And there she was...

Let me begin by offering my deepest apologies for totally leaving you hangin'. I know I don't have any excuses. But here are the activities that have kept us buzzing about.

Caroline is still loving school, but we've spent many hours on homework since I have to translate so much for her. Her English continues to improve, but we still have a long way to go. I won't lie...I do get discouraged some days when we can't communicate and the translator can't quite convey our meanings. I long to have a conversation with her in which we can maintain eye contact, read each other's tone, and express moods through facial expressions.

I was grateful to have my mom come in town for a week to help with the kids, and especially to work her magic in my yard. She has a much-coveted green thumb, while mine must possess poison. I manage to destroy everything I touch. She helped me weed, prune, trim, plant and spread stones, pebbles, and pine straw. Thank you Mom! (And thanks Dad for flying her down!)
Carter and Grace begin school on Wednesday, and I do believe we are the last preschool in town to start. Carter begs to go to school EVERY day. He is so excited that the big day is drawing near at last. He'll attend school 3 days, and Grace will go 2 days a week. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to having some free hours to myself throughout the week! We can finally get into a routine, and I can finally get organized.

I truly have felt like I'm living in survival mode the last couple of months. It's an understandable place to be at first when a new child is added into the family. But people eventually start to think you're flaky when you take days (and sometimes weeks) to respond to emails and phone calls. And forget birthdays and birthday parties (that are marked on your calendar). And use words or phrases that make no sense. Or better yet, when you just break off in mid-sentence because you can't remember what you were going to say. My friends and family (and sweet blog readers) have been very patient with me. Xie Xie!! (Thank you.)

I have at least organized my list of projects and activities to enjoy during my spare time. Because I'm never too busy to make a list. In no particular order, here are my foci: (or "focuses," as I first typed and then stared at with confusion)

1. Get back to exercising 3x/week like I did pre-China trip...I had so much more energy!

2. More time reading my beloved books

3. Write more

4. Blog regularly

5. Be more intentional about learning Mandarin (taking lessons and doing Rosetta Stone)

6. Work on photography skills

7. Spend at least one day a week in deeper Bible study (using commentaries and all the amazing resources that I insisted on purchasing after seminary but have neglected since becoming a mom)

These things might make me sound overly ambitious, but they are not busywork. These pursuits bring me joy. And I'm giddy just thinking about it all!

In addition to my ongoing activities, here are my short-term projects:

1. Caroline's Gotcha Day video

2. Blog redesign (we're talking major overhaul)

3. Print all pics from China and organize into photo albums

Grace and Caroline are doing so well together now. They still get sassy with each other, but that's what sisters do. They have little games they play together. And Caroline's favorite way to play with her siblings is to sit on the back of the tricycle and pedal with her sister or brother sitting in front.

Exhibit A:
You might notice the scrapes on Caroline's leg. Two weeks ago, she had a little bike accident. And it wasn't on this bicycle.
She was playing outside with her cousin and decided to try out MK's bike while MK was getting more basketballs. Mary Katherine walked out of the garaged to see Caroline flying down the driveway. I don't think she had ever ridden a bike before, and she crashed into the fence. She had scrapes and gashes all up the left side of her body, and even on her right arm. She never cried, and even had a hard time letting me comfort and pamper her that evening. I finally translated that I just wanted to be her mommy and to comfort her but that she was pushing me away. I told her I was there to help her. She softened after that, but she still remained pretty stoic and independent all week with the exception of allowing Scott and I to help bandage her wounds.

One thing we've learned about Caroline (and had read in cases of other adopted children) is that she doesn't have a sense of danger or caution. She even gets too rough when playing with the kids because she doesn't seem to know how to control her energy. She doesn't understand linear thinking or consequences. For example, last night she was lying in her grandfather's hammock. She kept swinging it, and I warned her it would flip. She said (with a little bit of annoyance) that she was being careful. A few seconds later, after some efforts to swing higher, the hammock flipped and dumped her onto the ground. I could tell she was embarrassed. We know that we really have to monitor her more closely. In time, I suppose those instincts and perception of risks will kick in. (Insight from some experienced parents of older adopted kids??)

Over the last few weeks, Caroline and I have had some very difficult days. Realistic expectations prepare the mind, but nothing prepares your heart for the moments of rejection, mistrust, and hurtful comments. I've shed some tears and even wanted to throw her backpack at her one morning when I dropped her off at school. But I'll say that I have not once wavered in our decision to adopt an older child. I have not once thought we made a mistake or questioned God about His plan for our family. Sometimes my heart wells up with love for my new daughter. Even following moments of discord when I should feel anything but the warm and fuzzies. That's been proof enough to me that the Holy Spirit is working in my heart and supplying all my needs.

I know that much of her behavior is normal for a tween. But when you don't already have a foundation of trust, a history of intimacy, a knowledge of personality and character, a treasure of fond memories from childhood, it's challenging as a mother to discern the root of the behavior. We're still getting to know our daughter, and it's like asking, "Will the real Caroline LiYun please stand up?" Mothers and daughters typically have a strong bond before the hormones and mood swings ever hit.

Several weeks ago, Caroline opened up to me about her life in China. For three hours, she typed on google translate and shared stories and truths with me, some which were difficult to digest. Contrary to my assumptions, she did not have a happy family life in her foster home. Her honesty allowed me insight into her perception of parents and her lack of experience in a true mother-daughter relationship. It helped me to see why she is so independent and finds it strange that I want to help. She also shared that she had never been told "I love you" before we spoke those life-giving words to her. In her 12 years of life, she had not once been told that she was loved. Or treasured. Or wanted. She explained that it is because of her background that she has to "consider so much." And why she finds it hard to trust others. You expect as much from orphans, but the hard realities are mind-boggling and devastating when you are face-to-face, looking into the eyes of the affected child. Will you join me in praying that Caroline will soon trust Jesus as her Lord and Savior and that He will perform a miraculous work of restoration and healing in the depths of Caroline's heart and the dark corners of her psyche?

In addition to at least trusting me enough to open up, some sweet and positive signs of bonding have been Caroline's new routine of seeking me out (if I'm not in the family room) to hug me goodnight and turning back to smile at me as she walks into school.

Carter and Grace have always been best buds. But lately, they've been really sweet together. They pretend to head to school or work, and they set up offices on different sides of the room. And then the conversations go like this:

Carter: Bye Grace! I'm going to work! See you later!

Grace: Bye GuhGuh! I love you! Have a good day! (blows a kiss)

Carter: Okay!! I will miss you!

A few minutes later...

Grace: I'm coming home now!

Carter: Me too! Hey Grace. I really missed you today (hugging his sister).

Grace: I missed you too! Okay, time to go to work again!

And once again, I've rambled. That's what happens when I cram three weeks worth of updates into one post. To conclude, I want to share one last story. It is a year ago today that I saw Caroline's face for the first time!

You can read the full story and timeline here. I am still in awe at how everything unfolded. I remember opening the advocacy email from my agency and immediately being taken with an 11-year-old girl, having just told my close friend that I wanted to adopt a child that age (years down the road, of course!). All weekend, I stared at her picture and description with this strange feeling that she was mine. Having only been home with Grace for four months, everyone laughed, scoffed, or simply humored my declaration that we would adopt her. But nothing could stop God's incredible plan for our family. Not even my own doubts and fears. And now I am staring at this beautiful girl across the room in our home!!

I just ran over to Caroline after typing the last paragraph to tell her about the importance of today. She gave me the sweetest smile I've seen in a while. Just maybe she'll fall asleep tonight feeling special, desired, and loved. A precious moment to celebrate, dear friends!! :)

Happy Labor Day weekend!!