Have you ever prayed for something so desperately that your heart physically ached? This was how I felt when Scott and I (and many others, THANK YOU!) were praying that our twin babies would survive and escape miscarriage.
I know there really are no "unanswered" prayers. God just doesn't always give us the answer we want. But in our eyes, we see these "No's" as broken dreams and, in our limited human understanding, the
wrong answers.
Don't you love it when God proves us wrong? When, in time, He reveals one more step in His glorious plan for your life? When you catch a glimpse of the pain, suffering, and grief He saved you from? You are reminded that God is
good and
sovereign and
holy and
omniscient and
trustworthy.
We finally received the results of the chromosome testing that was performed after our loss. Unfortunately, the chromosomes were not distinguishable for the smaller baby, so we do not know anything about our Lil' Bit. I must admit that I am very sad and disappointed about that. The tests from Peanut reveal that he was a boy. A boy with Trisomy 11. That means that he had one too many chromosomes, with the extra one being on chromosome 11.
You've read about Trisomy 18 on Boothe's blog (Keeping Awake), and Trisomy 21 is Downs Syndrome. Trisomy 11 almost always results in miscarriage. And any trisomy baby that goes full term is typically born with many physical defects that result in suffering for the baby, death shortly after birth, and agony for the parents as they watch their precious child struggle and eventually slip from this world into heaven. I cried numerous times as Boothe and Conor Farley went through this with Copeland, and I can't imagine ever facing that same situation. I am not saying that I am glad I lost our little boy, but this outcome seems like a gift and a blessing compared to the alternative. While Copeland was a blessing and gift to her parents and to many people, I am not sure I could endure the pain and grief if faced with the same.
I am also encouraged that there was nothing we could have done to help the babies survive. More shots would have accomplished nothing. I am encouraged that, at least with this miscarriage, it wasn't my body fighting the fetuses. Our little ones were destined to reach Jesus' arms before their mom's and dad's. And from our new, informed perspective, I am so very grateful for that.
We don't always get to see why some of our hopes and dreams don't work out. But we know that God hears our voice. And He loves us. And in the words of Garth Brooks, "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
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