Breaking Point: A Call for Help from a Desperate Mom

A common criticism of blogs is that people can make their lives look any way they want. They don't complain or share the not-so-great moments. In some ways, that's true. But I've also seen a lot of bloggers get very real in their posts. And I am about to do the same. I started this post almost two months ago but didn't want to publish it because of fear of judgment. Well, I'm over my pride. I need help, and I need it fast before I completely break down.

Let's cut to the chase and be blunt. I am having an incredibly hard time with Carter. I feel like a failure as a mom. I fight back tears most days, and I am not a huge crier. I know he's a toddler. I know he's probably experiencing the terrible 2's. But no one I've talked to has had their child behave in such extreme manners as Carter has. And no mother I know has had their heart broken by their child's rejection the way mine has been over the last few months.

Here's a little background...

I hinted in my Christmas post that things had been rough, but I haven't shared with ya'll that this all started in October. I know it's a common phase to prefer a parent and reject another, but 5 months is a long time to endure it. During our trip to North Carolina at Christmas, my mom cried when she saw how Carter treated me. He would only let Scott (or other family) hold him. He screamed when I came in the room. He pushed me away saying "push" or "scratch." He yelled "NO!" if Scott asked him to hug me, etc. Christmas Day was honestly one of the worst I can remember because I was constantly on the verge of tears. He would reject me, I would go and get myself together, pray, fight back the tears, and then return to try to play again. But each time I would go back, I felt a little smaller and it was harder to take. I never thought my own son would reject me, and it's been incredibly heartbreaking. We've researched this toddler preference, and it seems to be fairly common. But many moms described the pain the same way, and a lot felt they were depressed. Rejection is my "issue" so to speak, so this has all been particularly difficult, and I'm sure the enemy is taking full advantage of my history to make it seem worse. I can't explain what it's like to have your child repeatedly push you away, day after day, week after week. It starts wearing you down. Some of the things we read online said the phase was lasting even up to 3 and 4 years! Everyone had a similar story but no one really had any help or advice. And as I said earlier, no moms I actually know have experienced this. Carter behaves well at Mother's Day Out, church, and with family, so at least we know this isn't a general developmental/behavioral issue. I asked our pediatrician about his rejection of me, and she said I should see it as a compliment that Carter feels so unconditionally loved that he is comfortable pushing my buttons like that. I wish I could say I feel flattered.

Things have not been as bad as they were in NC, but every day is still a challenge. I have always felt incredibly blessed and joyful to be a stay-at-home mom, but I honestly would choose work right now just to escape. Carter is very aggressive. Scratching our faces, biting, pushing us. He seems to be in a constant state of irritation. He gets incredibly angry, and sometimes without a seeming cause. We're at a loss of how to handle it all. I can't figure out his triggers. His behaviors and outbursts will occur when he's rested as well as tired, when he's been fed as well as when hungry. He'll ask me to sit with him one minute to cuddle and then go ballistic another moment when I try to hug or kiss him. Scott disciplines Carter too, so Carter's preference for his daddy isn't because Scott is just the fun playmate.

The outbursts and fits are not always related to discipline. They happen at any given moment. And the hardest part is that, while Carter has often brought out the best in me, he is also succeeding in bringing out the very worst in me. On two occasions, I have completely lost my temper and screamed in a rage like I haven't done since my crazy, hormonal, adolescent years. I have apologized to Carter for these responses, but I am left feeling out of control and bewildered. One of these responses happened despite my frequent prayers for help throughout that day. The problem is that I keep it together for 6 days straight, but the cumulative effect leads me to break that 7th day. I get pushed to the limit, and I fall apart. I feel like I am a horrible mother. What I really want is to reflect the nature, love, patience, and consistency of Christ, but the more I seem to try, the more I fail. And I am not relying on my efforts alone...I pray frequently for the Lord to guide and help me. What am I doing wrong? We've been firm with discipline tactics from an early age, but obedience has gone out the door. The fits and outbursts sometimes happen all day long. I am so tired and drained, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

So I'm asking for help. Not pats on the back or reminders that this is all a phase. I am looking for advice from moms who've been there, done that. Even from those without kids who may have insight or wisdom to share. How long does this phase last??? What can I do differently? It's impossible to share every situation and what things we've been trying to help. I know a lot of this behavior is normal for toddlers, but why are my experiences so different from the moms I know?

Thanks in advance for your help.

P.S. One friend suggested that Carter might have some anxiety about Grace coming home. He smiles when he says her name and always seems excited, but this is a definite possibility for his behavior. Also, another friend shared that her son behaves much better when he hasn't had as much processed food. So I'm being careful with Carter's diet this week to see if this helps.