Answering Some Questions

First of all, I am SO grateful for all your comments and suggestions on my post this morning. I am following up on ALL of them and making a plan. :) Your words of affirmation and encouragement had such a sweet impact on my spirit, especially after the rough morning we had.

If you'll humor me, I did want to share some of Carter's wonderful qualities because I feel like I painted such a bad picture of him. He really is a very loving kid. He is good with sharing with other kids. He likes to gives hugs (and long ones, to the dismay of some kids!). He can be very creative and funny, and he likes to pray for practically everyone he knows. Despite his behavior and rejection, he has spent many moments cuddling with me. He asks for me whenever I am not around, and he loves to sit in my lap. While our time in North Carolina was a period of constant rejection, our weekdays together now, when it's just him and me, definitely have sweet moments interspersed. The disconcerting part is how he swings from one extreme to the other, and then back, so quickly. But my son can melt my heart like I've never experienced. And his smile and laugh are contagious. I can't imagine my life without him.

A lot of you asked some questions, so I've answered them below to help with any further insight or advice. Again, thank you for taking time to share such great tips. You have no idea how helpful your comments have been!

Spoiled?

I honestly don't believe Carter is spoiled, at least by Scott and me. My dad commented last summer that we don't let our son get away with anything. I read a bunch of parenting and discipline books early on, so I have known from the start to be very firm and consistent. In fact, many of Carter's fits or bad moods are a result of us saying "No." He is very strong-willed and stubborn. So whereas many kids would become easily distracted after a few minutes, Carter will start crying again an hour later because he can't have Scott's car keys. Saying no to a request for oreos for breakfast can sometimes ruin Carter's mood for the whole morning. :) Sometimes I'll think, "Kelley, it's not really a big deal if he plays with that." But at that point it's too late to change my mind or else he'll think his whining worked.

Carter is the first grandchild on both sides, so of course he gets spoiled when in his grandparents' care. However, they are all good about not tolerating whining or tantrums. Carter has shown some perfectionist tendencies (like screaming and crying when his legos come apart), so I think this combined with his stubbornness might play a huge role in his reactions to not getting his way.

Discipline

Like Darby mentioned, talking about spanking on the internet makes me feel a little vulnerable, but here goes. We do spank using the "sad spoon." (a wooden spoon with a sad face on it) We always make sure we are calm when we spank Carter so that he knows the difference between hitting as an angry response and spanking as discipline. We ask him why he is getting spanked so he understands, and like Darby and Beth shared, this usually results in a sweet spirit afterwards. Carter will often hug me and be very calm and gentle. (And I am intentional about not spanking Carter in front of company so that I don't publicly humiliate him.) We've also found now that even the simple threat of the sad spoon can correct a situation.

We also do timeouts, and they were pretty effective until a few months ago. They don't have much impact lately. I will say that I haven't been spanking as much in the last month or so because I felt like I was spanking too much. But it IS effective. Maybe I need to have a boot camp for a couple of days where we spend all day in time out or with the sad spoon if need be. :) Any variations or specifics in how ya'll handle spanking are welcome. (Verbal attacks are not...this is a topic many people disagree on.)

Scott is great at telling Carter to apologize to me if he pushes me or is mean. We try to show him that he can't control us. Several parenting books said that kids shouldn't have the power (or the burden) of controlling parents' responses. So I've tried hard to remain calm even when I am fuming inside (with the exception of my 2 big outbursts). :) Perhaps in my efforts to be very calm, I come across as too gentle? Maybe he doesn't take me seriously because I do not appear angry? I don't know...there are definitely times where I'm sure he can at least sense my frustration. This is why I have felt like such a failure...because I am furious inside and am trying to be so calm and unmoved.

I also think I say "no" too much. One of the first parenting books I read encouraged parents to train their children in good behavior so that discipline isn't required as often. In many ways, this has worked well. By the age of 7 or 8 months, Carter knew not to touch anything on our coffee table. However, with this approach, we didn't baby proof much because we were training him to obey. Before he realized he had a choice, this was great. Now, I feel like I am saying "No" too often when things like taking out my measuring spoons shouldn't be an option anyway. (We're installing drawer and door locks this weekend.)

One more thing...we don't count to 3. We teach Carter to obey on the first command. (I can't say this lesson has been learned yet though.) :)

The "Grace Factor"

I definitely think that there has been anxiety about the adoption process, especially because of some recent delays that we experienced. And Carter is a smart kid, so I am sure he senses it. The only complication in this being the main cause is that his behavior started back in October before we were ever matched with Grace. Also, Scott is very even-keeled, and yet Carter acts out for him a lot too even though he still prefers his daddy. There's no denying though that this is a probable factor in everything. While we don't talk about Grace a whole lot with Carter, I can't underestimate how much he hears when I'm talking on the phone or to Scott.

Red 40 Dye
Thank you Darby and Beth for bringing this to my attention!! I had never heard about the effects of red dye. Here is a blurb I found when I googled it:
"Red 40 is a commonly used food coloring dye added to a variety of products. While it may make food esthetically pleasing in appearance, it can cause a negative reaction in those who consume it.

Children are most often the ones who have sensitivity to red 40, whether or not their parents have realized it or not. Reactions include temper tantrums, hyperactivity, aggressive behavior, uncontrollable crying and screaming, kicking, nervousness, dizziness, inability to concentrate and sit still among other findings. Physically you may get frequent headaches or migraines, upset stomach and feel ill after ingesting this additive. Often when Red 40 is eliminated from the child's diet a remarkable change is noticed immediately.

Red 40 is used in many food products including kool-aid, orange and other flavored sodas, cheetos and dorito chips, strawberry pop-tarts, any candy with red coloring to it including m&m's, skittles, many chewing gums, etc. Also many children's vitamins and pain relievers/cold medicine have red 40 in the ingredients."

I am going through all our food labels and trashing foods with it. Due to Carter's food allergies, red dye may definitely be playing some role in his behavior! I am going to research this more.

Holding Time
Lynn, it's so funny that you brought this up because it crossed my mind the other day! I wondered if parents could try this tactic with their bio kids. Some days I feel like Carter and I are having "attachment issues" like adopted kids do. :) I think I am going to order that book tonight. I know that there's a specific way to do this approach, so I want to be sure I do it correctly. Thanks for suggesting this book!

Well, I have lots of avenues to pursue. And I would love to hear any additional suggestions out there. I'll keep ya'll posted on how we progress. Thanks for the support and love!!