I somehow didn't anticipate dealing with this issue. Shame on me! I have to admit that this problem has begun to annoy/scare/frustrate me because occurrences happen on a daily basis and I have no idea how to prevent them. It can be something as silly (and gross) as Caroline picking up a can of carbonated milk (a Chinese drink) from the day before, and taking a swig of it. (She had left it in the car and, you would think, would realize the milk had soured. The littles even recognize when their sippy cups have old juice/milk in them and will not take a sip.)

Or it can be as potentially dangerous as what happened on the soccer field Thursday night. Carter had his first soccer practice. The field was FULL of kids, parents, and coaches, as the league has tons of teams sharing the area. Scott gave one of the soccer balls a gentle kick to head it back in the direction of Carter's team. Caroline said, "No daddy!" And then proceeded to kick the ball with full force. Let me remind you that were in a field FULL of people. The ball went flying and nailed the leg of a dad! The dad was very understanding, and we were thankful the ball hit him and not the head or body part of a 3-year-old. But we were mortified!

In one other instance, the littles were swimming in our inflatable pool outside. Caroline ran up behind Grace, scooped her up, and threw her into the pool! Grace landed on her back and head on the hard bottom! She could have been seriously injured, and she was scared to death!

So you see, the issue is never that Caroline is trying to cause trouble or be mean. All of her actions are out of a quest for fun or simply out of ignorance. She has a really bad habit of just darting out in to parking lots after exiting the van. She doesn't think through the consequences, some of which should just be common sense, and thus many of the situations have been potentially dangerous. I am not sure how to correct this behavior because what I certainly don't want to do is discourage her from playing with the kids, touching anything, or having any fun. But I have no idea how to stay one step ahead of her. I am looking through my adoption books and have posted my concern to an adoption yahoo group I'm a member of. But I welcome suggestions and insight from anyone - adoptive parents or not. I'll also do a follow-up post with the information I find. Parents soon to adopt older kids....just keep in mind that this can be an issue.

Some of the best advice I received this week came from Caroline's pediatrician (Dr. Amy McCollum) who is also a college classmate of Scott's. She and her family adopted a little boy from Africa a couple of years ago, so she is familiar with adoptive issues. This is what she wrote to me in an email yesterday, and it spoke to my heart:

"I know you are already doing this, but just taking it day by day is probably the best approach. Being loving, consistent, and present every day, praising her when you see little blips of the character traits you are hoping she will embody as she grows into a young lady - these are the same things any parent can do to guide their "tweens".

Trust God's choice for her as your daughter and you as her mother - I know you already do this, but there might be days you have to choose this willingly."

I've been so focused on the "end" result, and what milestones that I need to help Caroline reach, that I've become discouraged or overwhelmed at times. The concept of taking it day by day right now is so simple and wise. So that's my new motto: "day by day."

And there she was...

Let me begin by offering my deepest apologies for totally leaving you hangin'. I know I don't have any excuses. But here are the activities that have kept us buzzing about.

Caroline is still loving school, but we've spent many hours on homework since I have to translate so much for her. Her English continues to improve, but we still have a long way to go. I won't lie...I do get discouraged some days when we can't communicate and the translator can't quite convey our meanings. I long to have a conversation with her in which we can maintain eye contact, read each other's tone, and express moods through facial expressions.

I was grateful to have my mom come in town for a week to help with the kids, and especially to work her magic in my yard. She has a much-coveted green thumb, while mine must possess poison. I manage to destroy everything I touch. She helped me weed, prune, trim, plant and spread stones, pebbles, and pine straw. Thank you Mom! (And thanks Dad for flying her down!)
Carter and Grace begin school on Wednesday, and I do believe we are the last preschool in town to start. Carter begs to go to school EVERY day. He is so excited that the big day is drawing near at last. He'll attend school 3 days, and Grace will go 2 days a week. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to having some free hours to myself throughout the week! We can finally get into a routine, and I can finally get organized.

I truly have felt like I'm living in survival mode the last couple of months. It's an understandable place to be at first when a new child is added into the family. But people eventually start to think you're flaky when you take days (and sometimes weeks) to respond to emails and phone calls. And forget birthdays and birthday parties (that are marked on your calendar). And use words or phrases that make no sense. Or better yet, when you just break off in mid-sentence because you can't remember what you were going to say. My friends and family (and sweet blog readers) have been very patient with me. Xie Xie!! (Thank you.)

I have at least organized my list of projects and activities to enjoy during my spare time. Because I'm never too busy to make a list. In no particular order, here are my foci: (or "focuses," as I first typed and then stared at with confusion)

1. Get back to exercising 3x/week like I did pre-China trip...I had so much more energy!

2. More time reading my beloved books

3. Write more

4. Blog regularly

5. Be more intentional about learning Mandarin (taking lessons and doing Rosetta Stone)

6. Work on photography skills

7. Spend at least one day a week in deeper Bible study (using commentaries and all the amazing resources that I insisted on purchasing after seminary but have neglected since becoming a mom)

These things might make me sound overly ambitious, but they are not busywork. These pursuits bring me joy. And I'm giddy just thinking about it all!

In addition to my ongoing activities, here are my short-term projects:

1. Caroline's Gotcha Day video

2. Blog redesign (we're talking major overhaul)

3. Print all pics from China and organize into photo albums

Grace and Caroline are doing so well together now. They still get sassy with each other, but that's what sisters do. They have little games they play together. And Caroline's favorite way to play with her siblings is to sit on the back of the tricycle and pedal with her sister or brother sitting in front.

Exhibit A:
You might notice the scrapes on Caroline's leg. Two weeks ago, she had a little bike accident. And it wasn't on this bicycle.
She was playing outside with her cousin and decided to try out MK's bike while MK was getting more basketballs. Mary Katherine walked out of the garaged to see Caroline flying down the driveway. I don't think she had ever ridden a bike before, and she crashed into the fence. She had scrapes and gashes all up the left side of her body, and even on her right arm. She never cried, and even had a hard time letting me comfort and pamper her that evening. I finally translated that I just wanted to be her mommy and to comfort her but that she was pushing me away. I told her I was there to help her. She softened after that, but she still remained pretty stoic and independent all week with the exception of allowing Scott and I to help bandage her wounds.

One thing we've learned about Caroline (and had read in cases of other adopted children) is that she doesn't have a sense of danger or caution. She even gets too rough when playing with the kids because she doesn't seem to know how to control her energy. She doesn't understand linear thinking or consequences. For example, last night she was lying in her grandfather's hammock. She kept swinging it, and I warned her it would flip. She said (with a little bit of annoyance) that she was being careful. A few seconds later, after some efforts to swing higher, the hammock flipped and dumped her onto the ground. I could tell she was embarrassed. We know that we really have to monitor her more closely. In time, I suppose those instincts and perception of risks will kick in. (Insight from some experienced parents of older adopted kids??)

Over the last few weeks, Caroline and I have had some very difficult days. Realistic expectations prepare the mind, but nothing prepares your heart for the moments of rejection, mistrust, and hurtful comments. I've shed some tears and even wanted to throw her backpack at her one morning when I dropped her off at school. But I'll say that I have not once wavered in our decision to adopt an older child. I have not once thought we made a mistake or questioned God about His plan for our family. Sometimes my heart wells up with love for my new daughter. Even following moments of discord when I should feel anything but the warm and fuzzies. That's been proof enough to me that the Holy Spirit is working in my heart and supplying all my needs.

I know that much of her behavior is normal for a tween. But when you don't already have a foundation of trust, a history of intimacy, a knowledge of personality and character, a treasure of fond memories from childhood, it's challenging as a mother to discern the root of the behavior. We're still getting to know our daughter, and it's like asking, "Will the real Caroline LiYun please stand up?" Mothers and daughters typically have a strong bond before the hormones and mood swings ever hit.

Several weeks ago, Caroline opened up to me about her life in China. For three hours, she typed on google translate and shared stories and truths with me, some which were difficult to digest. Contrary to my assumptions, she did not have a happy family life in her foster home. Her honesty allowed me insight into her perception of parents and her lack of experience in a true mother-daughter relationship. It helped me to see why she is so independent and finds it strange that I want to help. She also shared that she had never been told "I love you" before we spoke those life-giving words to her. In her 12 years of life, she had not once been told that she was loved. Or treasured. Or wanted. She explained that it is because of her background that she has to "consider so much." And why she finds it hard to trust others. You expect as much from orphans, but the hard realities are mind-boggling and devastating when you are face-to-face, looking into the eyes of the affected child. Will you join me in praying that Caroline will soon trust Jesus as her Lord and Savior and that He will perform a miraculous work of restoration and healing in the depths of Caroline's heart and the dark corners of her psyche?

In addition to at least trusting me enough to open up, some sweet and positive signs of bonding have been Caroline's new routine of seeking me out (if I'm not in the family room) to hug me goodnight and turning back to smile at me as she walks into school.

Carter and Grace have always been best buds. But lately, they've been really sweet together. They pretend to head to school or work, and they set up offices on different sides of the room. And then the conversations go like this:

Carter: Bye Grace! I'm going to work! See you later!

Grace: Bye GuhGuh! I love you! Have a good day! (blows a kiss)

Carter: Okay!! I will miss you!

A few minutes later...

Grace: I'm coming home now!

Carter: Me too! Hey Grace. I really missed you today (hugging his sister).

Grace: I missed you too! Okay, time to go to work again!

And once again, I've rambled. That's what happens when I cram three weeks worth of updates into one post. To conclude, I want to share one last story. It is a year ago today that I saw Caroline's face for the first time!

You can read the full story and timeline here. I am still in awe at how everything unfolded. I remember opening the advocacy email from my agency and immediately being taken with an 11-year-old girl, having just told my close friend that I wanted to adopt a child that age (years down the road, of course!). All weekend, I stared at her picture and description with this strange feeling that she was mine. Having only been home with Grace for four months, everyone laughed, scoffed, or simply humored my declaration that we would adopt her. But nothing could stop God's incredible plan for our family. Not even my own doubts and fears. And now I am staring at this beautiful girl across the room in our home!!

I just ran over to Caroline after typing the last paragraph to tell her about the importance of today. She gave me the sweetest smile I've seen in a while. Just maybe she'll fall asleep tonight feeling special, desired, and loved. A precious moment to celebrate, dear friends!! :)

Happy Labor Day weekend!!

Many Firsts

What a crazy week it has been! First of all, I loved reading all the responses about Caroline's dream. Of course, we'll never fully know the meaning. But my foremost thought is that God was saying, "It doesn't matter how short or tall you are.... as long as you grow up always facing the sun/Son." Regardless of the meaning, it was so encouraging to see Caroline so excited and intrigued by God. She didn't care as much about what He said as she did about having a dream about Him. He is working!

Since my last post, there have been lots of "firsts" in our family. Last weekend while at Lake Martin, Carter transformed from a fearful boy who could barely stick his face in the water to a brave and adventurous swimmer who leaped off the dock (with a life jacket, of course) and swam around to the ladder as if he'd been swimming for months! It was unbelievable to watch. I think all the instructions and instincts just finally clicked together, and he realized he could control himself in the water.

Carter and cousin Tripp

Another first was the meeting of Caroline and some family from Mobile and Fairhope.

Lily (who is also 12) and Caroline hit it off and especially bonded over jumping off the upper deck ledge! It was really cute to watch them hold hands, take deep breaths, prepare to jump, and then giggle when neither of them took the plunge. We'd have to count to ten several times before they'd actually jump.

Carter and Grace continue to idolize their big sister. The two girls still have daily spats, but I guess that's what you get with sisters.

Part of the issue has been that Grace has become extremely clingy with me and will yell at Caroline if she tries to help her when Grace only wants me. Then Caroline gets made and begins antagonizing her. I know that Grace is feeling insecure and jealous, and many of her abandoment issues come from her subconscious (thus awaking her numerous times each night). And I know that giving her affection and love is what she needs more than discipline (although there has to be balance.) But it's hard not to just get mad and want to lock her in her room for an hour. (Which is what you're told NOT to do with an adopted child!) I have to pray hourly for patience!! At the same time, Grace can be such a cutie. Lately, she's been standing on the fireplace to perform, saying "Ladies and GIRRRLLLLSS!!!!!" with a sweeping arm gesture. Then she'll lean forward and whisper, "Clap your hands."

Grace and Cece listening to Justin Beiber on Caroline's iPod

Speaking of entertainment, Carter caught a TV clip of JP proposing to Bachelorette Ashley. When he asked what was happening, I said they were going to get married. (I guess we'll see. LOL) Anyway, he ran to get dressed "just like that guy on TV." And he informed me that he was going to get married. When I asked who the lucky bride was, he said, "Mommy!" I was delighted! He put on his "suit" and ran outside to get a flower to put on his lapel. No roses in the backyard, but a pink snapdragon worked just fine.

Oh the details he picks up on! I melted when he took my hand, smiled intently up at me, and walked us forward singing, "Duhhh duh-duh dah!!" He later referred to me as his "married girl."

Caroline had her first day of homeschooling last Thursday. She had expressed interest in staying home with me for a couple of months, and we were going to focus mostly on her learning English. I worked out lesson plans until November, when we planned for her to begin 5th grade.

Just an FYI to all of you parents who are using Google Translate...it's not as accurate as I thought! I had translated a few chapters from The Jesus Storybook Bible and then thought I should translate the translation to make sure it was correct. Well, let me advise you to leave out any type of metaphor or analogy. One sentence translated back as "God is a kitten who chases her tail." The original statement was that you can learn about God in the way a kitten chases her tail. (I know.... you need the context of the chapter to understand.) I had also typed out a brief version of my testimony. I had written that I understood my life had not been as difficult as hers but that I had experienced pain and loss as well as redemption and restoration through God. I was horrified to see that my sentence was translated back as "My life has not been bad because your life has been." OH MY GOODNESS!!! Totally not what I said! So to make a long story short, I had to keep reworking the English sentences, translating them, copying and pasting the Chinese into the translator, and then seeing how it translated back to English. It was a long process.

While I enjoyed teaching Caroline on Thursday, she had decided just days before that she actually wanted to go to school. But we were worried about her just sitting in class all day and not understanding anything or having any way to communicate with her teacher. Well, Thursday morning, the ESL teacher called and gave us some information (that would have been helpful weeks ago). They proposed giving Caroline an iPad to have at her desk so she could use Google Translate. They had also placed another Chinese student in her class who already knows some English. And on top of that, they placed some other kids from the summer ESL camp so that Caroline would have some familiar faces. So, we went up to the school and let her peek in her class and look around. It was an amazing blessing that a girl she had met recently and clicked with was also in her class! So Friday morning, my girl had her first day of "real" school, as she called it.

She loved it!! We'll see how she feels after this whole week. But I think she'll pick up on English faster. And I also think she'll be more motivated to learn the language as she makes friends. My cousins, Leigh Ann and Ashley, have been wonderful as they've helped me navigate the carpool lines, had their own 5th graders (Mary Katherine and Tate) walk Caroline into school, advise me from backpacks to clothing trends, and been prayer warriors and encouragers each day. I couldn't have made it through Friday without them, as it was a huge change to jump into with less than 12 hours to plan. I am really thrilled for Caroline and admire her courage. But I will say I'm sad when I look at all the work I had put into her lesson plans and think of the time we would have spent together. However, Caroline is very social and independent. In some ways, we may bond faster having time apart becaues she'll see me more as a refuge when she comes home from school vs. the teacher/mom/disciplinarian that she can't escape from.
Another thank you goes to my sweet friend Susan who watched Carter and Grace for me ALL day Thursday as I homeschooled and then spent the afternoon visiting the elementary school and finishing Caroline's registration. She had four kids on her hands!

I am rushing to finish this and Grace is trying to type too, so I have no idea how many typos are in this post. Oh well....more to come soon. I'm finally getting my act together! Thanks for your patience!

How to Guarantee a Big Hug from your Chinese Daughter

Present them with.....dried squid.

A very popular snack in China is dried fish/squid, and this is one of Caroline's favorites. I found some through Amazon (Amazon never fails me!) and had it shipped here. When I opened the box, I grabbed the bags and ran to Caroline because I knew she would be overjoyed to have a familiar and beloved food reach her distressed and over-American-food taste buds. She. was. ecstatic. She broke into the biggest smile I've seen in a while, and she threw her arms around me in a big hug.

It felt so good to bring her joy. I know...it was over dried squid. But I was giddy all afternoon.

The last few days have been really great, and Caroline and I have definitely had some bonding moments. I can't go into details, but let's just say that God equipped us both to face some major milestones. And I found that I may handle tween issues much better than toddler tantrums! Thank you so much for all your prayers...they are obviously working!

Our biggest challenge this weekend is staying cool. Our air conditioning is out, and the thermostat currently reads that is is 87 degrees in our house. Luckily, the unit for the kids' room is working, so we've all been sleeping in that small part of the house. But we can't hang out there 24/7. The chocolate chips in my pantry have actually melted! Hopefully we can get someone out here tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm sitting in front of a box fan and taking advantage of the situation as an excuse to be lazy and eat out. :)

Grafted In

God is still using Dr. Karyn Purvis' bible study guide as a huge blessing in my life, mainly in reminding me of concepts, facts, and approaches I learned pre-adoption that now need to be applied post-China. One of the most important points I've been reminded of is the need of adopted children to develop trust, self-worth, and self-efficacy. As a parent to Caroline, my role right now is to help her believe "I am safe, I am precious, I am heard." (page 12 of Created to Connect)

Through awareness of Caroline's history and needs, Dr. Purvis teaches that I can, with God's help, lead her to healing and restoration. The challenging part is creating a balance of nurture and structure, and discerning which is appropriate for each situation. From a practical standpoint, I've realized that I'm more likely to be compassionate and employ the best approach when I've: (a) prayed that day; (b) had enough personal time to be refreshed. In fact, a child psychologist I once consulted said that the four most important things moms can do to maximize their impact is to get good rest, exercise, spend time with the Lord in prayer and study, and have an hour of personal time each day. Unfortunately, I tend to feel guilty when I take time to read, nap, or do something I enjoy. Because I can't help but think of the bills I need to send, or the 4-day old emails I need to return, or the friends I need to check on. Then I'll get the bright idea that I can cram all things into one day. So I make iced coffee in the afternoon, drink myself silly with caffeine, and try to stay up as late as I can still be productive. This lasts until 1:30 pm the next day when I crash on the couch during naptime and I lose valuable hours in the day to achieve the very things I hoped to get done.

Does anyone else feel the same way? This isn't a complaint by any means...it's just a question of how to balance everything and make personal time a priority when you feel selfish in doing so. At some point, a ball has to be dropped. And even when I've succeeded in simplifying our lives, the to do list seems endless. While driving the kids around to lessons has been a relatively new experience this summer, I actually enjoy the guaranteed down time that comes along with it. For instance, during Caroline's piano lesson (the toddlers were at summer MDO), I had an hour to read and do my quiet time. I think I may like this development in our schedule!

Anyway....moving on! Caroline and I have had some really fun moments during the last few days. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with fondness for her. And what do you do when you feel love for your small child? You scoop them up, embrace them with a bear hug, and cover them with kisses and zerberts. I'm not sure that would go over well with my 12-year-old. So instead, I restrain my zeal and just look at her with crazed eyes and a goofy grin and hope she can sense how big my heart feels because she's in our lives.

One of the challenges of adopting an older child is connecting her with friends, assessing talents and skills, fitting her into existing groups, etc. These are things that typically happen organically as your children grow up. In Caroline's case, we're essentially grafting her in to social, academic, and church contexts and opportunities. And with all the options and connections that have come up, I feel like I've got a bunch of puzzle pieces that I need to figure how to fit together. Does that make sense? Carter and Grace's involvement in all these areas will happen naturally as they grow and develop and make friends each year. There is a great website that friend Kelly started last year called We are Grafted In, and it's a great adoption resource. I never realized before now what a great title she chose!

We feel blessed that, despite the challenges, God is truly grafting Caroline into our family, and she seems to be taking to our roots. Kelly wrote an incredible blog post on grafting as a metaphor for adoption...you can read it here.

“But some of these branches from Abraham’s tree—some of the people of Israel—have been broken off. And you Gentiles, who were branches from a wild olive tree, have been grafted in. So now you also receive the blessing God has promised Abraham and his children, sharing in the rich nourishment from the root of God’s special olive tree.” (Romans 11:17, New Living Translation)

Have we really been home THREE weeks today? Impossible! :)

When Expectations Meet Reality

Sorry for the lack of posts during the last week. My computer was hijacked by my 12-year-old when she discovered that she could watch Chinese TV shows and movies online. The last week has been great in that we've had some steps forward. But it's also been difficult in many ways. There is a lot I won't share on here for the sake of my daughter's privacy, but here are some recent observations and thoughts. I've had a lot to process this week!

EXPECTATION: Because I did so much reading, talking to adoptive families of older children, praying, researching, etc., I thought I'd be more confident in how to handle each situation.

REALITY: I am constantly second-guessing myself and my decisions. Just like babies, every child is so different that not one can be treated "by the book." I continuously battle questions such as Are we bonding quickly enough? Should I give her more space? Do I teach her more English phrases today or is she overwhelmed? Do I lay down the law now or go easy with her for a few more weeks?

EXPECTATION: Given that Caroline is 12 years old, I thought she might more easily grasp the truth that I repeatedly tell Grace and Carter: "Mommy always comes back."

REALITY: Knowing her background of being abandoned at nearly 2, leaving beloved caretakers at the orphanage at 5 to join a foster family, being adopted domestically and then going back to the foster family two weeks later, and then leaving the foster family she has loved for 7 years, this girl probably has more heartache, insecurity, doubts, fears, confidence, and courage than I could ever imagine. This past weekend, she asked Scott how "we could love a random stranger." We explained to her that we have loved her for months, and we also choose to love her and nurture her. Last night, when I asked Caroline if she believed that we love her, she responded on Google Translate with "That bad." When I asked what was bad, she replied that she might lose us again one day. My heart skipped several beats as I realized that she still has fears that she'll lose her forever family. She finds it "bad" to believe in our love and to return our love because she thinks it's necessary to protect her heart. Deep down, she fears that we'll leave her. It had been a rough day, so I assured her that no matter what she does or says, even if she is really angry or rude to me, we will love her and will never leave her. She is our daughter forever. Her response was, "that would be best of course."

EXPECTATION: I knew food would be an issue, as nearly all Chinese people find American food hard to adapt to. Chinese food typically doesn't include butter, cream, cheese, herbs, or seasonings, so meals can taste incredibly foreign to them. Just as some Chinese delicacies might make us bite our lips and cringe.

REALITY: I have been making HUGE meals with the hopes that at least two items would appeal to Caroline's taste buds. Some nights, she hasn't liked anything I've prepared. I wanted her to be honest and tell me her true opinions, but when she has (and even made a gagging motion after tasting my chicken pot pie!), the flesh in me wanted to stomp away and let her go hungry. HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT??? Even when I know she may not like the meal and I totally understand where she is coming from, I find it difficult to not take it personally and to stifle my sinful reactions. I have to remind myself that I would make a gagging motion too if I were taken to China at age 12 and given chicken feet for dinner. I took Caroline to an Asian supermarket and we stocked up on some Chinese ingredients, snacks, and noodles. And really, she has done so well trying and eating new foods. She strives to not be picky, and even when she gives honest feedback, she is not being rude at all.

EXPECTATION: Given Caroline's affection and enthusiasm in China, I anticipated being best buds when we returned home. I dreamed of spending time together reading her bilingual books, bowling on the Wii, watching So You Think You Can Dance, playing games, learning English and Mandarin phrases, and more.

REALITY: I lost my cool factor pretty quickly. When we're in my minivan, she sits all the way in the back even when it's just the two of us! :) She hasn't really wanted to spend time with me. She has preferred reading, watching Chinese movies, and some crafts. While I candidly share my dreams, I also knew it was unrealistic to expect that closeness. But even when you have realistic expectations, the reality is harder to embrace when it arrives. I talked to one mom on the phone last night who adopted a 12 year-old from China two weeks before us. She has so much wisdom and insight, and she shared that her daughter responded the same way. She suggested that both girls might have become scared when they realized they were starting to fall in love with their new families. Maybe they even feel guilty for loving a new family when they loved their foster families. And just maybe they're freaking out and pulling back because they don't know how to process their emotions. I know that Caroline and I will continue to bond in time. Twelve is a difficult age because kids still long for the comfort and boundaries from their parents while also feeling the need to spread their wings and test their independence. A hopeful sign that we're progressing in attachment is that every morning this week when I have dropped Caroline off at ESL camp (English Second Language), she has looked back at me right before walking in. She wants to be sure I am watching her and that I am still there. I hope to entice her to cook with me this weekend, as she has expressed interest in preparing some of her Chinese favorites.

EXPECTATION: With China's Communist history and mentality, I assumed parents had strict regulations and rules.

REALITY: We just learned from a Chinese friend that since the government cracks down so hard, parents usually don't censor much. One of Caroline's frustrations is that she feels "over-regulated" because we limit her time on the internet, we don't allow food in her room, and we have forbidden her to read comics online. While the anime comics are very popular with tweens and teens in China, many of the stories are incredibly violent, provocative, and inappropriate. However, the whole concept of parents censoring media is new to our daughter so it seems abnormally unfair to her. I never expected censorship to be one of our first battles! But the flip side is that Caroline loves to read good books and has finished two classics in three days.

EXPECTATION: That Grace and Caroline would form a tight bond very quickly.

REALITY: It's Carter and Caroline who have clicked immediately. Grace has really taken to her big sister too but it's so sweet to observe how much Carter and Caroline enjoy each other. Yesterday, Carter climbed into Caroline's bed so they could each read their books. He is also very protective of her. EVERY time we get in the car, he says, "Remember your seatbelt Caroline! In America, it's the law." (In China, no one wears seatbelts.) Last week, when we dropped Carter off at his grandparents to spend the night, he stopped playing and ran up to his big sister before we left. He held up his pointer finger, saying, "Remember your seatbelt!"

It's been a hard week in that we've had to establish more boundaries, discuss disobedience, and face our tween's sadness and frustration. But we've also had sweet moments, laughter, hugs, and breakthroughs in understanding. My heart melts every time I hear Caroline's sweet voice call "Mommy." I continue to pray for wisdom and discernment to know when to push her forward or when to step back. I want to be more affectionate without smothering her. I want to encourage her to open up without prying too much. I want to make our authority as her parents clear without appearing too harsh. Sometimes I just wish she would let her walls come down and cry in my arms. Then I remind myself that we've only been home two weeks. We have a long road ahead, and we're with her on this journey to eternity. She's stuck with us!

Jet-lag has zapped my creativity so I don't have a title

Why these huge smiles?

You probably won't believe me, but Grace and Carter were grinning from ear to ear because they were going to....summer school. Really, it's a summer camp on Mondays and Wednesday for the rest of July, but Carter likes to call it school. And I was so thankful that they didn't get upset when they realized I wasn't dropping off Caroline too. Grace has been jealous when Caroline and I leave together. It's such a great blessing to have a few hours these two mornings when I can focus on Caroline's needs and know the kids are having a blast.

It's hard to truly evaluate what's like going from 2 to 3 kids because it's still early. But I will say I felt like a ping pong paddle trying to lunge and hit back three balls this morning. I was trying to help Caroline with her piano exercises, periodically jumping into Carter's "office" to be his client, and running sprints into the kitchen to fetch Grace more juice, more yogurt, and anything else she could think of to keep me in the room.

And I'll confess that I lost my cool a little at the sporting goods store when we were trying to buy some running shoes and workout clothes for Caroline, and Carter was picking out which sports bra was his size, and Grace dumped out all the "necessities" in her pink purse which she insisted on bringing into the store. Now if those run-on sentences tire you out reading them, then you get the gyst of how I felt today. :)

But all in all, I'd say that we're all doing pretty well. We decided to stay home from church on Sunday because we didn't want to overwhelm Caroline with too many new experiences at once. Also, because she's already a little skeptical (not sure if this is the right word) about our faith (as she has no religious upbringing), we wanted to teach her some things about church and our beliefs first so she has a foundation. On Sunday morning, we read a Bible story together as a family and prayed. Then I had her read and listen to an online devotion in Mandarin that a Christian adoption group had recommended. She has listened to one of the devotions each day and seems to be receptive, so this is a good start! We've told her that we want to share with her about our God and all that we believe because our faith is the most important thing to us. However, we also told her that it will be her choice to follow Jesus Christ. We won't force her to adopt our beliefs. I think she felt more open to learning when she learned she had a choice. The same is true for Carter and Grace. We can't make them believe what we believe, but we certainly pray with all our hearts that they will one day choose to love, serve, and follow the Lord!

On a light note, we've been laughing at my confusion of words. Especially in China, I would exclaim a phrase in Chinese to the kids without realizing it. And then when I couldn't think of the right Mandarin word to speak to Caroline, I either came out with French or an English word spoken in a Chinese accent. :) For example, "Ni find thee maga-zeeeen." Embarrassing, I know.

Then, I was trying to get Grace down for her nap yesterday and she was not following my instruction. For a brief moment, I turned to get the electronic translator, somehow thinking that would help get my point across! Can I blame all this on jet-lag??

Caroline had her first piano lesson yesterday and picked it up very quickly. She has enjoyed practicing and is eager to learn more.

She surprised me by deciding to participate in an ESL camp at school next week. The camp is every morning from 8:30-11:30 am. When I told her on Google Translate that I was glad she was going but that I would miss her, she placed her hand on my shoulder (she was sitting behind me on Grace's bed) and left it there a few moments. So sweet! After next week, she'll start tutoring lessons with the ESL teacher. We also bought Rosetta Stone today so she can work on her English that way as well. She picks up more every day.

Oh and a cute story from yesterday.... her piano teacher, Julia, is an old friend of mine. Julia is very slim and petite and had some clothes, jewelry, and shoes she wanted to give away to Caroline. When we got home and laid it all out on my bed, she said, "Oh! Show Daddy...Daddy say no more shopping!!!" All afternoon, she anxiously waited for Scott to get home so she could play her little joke. And he totally fell for it. He was giving me eyes that said, "How could you spend so much money????" Caroline just giggled and giggled and then looked up the phrase "Fool you!" on google translate. It was a great moment.
But speaking of spending lots of money, we got some bad news yesterday. Bad news for our bank account, and bad news for our sweet dog Jackson. He hasn't been acting right for quite some time. I even found blood in his urine before we left for China and took him to the vet. The doc put him on an antibiotic while we were gone, but Jackson seemed even worse the last few days. Xrays taken yesterday revealed a jagged stone in his bladder. The only way to remove it is through invasive surgery. So we take him to a specialist in the morning for an evaluation, and they may even do surgery tomorrow afternoon. And I about developed my own stone when the receptionist said the preliminary estimate for the surgery was between $1200-$1400!!! So for all of you expert coupon-clippers and savers out there, I need your help! With little spare time right now, I am tempted to pay someone to clip me coupons and help me save on groceries. But I suppose that defeats the point. On a serious note though, if you know that, say, chicken is on sale at Publix, such a comment would a HUGE blessing! :)

And pray for sweet Jackson that he would do well with the surgery and recovery.

Adjusting

The little kids are napping, Caroline is reading, Scott just headed to the office to catch up on work, and I am marveling at the fact that I'm sitting here (awake) with a few moments alone. Lately, as soon as I am alone, I crash into a deep sleep. Thank you for being patient with me in posting an update.

Let's see... where to start. Here is a picture Caroline took out her window on the airplane. With the long flight being her 2nd plane ride ever, she was very intrigued with the view and took tons of pictures.

Here are two pictures from our homecoming at the airport that I didn't have for the last post:

Incredible friends who came so late to welcome us home: Michelle, Joy, Emily, Susan, and Amy

And Caroline with some of her new cousins (Mary Katherine, Alex, and Tate) who brought her flowers and candy! They have been so sweet and excited about Caroline's arrival in the US, and we have a feeling they will be pretty tight buds. We'll head to the lake this coming weekend so they can hang out and have some bonding time over swimming, skiing, UNO, and other fun games that don't necessarily require language skills!

Grace and Caroline have been doing so well together!! I am so thankful. I admit I was worried for a little while but figured Grace would come around. She is just fiercely attached to me (which is great adoption-wise) and possessive of my attention. I presume she's been feeling like her mommy was being taken away.
I was also worried when Caroline informed us at the airport on the way home that she doesn't like dogs or any animals (despite telling us she liked dogs earlier in the week). Jackson is a Maltese, so he's small and doesn't slobber or shed. But he DOES rejoice in sitting on the lap of anyone who will sit still. To our surprise, Caroline will pet Jackson and let him sit close to her. But after getting up, she's been immediately heading to the sink to wash up. And not just her hands...she washes up to her elbows! :) Through the translator, she kept insisting that dogs carry bacteria and germs and mites. I tried to tell her that Jackson is an indoor dog, takes monthly treatments to prevent fleas, and had just had a bath the day before. But my arguments were to no avail. I am actually just encouraged that she tolerates our sweet dog!
On our drive home from the airport Thursday night, Carter cracked us up with his comment, "Daddy and I are so excited to be going to work again!" And later in a poignant moment, he said, "Daddy, I just want to be like you."
So sure enough, on Friday morning, Carter dressed up in his "suit" and tie like Daddy. He grabbed his blue briefcase and a banana (what Scott grabs on his way out the door). As Scott headed out to his car and waved, Carter went out the back door waving and went to "work" in the playhouse in our yard. It was precious! And just to be honest, I am getting this whole story heresay from my mom, as I was still sleeping. :) My parents came over to help with the kids and even cooked us dinner Friday night!
Some fun welcome home surprises were these balloons that my cousin Ashley and her family put on our mailbox.
And this priceless banner and post of pictures that our house/dog-sitters, Lindsey and Martha, made before we arrived home. They had even printed a picture from Gotcha Day and put it in one of Caroline's empty frames in her room. They are amazing!!!! Martha had even gone grocery shopping for us to stock our pantry and fridge. Thank you sweet friends!

Some highlights from the last couple of days:

• When we got home after midnight Thursday night, Caroline loved looking around the house and then spent several hours organizing her room, framing pictures she had brought with her, setting up her bookshelf, etc. She and I didn't go to bed until after 3 am. But she was so excited, I wanted to let her make her room her own. I have to admit that I cringed when she moved the bookcase, rearranged some items, and put some stickers on the lamp and dresser. Until now, I have had total decorating control over the whole house. But I realize I have to relax and allow her to create a bedroom that is truly "tween" and her own.
• Friday, I let Caroline sleep until 12 pm and then woke her up. We spent the day playing and resting and visiting with my parents. Courtney (my sister) joined us for dinner. And then Scott's sister Julie and his parents came over for dessert. Julie gave Caroline a game set that includes badmitton (Caroline's fave sport), and we all had so much fun playing in the yard. We found that she is VERY coordinated! I am checking into tennis lessons for her since the US doesn't really sport a strong badmitton program.
• Another activity Caroline has LOVED is playing our piano. She has spent a ton of time on the bench picking out tunes from "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" to "Fur Elise." She says she has never played a piano before now. So she's either tricking us, or she's got a knack for music. By Saturday, I had her a piano lesson scheduled for this week. :) It might sound crazy to be throwing her into activities, but she has made it clear that she gets restless and wants to have some things to do. I think she'll love having some piano exercises to practice.
• Yesterday was a challenging day. We are trying to establish rules but don't want to overwhelm our new addition. We've told her that she can't lock her door, she has to eat in the kitchen, she has to ask before she eats snacks (particularly sweets or junkfood), lights have to be out by 10 pm, etc. Caroline began to cop an attitude with us (I'm sure her ideal family she envisioned didn't include rules), and we had to establish the mindset that we are her parents. We value her opinions and input, but we ultimately make the decisions and expect her to obey us. She seemed to understand this and was very cooperative the rest of the evening.
• One funny thing that she did before our "talk" was her effort to sleep. She had already napped for several hours and Scott had to wake her so she would sleep last night. He explained with the translator why it was important for her to get up then and that she could go back to bed early. About 10 minutes later, we couldn't find Caroline. After a brief search, Scott discovered her in her closet sleeping on some pillows she'd piled on the floor. He woke her again. Five minutes later, she was missing...again. Scott found her under her bed!! We were aggravated at the time because she wasn't following Scott's orders, but it's funny to think about now. The poor child just desperately wanted some peace, quiet, and sleep and couldn't fathom why her new parents were so bothersome. :)
• Yesterday, I took Caroline to get some new clothes (since most of the clothes I had brought to China were too small) and shoes. Another funny note, the reason the clothes were all too small was because the measurements emailed to us a few weeks prior to our departure were incorrect. Her weight had been rounded down by 8 lbs! I laughed when I realized what had happened because isn't that a typical female thing to do?? I mean, honestly, who of you has your ACTUAL weight on your driver's license? I am pretty sure mine is from high school.
• And one more update from our first 2 days home....Caroline woke up at 5 am yesterday. She waited until 6:20 to wake us up. But in the time before that, she had made her bed, made Grace's bed (Grace ended up in our bed during the night), cleaned the den, and had breakfast.

I have more to update, but this post is long enough. I guess I need to keep the posts more frequent to avoid hour-long reads. And I know if I don't get these updates on "paper," there's no way I'll remember the details even a month from now.

Thanks for all the reminders that tweens are moody and emotional even when they aren't adopted. That definitely helped me realize that she wasn't reacting to us personally and we aren't necessarily doing anything wrong. But I still covet your prayers as we transition. I will write more tomorrow about yesterday and today's emotions, challenges, and progress.

Hope you're having a restful Sunday!

Much love,

Kelley