2.17.2010

Breaking Point: A Call for Help from a Desperate Mom

A common criticism of blogs is that people can make their lives look any way they want. They don't complain or share the not-so-great moments. In some ways, that's true. But I've also seen a lot of bloggers get very real in their posts. And I am about to do the same. I started this post almost two months ago but didn't want to publish it because of fear of judgment. Well, I'm over my pride. I need help, and I need it fast before I completely break down.

Let's cut to the chase and be blunt. I am having an incredibly hard time with Carter. I feel like a failure as a mom. I fight back tears most days, and I am not a huge crier. I know he's a toddler. I know he's probably experiencing the terrible 2's. But no one I've talked to has had their child behave in such extreme manners as Carter has. And no mother I know has had their heart broken by their child's rejection the way mine has been over the last few months.

Here's a little background...
I hinted in my Christmas post that things had been rough, but I haven't shared with ya'll that this all started in October. I know it's a common phase to prefer a parent and reject another, but 5 months is a long time to endure it. During our trip to North Carolina at Christmas, my mom cried when she saw how Carter treated me. He would only let Scott (or other family) hold him. He screamed when I came in the room. He pushed me away saying "push" or "scratch." He yelled "NO!" if Scott asked him to hug me, etc. Christmas Day was honestly one of the worst I can remember because I was constantly on the verge of tears. He would reject me, I would go and get myself together, pray, fight back the tears, and then return to try to play again. But each time I would go back, I felt a little smaller and it was harder to take. I never thought my own son would reject me, and it's been incredibly heartbreaking. We've researched this toddler preference, and it seems to be fairly common. But many moms described the pain the same way, and a lot felt they were depressed. Rejection is my "issue" so to speak, so this has all been particularly difficult, and I'm sure the enemy is taking full advantage of my history to make it seem worse. I can't explain what it's like to have your child repeatedly push you away, day after day, week after week. It starts wearing you down. Some of the things we read online said the phase was lasting even up to 3 and 4 years! Everyone had a similar story but no one really had any help or advice. And as I said earlier, no moms I actually know have experienced this. Carter behaves well at Mother's Day Out, church, and with family, so at least we know this isn't a general developmental/behavioral issue. I asked our pediatrician about his rejection of me, and she said I should see it as a compliment that Carter feels so unconditionally loved that he is comfortable pushing my buttons like that. I wish I could say I feel flattered.

Things have not been as bad as they were in NC, but every day is still a challenge. I have always felt incredibly blessed and joyful to be a stay-at-home mom, but I honestly would choose work right now just to escape. Carter is very aggressive. Scratching our faces, biting, pushing us. He seems to be in a constant state of irritation. He gets incredibly angry, and sometimes without a seeming cause. We're at a loss of how to handle it all. I can't figure out his triggers. His behaviors and outbursts will occur when he's rested as well as tired, when he's been fed as well as when hungry. He'll ask me to sit with him one minute to cuddle and then go ballistic another moment when I try to hug or kiss him. Scott disciplines Carter too, so Carter's preference for his daddy isn't because Scott is just the fun playmate.

The outbursts and fits are not always related to discipline. They happen at any given moment. And the hardest part is that, while Carter has often brought out the best in me, he is also succeeding in bringing out the very worst in me. On two occasions, I have completely lost my temper and screamed in a rage like I haven't done since my crazy, hormonal, adolescent years. I have apologized to Carter for these responses, but I am left feeling out of control and bewildered. One of these responses happened despite my frequent prayers for help throughout that day. The problem is that I keep it together for 6 days straight, but the cumulative effect leads me to break that 7th day. I get pushed to the limit, and I fall apart. I feel like I am a horrible mother. What I really want is to reflect the nature, love, patience, and consistency of Christ, but the more I seem to try, the more I fail. And I am not relying on my efforts alone...I pray frequently for the Lord to guide and help me. What am I doing wrong? We've been firm with discipline tactics from an early age, but obedience has gone out the door. The fits and outbursts sometimes happen all day long. I am so tired and drained, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

So I'm asking for help. Not pats on the back or reminders that this is all a phase. I am looking for advice from moms who've been there, done that. Even from those without kids who may have insight or wisdom to share. How long does this phase last??? What can I do differently? It's impossible to share every situation and what things we've been trying to help. I know a lot of this behavior is normal for toddlers, but why are my experiences so different from the moms I know?

Thanks in advance for your help.

P.S. One friend suggested that Carter might have some anxiety about Grace coming home. He smiles when he says her name and always seems excited, but this is a definite possibility for his behavior. Also, another friend shared that her son behaves much better when he hasn't had as much processed food. So I'm being careful with Carter's diet this week to see if this helps.

15 comments:

The Hamiltons said...

Kelley-

I don't have any solid advice/experience, but what you NEED to know/believe is what a wonderful mother you are. So that's the first thing. Remind yourself of this often, even when it's hard to do so.

He's 2, and as much as it might seem like there must be a reason for this behavior, it certainly can't be from anything you are doing wrong. If it were me, I'd demand advice/tips from my pediatrician. If his/her help seems to be falling short for you and the best the doctor can do is to say that you should feel flattered, try and see another doctor within your practice for a second opinion on this phase. Or, have them refer you to a behavioral pediatrician - someone who sees this often and has solid tips for how to weather the storm. Keep a journal - does his behavior get better when you follow a certain diet, certain routine, certain nap schedule? Are there triggers that seem to make it get really bad? Does he get upset at you soon after you mention Grace?

Again, Alexis is only 15 months, so we haven't hit the "terrible 2s yet", but I want you to know what a wonderful friend and mother you are and that brighter days are surely ahead for you all. Please know that I'm here if you ever need to chat/vent.

Sarah Armstrong said...

I have no words of wisdom - but wanted you to know that I will pray, pray, pray.

Somewhere In The Sun said...

Kelley,
Wow, you are going through so much! I truly feel your pain in your words. I'm so glad you posted.

I don't really know if I have good advice for you or not. I do agree with Erin that you should get a second opinion. I think what your pediatrician said to you was ridiculous. That would be my first step.

Second, have you ever heard of Holding Time? You may have since you are adopting. You can review the book at Amazon. It is not just for adopted children. I have only used this technique with my adopted children but have a friend who uses it with her bio son. Jackson rejected me (not to the extent that you are going through) and preferred his dad. It took several months of holding time, but he did come out of it. If you try it, the key is to do it exactly like the book says and not try to shortcut it.

I will certainly be praying for you. If you need to vent or just pour your heart out please email me. Sometimes it's easier to do with someone you don't really "know".

~Lynn

Darby said...

Kelley, I have no personal experience or advice but I will pray for you and for Carter. I'm sure you don't want to talk about this on the internet but do you spank him when he acts this way towards you? My kids haven't necessarily shown repeated rejection of me but when it does rear it's ugly head I have noticed that the discipling of them brings a peace and tender spirit to them. I know some people would disagree but for me... after disciplining them for such actions there is a calm of their spirit and a tenderness in their hearts and that brings me great relief--- almost an affirmation from the Lord that I am following his will for the discipline and raising of my children. ALSO, I have heard-- not researched-- but heard that red dye can effect the temperment of children. And ALMOST everything has it in it... even DORITOS and juices. You may want to do a google search and see what you can find... I think you'll be shocked at just how many things it is in-- it may not do jack for you but it might be a place to start. I'd get a second opinion from another ped too!! Hugs to you and I'm praying!!

xoxo Darby

Kristy said...

I am praying, my friend.

Beth Goff said...

Well, I think Darby pretty much said all I was going to say...

I just want to share that I treated my mom like dirt to be honest with you. And I LOVE her so much and did at that time as well. And I honestly look back and can see where she did not discipline me enough. Now I realize that I have NO idea what you do or how often you discipline Carter so please know that I am not trying to judge you in any way. But I can say from my previous experience with my own mom that I wish she would have been more firm with me and disciplined me more than just my dad. I think my mom tried to keep the peace with me too much, to try and get me to "like" her more and I got away with everything and I treated her horribly!

I have also noticed with my own children when I am relaxed in discipline they are MUCH worse! But if I stick to my plan of discipline they are much more respectful.

Also, the red dye thing is SO true! I do not allow my kids to have red 40 at all (pretty much!). I would rather them have chocolate for candy than anything red!

Praying for you though. I LOVE my Anderson but two year old boys will test you like crazy :)

Gina Harris said...

ok, well obviously Luke is not old enough for this, but I do have experience since I have babysat so much over the years!! I want to set you up with my really good friend who went through this same exact thing, even though her little girl might have been worse. I babysat her a lot and dealt with it everyday. She had a horrible temper. She would be playing just great, and then I would tell her lunch was ready and she would go balistic on me! They took her to a child psychiatrist and they did a lot of things. I think they ended up putting her on some type of medicine. She was 3 or 4 at the time. Again, I don't think medicine is the answer to all things these days.
Let me agree with the other moms though Kelley,I know are a great mom, so do not get down about that! This is strictly a test and it is building your character and who God has made you to be. I think this is a phase with Carter. Do you talk about VG constantly?? I think that is a good thing if you do so he can get use to it, but at the same time I am wondering if he thinks he is being replaced if you will?? I don't know if he is old enough to think these things! I am just typing as I am thinking :) I think Carter is really testing you and your love for him right now. If you want to talk to my friend who is a believer I am sure she would love too! She went through this kind of thing for awhile, but it was her temper more.

Stefanie said...

First of all, I want to say "You sweet thing! I am so sorry you are going through this!"
This might be way off base, but is Carter possibly spoiled? I only say this because I know, as a mom, it is so easy to give in to many whims that our children have, day in day out, especially when we are trying to 'appease' them for whatever reason. And especially when they are the ONLY one ;)
Giving into to these whims and or allowing our little ones to feel they 'control' the mood or the situation, is totally overwhelming for them. Terrifying actually. As much as they THINK they want to be in 'charge' they are terrified of not being under the protection of mommy and/or daddy and they act out and they are in a constant state of agitation because they can't 'rest' knowing mama is in charge.
Just an idea. I really could be way off base, but I thought I'd share.
For a little one, knowing that you have the power to make your mother happy or sad can just be too overwhelming.
Prayers going up for you! And that you and Carter are able to reach some resolution before your little Grace comes home :)

Ashley Matteo said...

hey
well my main prayer is that God would heal your heart and that you would not feel like a bad mother or bad person. i think sucking up your pride and sharing is a huge first step against the enemy. the only thought that i can think of is that maybe he senses your anxiety over the past couple of months getting all the paper work in for Virginia Grace. and please dont feel bad, it was and still is a very anxious situation. but he may sense it underlying and act out because of it. i have heard of babies who were "colicky" and would fuss all day long with the mother but as soon as the dad came home or the neighbor stopped by and relieved the mom the baby would relax and rest. although the mother didnt know she was anxious and surely wasnt intentionally acting anxious around the baby, the baby could sense it. anyways, i am totally guessing about this and even if this is the case i dont have a quick fix. but with all the plans for Virginia Grace and with carter's rejection my prayer will be that God will give you a peace and that you will be able to cast ALL your anxieties on Him (1 peter 5:17). i have also heard and had a friend whose kid couldnt have red dye.

chbaker said...

Sweet Kelley,
It was good to run into you the other day.
You can not doubt yourself as a mother. The Evil one would love to discourage you and feed you lies. You are a wonderful Wife and Mother.
As far as Carter. I would continue to explore more opinions from medical persons. Do not let them put Carter on medicine tho.
I haven't experienced this, but it sounds like it could be linked to his allergies. He could be hurting, or having some type of flair up and not able to express how he is feeling.
I am praying for you. Let's get together soon.

JJ said...

Kelley, I have no advice. I wish I did. I hesitate to comment on such a tender post but I do want you to know that I will begin praying! Can you believe that no matter what you do or don't do, Carter's behaviour might be the same and that you are STILL a great mother? As long as you hear and believe, "you are a bad mom" you are giving the devil a foothold. I would suggest as soon as you hear that in your head to say some scripture outloud, even praise. Remember that you are THE mom that God CHOSE for Carter and I pray He will give you patience, wisdom and helpful insight into this situation. Write Isaiah 40:11 and put it around your house and remember that God is with you in this! Love you! I am waiting waiting on your news that you have a plane flight here to China! :)

elizabeth said...

Kelley--I am so sorry you are having to endure this. I cannot imagine that kind of rejection. Truly heartbreaking. I will be praying the Lord heals your heart because you are tremendously wise and more than capable to train up Carter. I have not experienced the rejection issue, but David is VERY much in the middle of crazy mood swings, tantrums, and dramatic outbursts. It has truly required that we tighten up our lines of discipline and continue to show him what is appropriate and not appropriate even though it is UNBELIEVABLY exhausting!!!! Let me say David sometimes rejects Grant when he comes home from work, he will run away and scream no. I have taken the approach that the parent he prefers should step in and exercise discipline. I do not know how Scott handles the situation--he may do this. But for example--I get down on my knees and very very firmly say "No sir, we DO NOT treat our Daddy like that. Go over there immediately and give him a hug." If he refuses and falls to the ground in hysterics, he is sent to his room to cry and cry and cry. He has at one point pitched a fit in his bed for half an hour over hot dogs. I go in there after 10 minutes and ask him if he is ready to calm down--he falls to the mattress hysterical, I leave again. The whole thing continues until he is able to control himself. We spank as well. All this to say--I would say Scott needs to step in and FIRMLY put Carter in his place. John Rosemond would say that the consequences have to be something that elicits a memory that they do not want to experience again. Do not be afraid to be tough on Carter about this. He needs you to, you can do it Friend!! I realize it is a phase, but you are showing wisdom to try and find ways to show him truth in all of this. I am so sorry. I am not sure what you have tried, but the example above is how we handle it. Our tantrums have gotten to the level where you cannot just walk away and ignore them. If David wants to behave crazily, he has to do it in his room. Not sure if this will help. Praying!!!

Anonymous said...

Kelley,
I read "jj"'s post and this verse came to mind.

3For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. 5We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, 6 being ready to punish every disobedience, when your obedience is complete. 2 Cor 10:3-6

Thanks so much for sharing your honest experience and struggle... it is so refreshing. I'll be praying for you, and don't hesitate to take me up on my babysitting offer a while back. My schedule hasn't changed, and I'd love to help you with him so you can get a break and maybe have some extra time to pray and think through these things...or even just go shopping or do something completely mindless for a break! Talk to you soon!
-Heather McElligott

Ericka B. Jackson said...

Oh Kelley... I'm so glad for your honesty here! We aren't planning to have kids for a few more years (unless God has other plans, haha) but I love reading the blogs of Moms and learning as you learn! I really appreciate it when you (and other ladies I love and respect) share the hard parts, painful parts, and personal issues you are working through. God is going to use this in the lives of others (He always uses our honesty and vulnerability in positive ways!).

My heart just breaks for you - I can't imagine how you must feel. Just remember you are doing the best you can, and this is NOT your fault!

I know God doesn't waste anything (even the painful experiences) to work for the good in us...so maybe this will help you work through some rejection issues or bring you even closer to your Daddy God. (just guessing!) I know God likes to remind me of my issues and will use anything necessary to bring me to health!

I wish I had some magical book to suggest, but my only ideas are GraceWalk (Steven McVey) and Come Away My Beloved (Francis J Roberts). The first is a lot about giving up trying to do things on your own, and how to learn to ABIDE (ie- I give up God, I cannot be the perfect Christian Mom) and leaning more on His strength. The 2nd is just good for your heart (or it has been for mine). Kind of like love letters from God.

I'll be praying for your sweet, tender, loving Mommy heart. God WILL redeem this! In the meantime KEEP sharing your struggles, keep being vulnerable and honest. God uses your vulnerability to set the captives free...who knows who could be reading this out there thinking, "PRAISE GOD I AM NOT ALONE!"

e said...

hey kelley -

i'm a good friend of natalie roe's and i found your blog on her blog list. i'm also a child therapist and a mama of two little boys. i have a few ideas that might help, i've treated children and parents who have struggled in very similar ways. i'd be more than happy to email with you if you'd like, i think i'd ramble too much for the comment section : ). my email address is erinschwant at hotmail.
you are clearly a wonderful mom and i have tremendous respect for anyone willing to ask for help - esp. in this all too easy to appear perfect blog world of ours!
blessings and peace to you.